By the river, stories of being

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Earlier in August, I took myself to a delightful place in the woods by a river, for a retreat time of rest and writing, wondering and wandering, reflecting and receiving. Something about the woods and water does so much to return me home to my soul, to the wild wonders both within and without.

I wrote so much and took so many photos of everything that struck my eyes and spirit as magical and mystical. As always, the hardest part for me is curating and distilling all that I want to share into one offering, a mindful morsel, accessible and absorbable! So – here is what chose itself, at least for this offering!

Note: for reading reference, the bolded words represent the start of a new stanza. Due to the quirks of my editor programs and the vast amount of tedious work needed to manipulate the formatting and spacing of poetry, I chose to keep it simpler and less stressful by choosing that option especially since the desired shape of each poem was preserved!

By the river, stories of being (a poem series)

By the river, a story of being

Right here, right now

no stories about me exist

I am

         my own story

We named water, water

We named river, river

We made stories about water

                                  about river

Yet the water, the river

what name does it have for itself

or – are they content to be

         to be in their existence

do they need to name themselves

                                                                    to be

Or perhaps, mayhap most likely

water just is

river just is

and its/their Is-ness

                           is enough

For me, could it be?

or do I need names

               my many names

      to convey my existence

           expressions of my existence

                  my manner of being

                  in this body, this world

     to send messages of all my ‘Who-ness’

     to not allow my ‘Who-ness’ to be

                  defined by others

     to say, I and only I

                  name my ‘Who-ness’

Yet – my Who-ness  is not the sum

                  of my Is-ness

                       my being-ness

                  my Is-ness is greater yet

                        beyond Name

I am

         my own story

The water is its own story

The river is their own story

And our existence, our Life, our Being

         our Is-ness, is

                enough

Our Who-ness matters

         yet greater be

         our Is-ness

*********************************

The water, the river is real

being named doesn’t make it/them

             more or less real

                         or true

              their Truth is beyond

                         their naming

My realness, my Trueness

       is beyond name, beyond

                   all Names

I am

*****************************

Naming matters

         names matter

         because they express elements

         of our Who-ness real and true to us

         because they express meaning

         highlight nuances, carry

         messages, and craft stories

         because they are mirrors

         because they are a matrix

                a latticework

               of shared, shareable

               meaning, Truth, Life

*********************************

Spirit of River

       my teacher be

       teach me to flow

                 and sing freely

                 as do you

Spirit of River

         my teacher be

         teach me your fluidity

         for I would be free

River Rocks

The rocks by the river

                     are just rocks

They are as they are –

                     truth in themselves

                              real

Yet

       just for this time

               they represented

                stories I told myself

                stories that I am surrendering

                                letting the river

                                                                take

They represented

           attitudes, beliefs, choices

           dead things

           that serve, have served, me not well

A choice already made

            to let dead things go

            to let dead things be dead

            yet sealed symbolically

            in giving them to the river

The rocks remain real, they remain

            true in themselves

            untainted, unmarked

            only for a moment

            did they carry representation

                                             of death

They were clean, remain clean

           it is only I

           who need(ed) cleansing

They were never dead

            it is only I

            who need(ed) resurrection

River and rock cannot give

            resurrection

            yet they can represent

            the gift I give for myself

A clean, real life

             flowing free

             actions, attitudes

             beliefs, behaviors

             calm, clear choices

             deep Love

             ever True

resolved:

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I feel moved to share here a poem that poured itself out of deep aspirations and intentions that have impressed themselves on me during recent weeks. Sometimes I find that a very good way for me to help myself remember my aspirations and intentions is to write them down, allow them to assemble themselves into poem form. Perhaps it is also good to allow aspirations and intentions to be witnessed, to deepen their truth and help them (help the one who holds them!) to come into full bloom, or even to allow them to become light and warmth, bread and breath for some who witness them!

resolved:

I am resolved:
	to honor my belovedness and that of others
	to delight in others’ joy as if it were mine because it is indeed
part of mine
	to remember the light 
	to envision clearly the life I aspire to be in 
	to live with the mindful, peaceful energy
I wish to invite, whether it manifests in others or the world around me or not. If conditions in them, in the world, are such for it to manifest, then it will, and if they are not such for it to manifest, then it will not. And it is nothing I have done or is in my ability to control, no matter my desire or hope. But I can inhabit the energy of peace myself and it is a protection.

I am further resolved:
	to keep my spirit unfettered and unbittered
	to awaken
	to arise
	to emerge, from my fabulous fractal being
	to act, boldly, in conscientious confidence
	to water wholesome seeds and with great intention
and loving discipline return unwholesome seeds to the deep storehouse of consciousness
	to let patterns of thought and belief that serve only ill to go
	to release hindrances of spirit
	to hold lightly and lovingly to anticipation
	to see the flame of possibilities in ashes

I am yet further resolved:
	to believe in my kids’ wholeness and encourage their wellness, wisely
	to believe in my friends’ care for me, that they consider me
beloved, and that I am a good friend in my autistically authentic way
	to let go of friendships and connections not meant for me
	to understand that many will not/do not understand me, and that is
okay; they don’t have to. There is no universe-ordained contractual obligation that says they, or anyone, must, especially in order for me to be content or at peace. I release my bondage to any such expectation.
	to expect, however, to have my personhood respected and for people to understand that they don’t have to understand me in order to respect my personhood, my humanity, my dignity, to afford me the liberty to live in the peace in which they also wish to live, or to respect the potential of goodness in my character.
         to believe in the goodness of my character and to give it space and grace to bloom bountifully
         to be forgiving, for the health of my spirit; forgiving of pain I’ve caused myself, mistakes I’ve made; forgiving myself from carrying any burdens that anyone has attempted to place upon me.
        to remember defiance in the service of justice is not only okay, but blessed; may my defiance be mindful, fierce, and joyful
	to be repentant, to turn, return, retune to the harmony of the Earth
	to show kindness and shine kindness forth
	to live with intention and integrity
	to manifest abundance, for all, in all
	to live in the courage of my goodness
		     the goodness of my courage
		     the wholeness of my goodness and of my courage
		     the wholeness of truth and the truth of my wholeness
	to live in the holy truth of Wholeness,  in a whole Belovedness

We Continue

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

This year, with the passing of both my parents (Mom March 20 and Dad July 10), has brought me into an even profounder intimacy with mortality, impermanence, remembrance, and grief journeying with all the questions and textures those contain. Following their departures from this life, I feel too a fresh and fuller sense of ancestral responsibility – like a torch has been passed, and yet far more than that. In learning to travel through this new (and yet also ancient and shared) territory, I sometimes feel I’m stumbling, finding and learning the path as I go. As I seek to process, navigate, interpret, and integrate these ineffable experiences, thoughts, and feelings, I’ve turned to an old faithful friend – poetry (or, my old friend came to me to light my way).

There’s a story, an experience, from which the poem I share here emerged. During the week before my Dad’s funeral I felt a deep urge to drive up to Crawford where Mom’s parents lived and are buried, just to revisit some childhood places and go see their graves. While at the cemetery I wished I had something to lay on the grave but that time I had nothing. So, I spoke with the delightful florist (Bluebird Flowers & Gifts in Alliance) who made lovely creations for both my parents’ funerals and for Mom’s grave, and requested her to make an arrangement for my grandparents’ grave. The next time I was out to Alliance I journeyed back up to Crawford and placed the arrangement at their headstone.

So many graves that seem so lonely and unremembered, seems a strange poignance in that … and my heart is more tender to that these days.
I have vowed that while I live, every grave of my ancestors is going to be honored and not look lonely but loved and remembered. For me, it’s one small but deep part of both being a good descendant and becoming a good ancestor, carrying forth with respect and gratitude all the good in my ancestors, inviting healing where it is needed, and continuing belovedness.

 

We Continue

Someday
we will be
remembered
only by Earth and Sky
and Spirit Creator
but enough that is
and perhaps the truest
remembering
as it emerges from the truest
knowing
of who we are
and of what we are made –
the stardust and energy
and all atoms
that formed our bones and our flesh
and the spirit
that filled and enlivened us
When our breath is no
more
Breath, Holy Breath, remains –
a spacious wind through Sky skimming over
Earth – all is
known, held, remains remembered

These words arrived Home
to me, while standing in the searing summer
sun of Nebraska’s high plains
at the grave of my grandparents, who
gave life to my mother, whose body of earth
also rests now beneath the earth
I stood remembering, flowers of silk
brought to lay before the stone to show –
those who rest here are still remembered
As I remained remembering, my heart
wondering, how many living ones know
or remember my grandparents
Mildred and Mervil Reece
(parents of LaDonna (born still), Leila, and Dwain)
who remains who might yet pass by this stone
with memory of these names and perhaps their bearers?
My own memories move now in
misted time, incomplete images
some vivid, some fading to ephemeral watercolor
senses of their essence –
did I know them?
Grampa gone when I was four,
Gramma’s mind stolen away by Alzheimer’s long before
her body surrendered the summer I was twenty
her will ever fierce (here, a clear felt memory sense, threaded
in my spirit, this I know)
How well did (do) I know them, my ancestors?

Not like Spirit
not like Earth and Sky
know them – now
but I remember them living
and rings in me the bell of truth
that a time comes when I
no more in this form here will be
to carry memory of my ancestors
my grandparents, my parents,
a time comes when
no one remains to remember me
and when the time comes
no one remains to remember me
or those whom I remembered
Earth, Sky, and wind will
remember
Spirit Creator will
remember
and beyond remember,
remain knowing

We continue
in the Earth and Sky
in wild wind and stillness
in trees and rivers
in dew and clouds
in sun and storm
We continue in the breath of every living one
and in the breath and body of the Earth
We continue
and so we remain
and in remaining are remembered
by Earth and Eternity
even when human mind and history
have forgotten or knew not
We continue

exploring Embodiment and Justice: poems

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

It’s been a long quiet in this space, and it’s been a long year of seeking creative magic in whatever moment it might be waiting – a long year of feeling that in many ways, I was either too busy or too weary to be caught by the magic current. On one hand, I let go – or be – what I didn’t seem to have the energy for and made peace with what this season of life asked and allowed. But on the other, where writing was concerned – and particularly poetry – a seed of longing languished, like an ember who kept their light, for a space of time where no other call on my attention existed except creation. Unrushed, unweighted space to rest and play and be and see wonder deeply … and for wonder to flow freely through me in word form.

And I made space for just this a couple of weeks ago, when I went on a retreat to a tiny cabin in the woods by the Platte River. My hope there was to be able to focus deeply on a poem project I wanted to do to complete an Embodied Social Justice certificate program I engaged in, and rest from everything else. I had little idea before arriving of what these poems would look like, but trusted they would come to me – and come, they did, bless the muse and tree spirits!

I’ve decided to share them here, as in so many ways, they capture the essence of my journey and my inner/outer work over the last year so much better than I could express by any other means. But beyond that, these poems are also crafted to be like vessels for any reader to step into from where/who they are and feel themselves there, feel into themselves for the meaning present for them and their journeys. Read, enjoy, share anything that came up for you, if you wish!

 


Poetic Justice: An Exploration of Embodying Sexuality, Spirituality, and Environmental Justice

Beginning with Justice in my Body

I have stepped down  –
I must continue stepping down – from the throne
from the lofty place
where my self I ensconced, separate
thinking I dwelt in palaces
of spirit, Spirit essence
claiming
by self and flesh denying
Yet I dwelt disembodied
having abdicated my body
as my child self was taught was the holy thing
to do, as flesh and body, loving flesh and body,
they said earnestly,
kept human souls from knowing Truth
But this was a misunderstanding of a truth,
an unholy thing
for in so doing
I parted Soul from Body
and how could Spirit I know
in such a state –
with Creation how could I
commune? A soul denying
embodiment
or the pleasures of embodiment
is a soul out of harmony
with Creation
And where is the holiness of justice
for Body or Soul
without the soul being enfleshed
and the flesh being ensouled
And how can justice be poured out
in the world, except through Bodies
who are ensouled
and Souls who are embodied
How can justice be poured out
in the world, except through
Bodies that begin with justice
toward their own Bodies
in being present with all that is present
lived, experienced, sensed, felt, known
in the Body
these justiced Bodies move toward being
present with all that is
lived, experienced, sensed, felt, known
in the Bodies of all peoples
in the Body of Creation
in the sacredness of all Bodies,
the whole Body of Creation

*********************

Embodiment – as taught by the Feather

I saw the Feather and the Feather
saw me, I know it did
because I heard it speak
without words
that it knew me –
a voice silent but a voice
clear, said to me – not that it,
this Feather, was mine
but that it was a sign
a gift from Earth to me –
Her Beloved –
I knew without thought telling me
accepting this gift was accepting
connection
beyond connection –
wild wordless wholeness –
Communion
into a Sacred Body

******************

Embodiment – as taught by the Snail shell

In the hot white sand by the
River, a Snail shell called
to me by my true name
/Spirit of the linden/
in a voice that spoke in spirals
silent, whirled into a shell house
The Snail, absent –
sand in their stead
where is the body; where is Snail’s
body; where is Snail’s spirit?
Oh, here it is, in the whisper
of spirals, in the sand hot,
in the sunlight glittering on Water
as it ribbons by sandbars
dappled with Water’s ripple-prints
Here – Snail’s body is here
engraved in Earth, in sand and shell
embodied in Water
enspirited in Air
remembered by the Trees
Ah, Snail is here –
Snail never departed
even though their flesh
is not in this house
of shell and sand
They are home – embodied
everywhere

*******************

Embodiment – as taught by the Trees

I am home here –
the Trees know me
When I say I am
Home
I mean, Home in my Body
this soft-shell house of stardust
spirit-ashes and water
that has become bone and blood
muscle and mind
moving as one
Tree bodies rise from stardust
too – rooted in Earth and Water
with sap-blood flowing in their veins
Emanating sinuous waves of bioelectric energy
they are stillness in motion
movement embodied in stillness
Trees – birthed in the forest by the forest
know themselves; they are
Home in themselves
They know Earth, they know Air
they know Water, they know Fire
they know humans and they know me
They know their stardust
and this I know – though I could not
justify my knowing by any logic
of knowing other than Knowing
itself – the Trees here know
my stardust
And they tell me – in voices like shimmers,
shirring leaf-sighs
one Soul to another Soul
to be only who I am –
because as a Linden tree has only the blueprint
of a Linden tree imprinted
in its Soul, and not an Oak –
though noble be the Oak –
so imprinted in me is a living blueprint
(responsive, adaptive
to the touch of nature
and nurture)
that my Soul longs to express
through embodied experience
because my Body and Soul desire
and deserve such justice
Trees know – because they stand long
see far
that justice which moves
through and from the root
of the Soul of one
is an emergent, exigent justice
As Trees connect and share through their roots
to counsel, sustain, heal, and nourish one another
so is the justice that moves through
and from any one human Body
who is Home
in themselves and in Creation
to all Bodies
sustaining and nourishing
one another’s joy
carrying Healing to
the wounded Bodies and Souls
drawing all Home together
A justice rooted in joy
with liberation and Healing for everyOne
all Bodies, the whole Earth Body
is a sacred justice, is
Home, Beloved Home

**********************

 

Embodied sexuality, enfleshed spirituality

In the Forest –
I dance with the Trees
swaying sinuously (I feel it
whether it would seem such
to any observer) with the Wind
as they sway with the Wind
in the bark-skin
or smooth weathered wood-skin
they are in
Spirit in skin
skin meeting Air
Air knowing skin
skin clothed in sunlight
I dance
my Body light (Light)
Spirit-infused
I dance
because I am Home
This is my Yes
to my Body
to the present moment
to the movement as it arises
from muscle and mind and more
This is my Yes
to my Body
to my Joy in my Body
my Yes here
gives birth to my Yes
to the Sacredness of Life
everywhere, everywhen
everyOne
My Yes here –
to embodied Joy
to enfleshing Joy
brings my Soul
Home

my Yes here
is my Yes to walking
in the world
with my Soul in my Body
as Beloved
and all Creation as
Beloved
which opens the space
unfolds the Path of Heart
to living toward all
as sacred
inviting a whole justice

my Yes to my Body
becomes a Yes to justice
toward Earth and all Her children

*********************

Yes to Pleasure

Yes to my Body –
appreciating the wonders of my Body
all of it is wonder
wondrous
marvelously created and recreated every moment
wondrous
simply to take joy in the Air
as it slides smoothly, silkily
worshipping my skin
nothing between me and the Wind and the Light
but an unashamed knowing
I am Home, delightedly Home

*******************

The Sensuality of All Things

I am overcome with the sensuality
of all things
the naked splendor of Creation
look – how artfully Earth has clothed
Herself, in frothy fronds of vegetations
how the Trees have adorned themselves
with leaves or needles of all shapes and patterns
in lushly infinite shimmering shades of greens
blossoms, sweetly, seductively scented
Ah, River, swathed in layers of ribbons and ripples
bright bubbly buoyant currents
caressing sandbars and driftwood
/Tree fallen to River’s charms – sun-bleached
her long Body arching above the eddies
foamy lace skirts gathering along
her length, River draping herself over her lover’s bosom
and Tree’s hand outstretched, bearing a garland
– and a cross – sacrament, or
sacrifice, are you, my time-toppled queen –
Perhaps you are both –
you are yet living, nurturing life
in your belly turned toward the Sun
green growing there and at your feet/

I am overcome by the sensuality of the River,
the Tree embracing as she would any island
in her Body
I am overcome by the sensuality of the Tree
her wide weathered girth
warm between my legs
(for you see, of course I waded out to know her)
as I sit astraddle her middle
my palms on the wind-smoothed sun-whitened wood
– hmm, is this a faint pulse, a hum,
an Om,
I feel? The Tree still singing –
an ancient enduring rhythm
Or – is it only my wishful Heart
feeling the rhythm (its own rhythm?)
Or – is it River’s rhyme and rhythm thrumming through
into me, my blood and spirit responding
with its own Song
Whatever truth may be here
this truth seems alove –
this Tree still knows Creation
Creation still knows her –
still sings to her –
Om – you are, you are –
And so I rest here, intimately blessed
while River teases and tickles my toes
with bubbling, crooning current
And I –
overcome with the sensuality of all things
the boldly bespoken sensuality
in-dwelling in all Creation –
I am brought into communion
with this sacred sensuality
and into a knowing
that it burgeons ripely in my own soul
brimming over –
My Soul insisting on experiencing itself
an unbearable wholeness of Being
Body and Soul and Creation,
One

**************************

Abolish Industrialized Egocentrism: Return to Reverencing the Validity and Sacredness of all Creation
or
A NonSaviorist Healing Collaboration with Earth and Creation

(Adapted from a rough draft journal entry essay, and perhaps best refined in that form to hold more space for the personal story context of these reflections.)

“We save what we love; we cannot save what we do not love”
How can we ‘save the Earth’
without loving and caring for even the smallest of living creatures
caring deeply about the effect of our way of living on them
caring about the violence done in supposed ‘innocence’ and ignorance,
without seeing even the lives of ants, beetles, centipedes, spiders
and other tiny creeping and crawling and flying forms of life
as valid and sacred, as much or more than our bipedal beings
Is that not where it starts – the greening of our souls
the greening of Creation justice in our souls
begins by seeing and believing, beloving, as valid and sacred –
minute but not a mite minor –
the lives of all organisms, no matter how small, visible or not to the eyes
(but becoming visible to the eyes of the heart)
by knowing their lives, their existence, their ecosystems are connected
to us and our ways of living that do violence to them, do violence to us

In the notion that we can ‘save the Earth’
by our intentions or actions, in our will or strength
the ears of my heart have begun to hear
echoes of a saviorist, human-centered tone
And as I ponder these notions of saving – of being a savior
resemblance rises to notions of possessor, conqueror, ruler
Even with best intentions of doing good
it seems we humans so often still
(desire to)
put ourselves on the throne
of nature (Creation)

But what is most needful, what will save us, what will save Earth,
is to step down from the throne
to learn a reverent stewardship –
to re-learn this from the wise ones who have never forgotten
who have stayed close to the Earth and know Creation ways well
to repent and re-learn and return to our original closeness
the knowing and abundance abandoned in a rush to rule
rather than be in relationship with Earth and Creation
What is needful, what will save us, what will save Earth,
is stepping down from the throne
to take in and live a mindful humility
confronting humanity’s creation of an industrialized egocentrism
and examining our participation in it
and how a materialist, mechanized way of living
disturbs the peace of many living parts of Creation
doing violence and dealing death
while going about our everyday lives –
perhaps simply seeking to survive in an inequitable society
perhaps following social conditioning, attempting to fit in
or operate in the structures ordained and established
or maintain a home or make a living
to feed a family –
our participation in this paradigm perpetuates it
and perpetrates it on others
disturbing our own peace, griming our own souls

Stepping down from the throne
to touch the Earth again
opens the path forward
to walk with softer feet and humbler mind
heart and hands wiser in action
Learning how to mourn the violences done and how to repent
participating in, feeling, and beloving the sacredness of all living parts of Creation –
beloving ourselves and all peoples as sacred Creation –
knowing all Creation as living –
experiencing a heart-shift into the ‘greening of our self/our soul’ –
all needful to understand what it would mean to be in
harmonizing collaboration with Creation instead of discordant domination
We can learn, re-learn, to trust that when we do this,
when we step down from the throne we usurped
we are saving the Earth by trusting her to heal and save herself
We cannot be saviors of Creation; we can but become collaborators with Creation
with Earth, in the Healing
of our shared wounds
of our shared Web of life

May we awaken to this great Healing
May we embody it

Year of Abundance Project Revisited; Embodied Abundance

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Time to revisit my Abundance Project, for a review of what has (or hasn’t) been going on with it the last few months!

I clearly haven’t been doing a monthly review for each month’s theme/actions. And it’s not that the project itself went by the wayside, because it didn’t, although it has taken a vastly different form than I could’ve envisioned when I crafted it. Some aspects and actions just haven’t been possible (such as June with its Social focus and all the gathering/neighborhood ideas I had!) and a certain depletion or narrowing of creative energy coupled with intense work/therapy focus meant I didn’t always come up with anything much clever to fill the gap either.

Some of the monthly themes took on such an ironic feel in their timing, considering quarantine. April – Parenting? May – Family? A fitting focus for each of those months! Little of it looked in action as it had on paper, for sure, but was determined by the needs of the moment and the needs of the moment shaped the responses. Though sometimes I felt as though I were floundering and failing, somehow it all managed to be ‘good enough’ … and sometimes, that’s what abundance looks like in weird, rough times, giving yourself and others the grace of ‘good enough’.

Yet, though the forms morphed into something so unexpected, to have the abundance framework has helped hold me up somehow – hold me up in hope, remind me of love and joy and passion (which was this month’s theme focus, Play/Passion), and remember it’s not only okay but vital in times like these to nourish our joy, to find wonder, to be playful.

I suppose one reason I felt hesitant, as if it were inappropriate to write of abundance in such of time of upheaval and uncertainty, distress and despair, when it’s so apparent so many don’t have the same chances to participate in and know abundance, and when so many other topics urgently needed attending, voicing, and engaging. To me, for a while it felt that writing anything about an abundance project seemed out of tune, that it would be misattuned and disharmonious (and attending to attunement is a key part of my deep meaning of lived integrity, my 2020 word). Whether or not that seems like an accurate interpretation of the situation and energy to others, it was something I felt moved to be respectful of and intentional about in whatever I did offer or share.

And, goodness, how is ‘abundance’ supposed to look right now? How is my abundance, your abundance supposed to look? Or perhaps more accurately, how does it and how can it look? Beyond that, how does abundance look for those grieving loss and injustice, for those suffering oppression, for those laboring for liberation right now?

How to define, refine abundance right now? How is the year 2020 a year of abundance; what abundance can be drawn from all this year has brought, broken down, cracked wide open, thrown wildly to the winds, swamped us and our world with? Those are questions that perhaps can’t be answered yet, perhaps the answers are still buried, hidden, unfolding, perhaps some answers are vividly, defiantly, beautifully present in the challenge, pain, and grief.

One thing I know – abundance itself remains as real and present, as valid and vital as ever it was. The experience of abundance, the ability to access and know and choose abundance in its many forms, a right all deserve. Abundance in the form of moments of awe and wonder, nature’s healing gifts (such as blue butterflies I saw on my recent solitary retreat). Abundance in the many forms of hope and grace, love and liberation, joy and justice, liberty and equity, solidarity and empathy, honesty and healing, humility and truth, community and collaboration, rest and restoration …

I’ve been learning of embodied activism (being connected and present in mind, spirit, and body in social justice and advocacy action, in racial justice work, and antiracism practice – and this makes perfect sense to me as a therapist and yoga teacher, considering we experience life in bodies, our bodies carry our memories and traumas, and so the work of justice and healing needs to happen intentionally through and in our bodies to be a whole work). But considering the many forms of abundance makes me think of embodied abundance … embodying abundance. Abundance present and embodied in nature, in us, in our relationships with ourselves/our bodies and in our relationships with others. Us learning to be present in our bodies and our world, to be embodied, and to embody abundance for one another in all those beautiful qualities of being and serving and advocating listed above.

So, perhaps this points to an answer to some of the questions above …

abundance can look like and be
hope and grace embodied,
love and liberation embodied,
joy and justice embodied,
liberty and equity embodied,
solidarity and empathy embodied,
honesty and healing embodied,
humility and truth embodied,
community and collaboration embodied,
rest and restoration embodied!

Easter Hope Rising

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

The stories of Holy Week and Easter season carry such rich imagery and always seem to lend themselves to deep metaphorical reflection and visioning, for me. One doesn’t have to name oneself as Christian to draw from this deep well of living metaphor, or to see how it uncannily, without fail, reflects the troubled, complex, both/and state of (my) humanity and the world in these quarantine days – darkness and light, grief and grace, loss and abundance, co-existing all together, backlit by hope rising.

Something in me continues to love keeping the Easter vigil, especially in those deep wild still hours of the night, and even though we couldn’t keep the Easter vigil at our church this year, we had the invitation to keep vigil at home. And so I purposed to keep vigil through the night til the morning, through those deep wild still hours … Prepared candles and incense and a place to sit in silence and a place to write as the Spirit so moved.

And the Spirit so moved, in this way! This is a wrenching, raw cry from the deepest places of my heart and soul, bowed in grief, lifted in grace – for me and for the world, hope for me and you and the world.I hadn’t necessarily intended to share this poem publicly, because it’s so nakedly personal – these are some of my deepest aches, vanities, and longings, core wounds and spiritual struggles. The old patterns, old pains, that keep rising up as I keep peeling layers upon layers, seeking deeper healing, truer, freer living … this quarantine Easter season has brought so much to the surface, for me, for us all, for our world …
Yet it seems right to be open, if there is anything that may speak to other hearts, too.

With much love and hope, I bow and share this from the Spirit with you, beloved ones!

Rise, Leave the Graveclothes

It is time to leave the tomb
I have been there a while
Not alive but dead to life deepened
                        dead not alive
                        not alive, not risen
                        not living nor rising
In a tomb
                   I have been
It is time to arise
                   leave this tomb
                   return no more
                   to this place
Rise, leave the graveclothes behind
                   seal the tomb
                   return no more
                   to this death
 
Resentment, toxic envy
                  bitterness of seeing others
                  richly clothed in honor and influence
                  you have sought
                  but feel nakedly unknown
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                        Seal this tomb
                                        free, walk in light
                                                  clothed new
 
Praise and honor craved
                    from some, stories
                    and needs carried
                    unmet, not to be met
                   still worn, worn to tatters
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                         Seal this tomb
                                         free, walk in light
                                                    clothed new
 
Desires to have your words
                    known, esteemed, quoted
                    to carry weight in the world
                    and ring wild into the Night
               This want to be a thought leader
                              a spirit leader
                              a standard bearer of belovedness
              Graveclothes
                                     nothing but graveclothes
              Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                         Seal this tomb
                                         free, walk in light
                                                    clothed new
              Understanding, a mirror held to you
                                  you may fancy yourself
                                  prophet or poet
                                  mystic or mother to the world
                                  and wish this seen
                                  but these, small ego longings
                                  they are
              Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
              Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                         Seal this tomb
                                         free, walk in light
                                                    clothed new
 
The trappings of ego, social norms
                   the pressure to be doing
                   creating, producing
                   squeezed by deadening belief
                   you are only relevant
                   in doing and known to be
                                                                      doing
                                                done, I am
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave ego’s graveclothes
                                             seal its tomb
                                             Free, walk in light
                                                        clothed new
                                                  Enfleshed grace –
                              Don’t you yet know –
                                         you are Relevant
                                         by being Risen
                                         awake, alive
                                         enlivened, enfleshed
                                                     Grace
 
Comparisons – of your children
                    to the shiny-ness of others’
                    children, achievers, actively known
                              much praised
                    names held in golden esteem
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               (and these – graveclothes
                         your children themselves
                         are not wearing
                         because you have well taught
                         them not to put them on
                                             so why must you!)
               Graveclothes
                                       nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave these graveclothes
                                         seal the tomb
                                         free, walk in light clothed
                                             Awake, alive, eyes clear
                              to see light embodied in your children
                                                  as they are
                                 love them into their authentic
                                                  best selves
                              and do not offer them graveclothes, of any sort
                                                     to wear
                                  or model for them graveclothes
                          Model for them the rising
                                             and the leaving
                                             of the graveclothes
                                             the sealing of the tomb
                                             the walking free, in light
 
Comparisons, self-condemnations
                     spirit-quenching judgments
                     robbing joy and justice
                     In blindness, holding onto
                                             unlit candles
                                light of others unseen, unhonored
                                your own light unlit
                                             un-risen, un-enfleshed
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
 
Rise! Leave the graveclothes
               all graveclothes
               seal the tomb
Free! Walk in light, clothed
      awake and alive
                 Risen
 
Risen, enfleshed Grace
            dry bones enlivened
                  clothed in
                        Light
 
Rise!
          Leave the graveclothes
               of this past life
                                             (death)
               of what was thought normal
                              but was
                                             death
          These graveclothes, they are
                              but tatters and they stink
                              Shake them free
                              dust, they disintegrate
                              shake the dust free
                              rise and walk
                              Return no more
                              to this death
                              Risen, return to life
 
Things that have been thought normal in this world
                       scarcity, lack, greed
                       busyness and exhaustion
                       body and soul and earth depletion
                       unkindness and heart blindness
                       violence and war
                       inequity and injustice
               Graveclothes
                                       nothing but graveclothes
                       that are and belong
                                                               to death
               Let us all rise, leave these graveclothes
                              Seal the tombs we have made
                             for one another,
                              seal them
                              return to them no more
               Free, let us walk in light clothed
                              together Risen
              

Monthly Abundance Focus, March: Generosity

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

This review of March’s Abundance theme focus is a little later than usual, and frankly, I seriously considered whether it was honestly the right time or relevant to be posting about an Abundance Project in the midst of a pandemic, topsy-turvy time of loss and grief. Well – and especially when the focus of March was ‘Money’, with the overall intention of financial energy care and changing my spirit toward financial abundance!

And I’m still questioning … but I’m going to share something for 3 reasons:

One, because continuity matters, for the sake of retaining some sense of healthy normalcy and incorporating what was helpful from old rhythms and structures into the new.

Two, because abundance still matters and is perhaps even more relevant, simply in a different way.

Three, because this theme focus is really more about generosity than finances or financial attitudes (well, maybe generosity is both a financial and spiritual attitude!) – and generosity of service and spirit matters, more than ever!

When there is much loss and fear and grief afoot, abundance and hope and grace are even more relevant – fundamental not only to surviving but thriving, to sustaining care and compassion, to moving through grief and yet inviting gratitude to be present where it can be found, to maintaining an un-narrowed spirit open to share and serve and trust.

Certainly, this year’s circumstances weren’t what I envisioned (how could I?!) – and yet, reflecting on it, what better time to have an Abundance Project? To have intentions and practices in place to ground and sustain me and stay in my heart and mind even when my energy flagged and my soul and body felt wearied and worn.

I’m not going to post the entirety of the action steps, because some of them got as turned upside down as did life and its structures and rhythms and just had to be let go. But the two which were my anchoring intentions became freshly, vividly relevant – re-defining what abundance can mean, needs to mean, on a deeper level, for self and soul care and communal care.

The mantra for the month was ‘Make money your servant, to help you serve in love’. And oh, how relevant was and is serving in love!

Some may remember that at the beginning of March I posted this on Facebook: My challenge to myself this month, which I am sharing here now to help me with diligence + accountability, is to buy nothing new this month, outside of groceries and household supplies! (One hope is that this helps with my book addiction ) I’ll let you know at the end of month how intention parlayed into accomplishment …

The challenge to buy nothing new or un-needed? It worked well – helped out by the practicality of removing non-essential store trips and utilizing online grocery shopping/order pick-up options, especially in service of public health safety. If, say, a splurge urge arose, I sat with it, to see what the need really was underneath the want and to give the desire a chance to dissolve of its own accord. Waiting helped me want less and fill the true need more. Wanting less helped me see I have and am enough already; wanting less helped me have more to give!

And in the middle of March, this: “Be generous. Do not budget generosity. Do not ever fear to be generous.”

These are words from one of my action steps in this month’s Abundance Project theme focus …. and today I’ve been reflecting just how appropriate they feel to me right now. Now is the time for abundant generosity, and to not give permission to the fear and anxiety that is present right now to pull us away from that or lure us into a fear-narrowed scarcity mindset. We *will* have enough together!

Now is the time for generosity of care, of compassion, of communication, of finding both creative and practical ways to reach out, serve, soothe, and help one another. To give without measure from what we have to give. To feed one another – not just offering food for the body but food for the heart, soul, mind, to share peace for our troubled spirits, be balm for one another’s anxious fears, to hold space for one another. All of this generosity is possible even with the physical distancing – physical distancing need not be, must not be, emotional or spiritual distancing!

We have an invitation now into deeper ways of practicing healing community, inviting Love to bridge physical and social distances and bring us together in a solidarity more powerful than fear, than any virus.

If the first intention is about understanding the true need under the want, this second intention is about an ‘abundance response’.

The two intentions fit perfectly together! I couldn’t have known when I was crafting my Abundance Project how right each month’s guiding focus and intentions would be, but they have been so attuned to the needs of the moment it could only have been Spirit, indeed. They helped me not get lost in a tempting fear-narrowed scarcity mindset. They anchored me in a more generous compassion toward my fears and needs and others’ fears and needs, and served as a compass pointing me toward abundance responses.

Abundance responses are exactly what is needed right now … to help us care well for ourselves and one another, to help us help ourselves and our communities deal with the suffering,  fears, and challenges* of this time and find healing together.

*Including parenting, which it just so happens I chose as April’s focus with intention to cultivate relationship with each kid, and spend quality time with them, and the mantra to “Love them as they are, so that they learn to love themselves into their authentic best selves.” Well! How much more fitting could that get, indeed!*

Reflections from an all-too-human therapist, upon 2+ weeks of doing quarantine life and therapy

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I’ve been sharing some reflections now and then on my personal Facebook page and figured I may as well offer them here too, because why not? Why not preserve a record of this time and these lessons here too?

As a therapist/yoga teacher/mindfulness and meditation facilitator, I keep thinking I have a responsibility to offer helpful things related to dealing with anxiety and trauma, and how to use meditation and mindfulness practices to help. Yet, I haven’t quite been able to make that happen … but then, maybe that’s a ‘should’ I don’t need to carry right now!

And some of the other productive/creative ideas I’ve had about how to use the extra time that not needing to commute gives me? Reading, writing, doing more therapeutic training? Sometimes I find myself feeling weary, aimless, unfocused … and not being productive or redeeming the gift of time that this new rhythm of life seems to offer me.

So I considered just how much energy it has taken to shift my practice home and online. And the immense energy it takes to engage therapeutically online! Creating attunement, reading emotional and nonverbal cues, being present – these elements are all essential to therapeutic relationship in any context, but also practicing them through a cyber connection requires a deep intentional retuning of awareness and maintaining quality of attention.

And this is on top of parenting my kids through a tremendous transition for them, all of us learning to live together in this new reality. Being present for them, overseeing home learning and chores, dealing with challenging attitudes … whew!

And shepherding a community organization …

As a mentor pointed out to me, each one of these is in itself a tremendous amount of emotional labor … but all together, and at a time where there’s already a deep river of stress energy and collective grief running through the world, of which I feel acutely aware.

So of course I don’t have the energy to give and do and be everything I feel a longing to give and do and be! Of course there are limits to my human strength that provide boundary to my desires … though those limits don’t hem in hope or love.

I’ve seen articles that remind me that it’s okay to feel unproductive right now, that it’s okay and necessary to allow time and space to just be, that the time doesn’t all have to be filled with amazingness of productivity and creativity. That feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, ennui are all valid right now, that it’s okay and necessary to allow grace and space for feeling them and moving through them. That simply adjusting to this new rhythm of living and parenting and being is in itself an act of intense emotional labor that takes much energy. Considering what personal expectations of productivity and creativity are fair in light of that is an act of grace toward ourselves!

So this is a reminder to myself that I’m sharing out loud in your presence – to be fair to myself and rest from burdensome expectations that sap needed energy, to find what nourishes my energy and what heals me when I feel depleted, and to allow space and grace for all feelings.

May you all find these things, may we allow ourselves to be and to grieve and to heal together, beloved ones!

****

There will still be a review of last month’s Abundance Project theme, coming soon. The era of coronavirus, quarantine, and social solidarity/physical distancing has cast a different light across my project, but this light has brought out things I might never have seen otherwise and has shifted my perspective of abundance and its relevance!

Monthly Abundance Focus: Reviewing February (Energy)

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

February – ENERGY


Intention: Boost vitality and improve atmosphere of home.
Mantra: Lightness, laughter, love, and less stuff.
Actions:
1. Sage home regularly. (This means, get home saging kit!)
2. De-cluttering, minimizing, reducing materialism. Too much stuff, not in order, saps energy.
3. Set up cleaning service – regular.
4. Ethical diet – mindful consumption. Move toward and into more vegetarian diet.
5. From pros/cons list – note energy feeders vs. energy drains. Determine appropriate actions to reduce energy drains, and focus on energy feeders.
6. Mindful of energy of communication.
7. Lighten up about expectations, chores, and chaos.
8. Laugh more. Get a game to play with kids that invites everyone to play and laugh together.
9. Energy healing (chakra work).

Some things I have noticed as this project/year unfolds:

*My action plans are rather ambitious, so I’ve found it essential to check my expectations – or let them go! I’ve given myself permission to not accomplish everything on each month’s list, so that I don’t weigh myself down.
*The idea on some of these action steps is simply to begin  – and to realize some of them are broad and dynamic, perhaps not finishable in a time-limited sense, but rather ongoing, evolving, deepening shifts in perspective and behavior.
*Many remain ‘in progress’ – they weren’t for just the one month, although that was a time to dedicate specifically to growing them into enduring habits.
*Broader actions or intentions provide a neat contrast and balance to the more specific, time-limited ones. It’s kind of nice to have actions or intentions that can be checked off, but some to put the ‘in progress’ next to, also!
*And – imperfect progress is progress.
*How relevant each month’s theme really are to my life in the moment! Of course, that could well be just because that’s where my attention is, so that’s what I notice, but the intentions and actions already planned have been so right for the needs that arose. Trust the universe, indeed!

So, to check in on February!

Let me tell you, I am now sold on having a cleaning service come in! It was beyond wonderful and such relieved joy to arrive home to a sparkling clean home that had been deep cleaned in places I haven’t gotten to in ages.  The first cleaning was a gift from dear friends who understood what a burden-lifter it would be, but a cleaning once a month from now on is my gift to myself and my kids, too!

Between that and a major decluttering of my closet and room, and donating loads of things from it to a local homeless shelter, the energy in my home became so much brighter, lighter, and more vital! Which meant my energy felt so much brighter, lighter, and more vital … and this flowed into my relationships with my kids, my parenting, and my communications with them. There has been more lightness and laughter ….

And less stuff too!

The decluttering of my closet and room had felt like an intimidating task to me, but turned out to be such fun once I buckled down to it. So satisfying to have a more neatly organized closet, and it’s been easier to get dressed faster in the morning because it’s only the things that I will and do truly wear that are there – fewer (and yet more viable) options actually makes decision-making much simpler, which in turns saves mental and emotional energy.

Another satisfying thing was releasing remnants of the past me, letting go of things that no longer suited or served me or had never truly suited or served me, removing burdens or bonds that I had allowed to remain, in some cases not even aware of how I had held onto them or the energy cost of that … the sense of lightness  that came from this, so liberating!

I have regularly saged my office space at the end of day, and found it powerful as a way of clearing my mind and soul, and honoring the stories and emotions that have been shared there that day along with preparing the space for those to come. I thought – why not give myself and my family the same gift at home – cleansing, sanctifying the space, dedicating it to sacred peace? My kids aren’t necessarily fond of the sage smell, bless them … but nonetheless, to me, I feel that the air and energy and spirit in our home is lighter and cleaner. Practices that invite peace and cleansing are vital!

About the non-meat eating, I’m still learning what a holistically balanced vegetarian diet looks like, and what will best meet my body’s needs, but my body does feel happier energy so far! As well, I simply feel more in line with my own values, my sense of mindful, ethical living, which helps my spiritual well-being.

Finally, one of my guide-phrases for the year is ‘Energy follows attention; energy follows expression’. This is 2-fold. First, my thoughts and my attention affect my energy level and my mood, so when my thoughts and attention went down a rabbit hole, my energy followed! And when I directed myself out of the rabbit hole, my energy followed. Also, science-y tidbit here – our brains take cues about our emotions/moods from our facial expressions, so putting on a half-smile, even a tiny curve of the lips, sends feedback to our brains that can shift mood. I’ve found this practice helpful to shift or lift physical, mental, and emotional weariness. Remembering the phrase and its practices have been a key way to manage the overall energy of my communication and my presence.

All these practices have been nourishing and cleansing, and so yes, my own and my home’s energy feel more vital, lighter, and brighter!

************

Preview:

March’s theme is …. Money/financial abundance (and so, so in time, too!).

Monthly Abundance Focus: Reviewing January (Time)

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Monthly Abundance Focus

One main theme each month, a primary intention and mantra

January – TIME

Intention: Respect my own time and use it more wisely and mindfully.
Mantra: There is enough time. There is always enough time, in the Now.
Actions:
1. Set more precise time boundaries.
2. Refine FB/social media use.
3. Do pros/cons list of current obligations and activities. Discern time/energy required. Determine what has time priority. Determine ways to simplify, reduce time needed/spent.
4. Create structure and strategies for completion of paperwork and collateral communication. Keeping up on treatment plans.
5. Make time to write more. Create specific plan for when/where to write. Develop blog-posting plan. Sentences, short thought pieces, quotes? Abundance Project progress?
6. Be intentional about social and romance time.
7. Allow time to play and time to rest and/or do nothing
8. Say no to or change commitments that do not fit in your time/energy budget or align with values.
9. With board commitments, do not be afraid to delegate as much as possible and trust.
10. Respect sleep time needs. Keep regular sleep/wake hours.
11. Use your planner every day! Keep yourself organized.

Before it gets too far into February, here’s January’s theme and action steps and a little review and reflection of how it went and what I learned!

What I did – tried to do – as a basic accountability structure was review my guide-word and guide-phrases and visit the month’s intentions/action steps each day. I say, tried to do, as it didn’t happen every single day, but it did happen most days! To help me stay aligned this is exactly what I needed, to create strategies to embed these intentions and action plans in my awareness, so that they would walk with me where I walked, sit with me where I sat, be present with me wherever I was present.

Each week I also reviewed progress. It helped that in conjunction with this I also got a “fancy planner” with lots of guidance and reflection tools in it  – this was a leap of faith, as planners and I have had inconsistent relationships in the past; commitment has been an issue, you could say! But this particular planner has been fun to use and has helped me stay accountable and focused. It’s motivating to see and reward progress – and all progress counted.

I focused on Time first because time management/organization/detail overwhelm were huge drains for me last year in trying to adjust to a much busier work life + community commitments. So many times I found myself repeating the same refrain – I have too much to do, there’s not enough time! And this mentality became its own energy drain, and put me right in a place where I set myself up for time mismanagement, mental exhaustion, and more forgetting (or more kindly, less timely remembering of details and tasks!).

My purpose was to shift my mentality to shift my energy and change my relationship to my ‘busy-ness’; cultivate a more peaceable relationship with time.

So, how did it go??

You might notice that I was fairly ambitious and detailed in action steps – and might wonder, but didn’t those take time?? Well yes, they did require a time and intention commitment, but overall I feel they provided a structure and discipline I needed! And cultivated deeper self-respect, as well.

Telling myself consistently instead, there is enough time, helped me feel lighter and freer. In terms of abundance, it didn’t make there BE more time! Rather, the abundance is that it began shifting my mentality around time, and helped reverse the time and energy drain. As well, one of my guide phrases is, ‘One thing in the moment,’ and I reminded myself of this whenever I felt the weight of ‘all the things to do’ press in. Do this one thing now, with your whole attention; then do the next thing.

I got a little notebook I keep by my computer at work to write down tasks and details through the day that needed attention, and this relieved my brain and saved me time both. It helped me stay more organized and be more efficient; plus, it feels satisfying to check things off, too!

One of the most foundational action steps was #3, creating that pros/cons list, which helped me clearly identify what was costing me significantly in time/energy with less value return. That in turn helped me with #8, letting go of time commitments that were weighing me/my energy/my spirit down and perhaps even feeding resentment, burnout, overwhelm. That was difficult in one sense, as when I take on a commitment I take it seriously and have trouble letting go sometimes. But in another sense, it was so freeing, and I felt so much lighter and (time)richer once I did!

So, I learned it’s not only okay but also so vital to review and refine your commitments and obligations regularly, to focus attention and time on that which enriches you and let go of what may be impoverishing you.  As well, checking expectations and judgments – they’re draining, too! And this lesson feeds right into February’s theme, which is Energy.

And part of the blessing of abundance was that I had more time and space free for simply being, playing, enjoying friends and my kids, reading (yay!), and even writing (double yay!). It was more a matter of attention and intention, though, intentionally making choices to honor and care for what mattered most to me. Being more awake in the moment that I was in, being awake Now. (Another guide-phrase: Be here now, be awake Now.)

But did I really have more time? No – I had more life in my time! And more than that, I feel like I simply had more life … still boundaried by time in practical ways, but also less bound by it in my spirit. 

So thank you, January, and hello, February!

2020 Guide-word: Integrity

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Year of Abundance Project

Guide-word for year: INTEGRITY

Definition [personal] of word: Ability and act of staying in tune with the inner voice of my intuition and of Spirit, knowing and aligning with core values, discerning deeply what it means from moment to moment, choice to choice, to live attuned and to return to attunement whenever mistunement or misalignment is present and known. To be willing for the process of re-attuning, re-aligning, retuning, returning and returning.
Intuition, and intention, attuned and aligned with Spirit, anchored thus no matter the winds and waves and current of this sea of life.

I am the boat, life is the sea
Integrity makes me sea-worthy
boundaries me, sustains me
nurtures me, holds me

Exposition of fuller meaning of this integrity and its application in my daily living:

This integrity is about being true to the deepest truths of my body, mind, spirit, soul. It is about making a vow to be true and to live from the essence of my soul, a congruity between what matters most to me and what is for highest good for all with choices made and energy (spirit) shared.

This integrity is about attunement – to my physicality, my sexuality, my gender identity, my spirituality. Attunement in relationships with myself/Self, others [clients, friends, peers, colleagues, mentors, leaders, family, children, lover], and the Infinite Presence. Attunement on all levels – holistic attunement – physical (or material), emotional, psychological, intellectual, mental, social, relational, spiritual. Attunement with the created world, Creation, and Creator Presence.

Attunement to the way that my desires, perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, views, words, attitudes, actions, choices all intersect and interact with one another, the energy field this creates around me and the way my energy affects others, and where these elements are in alignment with innermost values as well as where they are not. Integrity is acting in the interests of attunement, which means listening to the voice that speaks from the deep stillness at the center of my being, my true Self. This is the voice speaking from Source into the center of my being and is my true voice – not the voice of ego but the voice of soul. If I know myself/Self, if I know this true voice and listen and respond to its direction and re-direction, herein is integrity, and in this integrity, liberty – living attuned and free.

Overarching Vow:  Preserve Presence. Be present with myself, with others, with Presence.

Note of explanation: This is the first installment of my Year of Abundance Project series! With this project, I also included other pieces such as 20 Guide-Phrases for 2020, vision/values and mission statements, etc. But the main part of the project involved choosing a theme to focus on each month, with a guiding intention and encouraging mantra as well as action steps for each theme. So, I will be sharing each month about that month’s focus, progress, and what I’m learning!

Thank you for coming along with me and sharing in abundance!

Turn the stones to peace

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Sometimes, the various thoughts and messages I think I’d like to share feel rather like a swirling nebula, and the question is, where are the stars?! Where is that cloud of desires, feelings, ideas, and possibilities coalescing into a star, a message that’s like a unified point of light, shining bright and clear? Sometimes, these days, the intention, time, and energy required for star formation (as it were!) are beyond me …. but I do what I can to keep the creation spark alive!

And that’s why it’s a gift to rediscover stars – writings and poems from past years that hold the essence of a message that remains relevant to my heart, that speak light to my soul again, that could speak light out into the world, perhaps. I wanted to share one of those stars here, a poem I wrote in November 2017 – a time when my heart felt like it had somehow become full of stones, but I sure didn’t want to keep carrying them and so I desperately sought a healing, freeing practice.

The stones that the poem speaks of are stones that any of us could be carrying in our hearts for whatever reason – we’re human, and these stones, these feelings, these emotional, psychological, and spiritual experiences, are a part of our humanness. But there is a way to see more deeply into these things, to see them for what they are (and are not), and there is a way to set ourselves free, to “turn the stones to peace”. It might be that we need to “turn the stones to peace” over and over and over again, to set ourselves free over and over and over again. At least, this is true for me – I find I need to return to the practice, partly because I seem to be good at finding stones to carry again!

It can be intense, challenging, sometimes exhausting work, but also such healing and freeing work – what lightness and light it can bring, that we then carry with us, wherever we go and to whomever we meet.

And drawing the lens out further: What if this were not only an internal practice, but a communal practice that we learned (re-learned) to share and do together – and found peace, became free, together? To carry stones no more to our own hurt and others’ hurt, but turn them to peace, be free. Be free to be love to ourselves and one another.

Turn the stones to peace

These stones
I have carried in my heart
Resentment stones
Envy stones
Loneliness stones
Grief stones
Bitter stones
Sorrow stones
These stones
I have carried in my heart

I reach
inside
and I gather these stones
I hold them in my hands
rest them on my palms
lift my hands up
feel the weight of these stones
I see the stones
outside my heart
I see them for what they
are
emptiness
perception not whole
truth
As I see them
for what they
are
they fall into dust
and from the dust
transform into doves
who take wing

Robbed of their form
and their weight
given a whole
truth
stones become peace
my heart is light
I carry stones there
no more
I am free

Presence/Poetry

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I haven’t forgotten I have a blog, nor have I forgotten the joy weaving words together brings me, but I have been seeking to discern where and how writing fits into this full to the brim season of my life – the career season, I guess! I still, and always will, consider writing as one of my first loves and one of my deepest callings. Sometimes, though, it’s been a neglected love, one that I needed to pick up from a shelf and dust off, rediscover anew. Or it’s a calling that’s gotten swamped amidst the multitude of other time and commitment choices I’ve made. Or it’s a gift I have too often left unopened or unshared …

I love the therapeutic work that I am engaged in, and it’s part of my life’s work, my calling – to listen, teach, serve, guide, counsel, be present, help people find the healing power within them – but writing has never stopped feeling as though it belongs in my life’s work too. The form and expression it takes just seems to keep evolving … and so the form it seems to be taking right now is journaling and poetry, putting my journaling into poem/prose form (free form, that is, free from any conventional style of rhythm and rhyme!). Somehow, poetry seems simpler to manage right now than a thought-piece or essay, too. And since I wrote multitudes of poems in my teens and twenties, returning to poem-form feels like coming home.

So, this blog offering is a poem drawn from more of my January retreat (at St. Benedict) journaling. A poem that feels like it weaves together the mosaic of intentions that shapes the deepest essence of  who and how I want to be in the work I do, the life I live … deep listening, loving speech, healing words, learning stillness, practicing the pause, holding presence, being present with Presence. Mindful speech, mindful silence.

These intentions are like vows – my ‘Presence in communication’ vows – vows that are sacred to me. And these are also vows offered to myself, my children, my friends, colleagues, clients, everyone I meet. I’m still only beginning to learn how to practice them and be them with mindful consistency across the many situations and interactions that come my way, but I am keeping them close at heart!

(And if you look in the wayback of my blog archives, I’ve carried these intentions, these vows – or they’ve carried me – for a while now, and they’ve only taken deeper root. They’re home, where they belong! I’m home in them …)

I think, too, that this poem just opened my eyes to something – that my calling is itself a mosaic, many parts of whole, as one! The intentions of belovedness and Presence hold this mosaic together.

Presence in Communication

The intention of my every day communication:
To carry silence with my communication,
to allow silence the place in my communication –
pauses before my words, rests while listening
whole listening
my own thoughts stilled
open to the silence behind the other’s words
the unspoken notes clear to my ear

My policy toward the spoken word:
Use only the words that are most necessary
With care, choose them well
Take a breath, take a sacred pause
better to enter into a space –
a space that allows the liberty to feel
into the right intent
from which the right words will
flow –
Right words will come
from the letting go of over-thinking
the search for them
surrendering into the flow
of Presence

Best of all, in all
tend presence, tend Presence
Presence speaks the best, says the most
and needs no words
to convey the meaning of love
to show another they are heard and known
If and when words fail –
for they do and will
accept this truth with grace –
If and when words fail –
remain present
With or without words
your presence is your
communication
of your essence

Deepen presence, deepen into it
become
intimate
with silence, stillness, sacred pauses, rests
deep listening
whole-soul listening not only to the words
but beyond the words
to the whole being of another

Listening with deep presence, quiet mind
from this well of deep Presence
mindful healing words
can be drawn to offer
like living water
But it is your presence still
that makes the water
of your words
Living

Retreat reflections: Mindfulness vows to myself

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I began 2019 with a silent retreat at a lovely, serene spiritual oasis in northeast Nebraska (St Benedict Center). It was a time of deeply mindful, sacred rest – exactly what my body and soul needed after a busy, intense, revolutionary year full of some pretty powerful learning and growing experiences! 

When I arrived, my soul felt it was home. I knew, my body and soul knew, here was a place of deep peace safe to rest and be – and all I had to do here was rest and be. Lay down burdens, step into another world, set aside the phone and the watch, re-connect to and follow the rhythms of nature and my own body. What a delight and relief!

For me, this retreat was like a spiritual pilgrimage, a journey within, to see what I could find and learn in the silence and to see what gifts and news silence would bring me. I came with some deep desires. What I hungered for was to find and learn what would help me live my purpose to be more present in my life and with others. What I thirsted for was to immerse myself in Presence and know deeper healing and wholeness.

After arriving and settling in, I thought, to find what I’m seeking I need to set intention(s) that will give me clear direction. Oh, yes, I sought space for my soul to wander free … but I also didn’t want my mind to wander lost either!

I sat in the solarium that first afternoon with pen and notebook, surrounded by books and light and spacious quiet, soaking in the peaceful ambience, a still quiet at ease with itself. I reflected on how I could act with deliberate intention in physical and spiritual ways to support and deepen my purpose and practice of presence, to embody mindfulness.

In this quietness, these words came to be my guide and companion on my retreat journey. And they’ve stayed! I decided they weren’t just retreat vows, but life vows. I printed out and framed a copy I keep in my bedroom, and another I put on my desk in my (new!) office space, to keep my purpose ever before my eyes, engraved on my mind, nurtured in my heart, informing my words and my work, flourishing in my whole being.

There were many rich lessons, wild and precious moments of pure joy and aliveness, profound healing experiences, and other gifts I’d love to share down the road perhaps (some feel like they are only meant to be told in how I live but the ones meant to be told here will tell me, I’m sure!). But for now, just this seems enough and more:

Guiding Mindfulness Vows

(My Vows to myself on my Retreat and for Life)

When I walk, I will walk
When I sit, I will sit
When I eat, I will eat
When I write, I will write
When I read, I will read
When I rest, I will rest
When I listen, I will listen
When I observe, I will observe

When I look, I will look deeply
            into myself
            into what is present

When a feeling arises, I will feel it as it is
            and then set it free
            chaining to it no story

I will be with my body
                       my heart
                       my mind
                       my soul

When I notice myself in distraction  
          I will redirect myself with a gentle grace
When I notice myself in rumination and self-recrimination
            I will give thanks for my awareness and
            return my body and mind to the one act
                        of presence

            of walking
            of sitting
            of eating
            of writing
            of reading
            of resting
            of listening
            of observing

Above all and in all
            of experiencing this moment
           of being and inter-being

With my presence, I will be present
With Presence, I will be present

Voiceless

/ Lanae / 1 Comment Featured

Voiceless
On some things
I feel
my voice is
silence
silenced?
Silence my voice
voice my silence

Sometimes
silence
is the voice of grace
grace the voice
in silence
Is silence sometimes
the greater grace?

I’m not sure what sense this little collection of words makes, and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say.
What I know is this: I’m feeling voiceless, and from my voiceless feeling comes the question, Is silence sometimes the greater grace? Or, when is silence the greater grace?

Why am I feeling voiceless?
Because in the matter of traumatic sexual experiences, I too have a story/stories. One I can tell, one(s) I cannot.

My first sexual experience with a woman – really, my first true sexual experience – involved deceit, manipulation, and a lack of consent. 21 and I had never been drunk before, but a couple coworkers thought being 21 should be celebrated. One of them took me to her home later. The experience itself was unsettling in its emptiness, but it was the aftermath of harassment that was truly chilling – having the two of them confront me at work “We knew you were gay, you can’t hide it,” the two of them waiting for me outside my apartment when I got off work at 3 am, or the time I came home to find the yard decorated with toilet paper and apparently stolen road signs. It felt evil.

It also left me wondering, what does a consensual, joyful, soulful sexual experience feel like? Will I ever know?
When I went into celibate ministry later, I figured I’d never know and that would be okay.

But there’s another story, too.

It’s not that I lack courage to tell this story. I do have a voice, I know my voice, and I have lifted my voice to share other parts of my story – spirituality, sexuality, identity, the journey toward becoming a whole, beloved person.
There are other parts of my whole story I have left in silence, especially aspects of distressing sexual experiences – at least online silence. Because is it always the highest good, the most right thing, to bare deeply intimate things to the light of the [online] world? Does it always help with healing? No …
Do I entirely feel the liberty to share those intimate bits of my story, which is intermingled with another’s story, and in considering reverberations it could bring into my life or my children’s life? No …
But – do I want to be heard? Yes, absolutely.
And I have been heard. Heard by friends, heard in private conversations. Heard in even the stillness of my meditations  – the Spirit has heard me. And so there has been healing.

The main reason I’m writing is for myself, to process my thoughts and feelings, to wrestle with nuances. Perhaps another reason I’m writing is to put a little light on why some stories may not get told, some voices remain silent, or why this silence is sometimes a valid choice. These things deserve voice and understanding too …

All the stories and experiences matter. All the voices matter; all our voices matter!

I do think it’s important to consider that there are many forms and contexts in which traumatizing sexual experiences can occur, and there are demoralizing, dehumanizing sexual experiences women – anyone – go through that may not necessarily arise to the level of criminality or legal reckoning. That doesn’t mean there isn’t, or shouldn’t be, a spiritual, social, or moral reckoning of some kind.

Perhaps these experiences could or should be called assault or rape; perhaps in the technical legal definition, some would be considered neither rape nor assault. But where there was not consent, or consent was coerced, what should it be called? These experiences fall into a psychologically – as well as physically and physiologically – valid experience of being raped, feeling and being deeply, humiliatingly violated and intimately disrespected. Emotionally and spiritually raped.

All the stories and experiences matter!

All the voices matter, whether they roar or whisper, or are veiled in a fierce silence of grace or a fearful, shamed silence.

And sometimes, perhaps there’s genuinely a lack of intent to have caused someone to feel sexually degraded or demoralized, or a terrible awakening and striking pain when realizing this has been the other person’s experience. Lack of intention, lack of awareness, does not absolve the need for accountability, however, in whatever form.  In my situation, something about understanding this lack of intention has absolved me from carrying the weight of blame and shame, and created space for compassion (and self-compassion) that has ultimately been so healing for me.

To return to the question, I think sometimes [public] silence can be an act of grace that preserves peace in interactions that must continue – I feel that way for myself, anyway. Yet, while it’s okay for me to be [publically] silent about this piece of my story, and valid for me to feel that this kind of silence is grace in my experience, I feel that the greater grace in general now is the breaking of the silence, the outpouring of stories, the undoing of shame.

Indeed, it is well beyond the time for silence on sexual violence and the structures that enable it to be broken, the time for things that have been hidden, cloaked in unjust shame, to be unveiled – truths should be seen and heard and known. For the sake of women and the sake of all human beings who have experienced sexual violence.

After all, does change ever happen without stories, uplifted voices, narrating it?

But yet – though it’s okay to choose privacy on pieces of my story, and let others speak who can speak freely and whom the Spirit is moving to speak –
Something in me still feels voiceless. But at least I’ve given the voiceless feeling I’ve struggled with a voice here … it helps.
It’s been sharply uncomfortable. I want to have a voice, and I want it to roar and be heard, with fierce grace and belovedness!

But it helps to remember that I’m not truly voiceless … because my voice is joined with my sisters’ voices. And their voices are rising strong, perhaps shaking and perhaps with tears, but rising strong.
My spirit is joined with their spirit, our collective spirit rising strong – Spirit rising strong through us, through many.

Together, we all rise.

 

Living with a heart wider open

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Yesterday, I was reading a reflection in a lovely yoga book called Meditation on Intention and Being, by Rolf Gates, and there is a passage there that really resonated with me to share. It is from a section discussing self-study, or self-examination, being willing to look into ourselves, to understand our motives and our intents better – so we can change and purify them, change and purify our habits of thinking and doing and relating to others.

Anyway, these are the words I wish to share: “We find … that what stands between us and an act of kindness, or honesty, is not race, or gender, or politics, but just plain old-fashioned self-protection. We may mutter unkind stereotypes under our breath, but it is not because we are fundamentally against any particular type of people. What we discover is that we are against any threat to the immediate gratification of the self (ego).”

For me, this cut to the core of my own personal struggles with learning to live with a heart wider open, with generosity and vulnerability … and what I suspect is at the core of many prejudices and biases and extreme reactions people sometimes have toward those who are different, and why they feel so terribly threatened, hesitant or resistant to reach out or step out of their comfort zones. It is a self-protective measure, an ego-protective measure, a feeling that the sense of themselves as they have understood themselves, of the world as they have understood it, is threatened. And that is a fearful thing, that invites a passionate reaction of some sort … a reaction that perhaps covers up what is really at the core, that desire to protect ourselves.

That self-protectiveness, that self-defensiveness, the kind that causes me to resist or shrink in fear from deeper acts of compassion and generosity, of going beyond my self,  is something I am working on surrendering … and surrender is a challenging practice! But I don’t want the self-protective urges of my ego to cause me to miss out on the joy of surrender, living from the soul, living in abundance, generosity, purer integrity!

My intention: to become more self-aware of that limiting self-protectiveness, and to surrender it.

 

Anniversary and rebirth

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

We human beings  have a pattern of limning our lives, our stories, with anniversary. Rituals of return and remembrance and reflection – meaning molded by and told in the language of time,  beginnings, endings, transitions, journeys, seasons and spirals, cycles and circles,  birth and death and rebirth. And anniversary seems to be an idea that encompasses and embraces all of that meaning-making and feeling.

Anniversaries are powerful and meaningful memorials.

And so it is for me. I learned a lot about anniversaries, about how they mark grief and joy and loss and invite reflection on awakening and change, in the last year.

May 23rd marked the first anniversary of my (our) divorce. Anniversary usually brings to mind wedding days, yes, not divorce days … but anniversary can mark any day of significance. And this day is significant of a new era in my life, clearly demarcated new boundaries and the erasing of other boundaries.

Many things I haven’t shared – my sense has been that it was best to cover them with grace, and so it remains. And too, it wasn’t all only my story – this marriage and this divorce and all the attendant anniversaries and meanings and feelings, were a shared experience. Windows and mirrors into my own heart and wounds and flaws – I can choose that for myself, but (when) have I the liberty to choose it for another? Liberty only within boundaries of grace.

But this memory feels right to share …

May 23rd one year ago was a cloudy day – and a coldly formal, somber courtroom too, the air itself seeming as gray as the day outside. After the long wait between the filing and the crisp, detached pronouncement from the judge, the fifteen minutes of the hearing seemed abrupt and anticlimactic. A few words was all it took …

But isn’t that the way it has often been, a few words – so many of our social structures, our plans, our hopes, our feelings, our relationships, made of stories, and all it takes is a few words to create or uncreate or recreate the story, to weave or unweave or reweave the meanings.

But you know, it isn’t words that are most memorable from that day. It isn’t words. It’s the man who wiped tears from his eyes when I answered ‘yes’ to the question of whether I believed the marriage was irretrievably broken, and when the judge pronounced the marriage dissolved … From I pronounce you man and wife to  I pronounce you no longer man and wife …

The judge’s words weren’t the hard thing though there was something surreal present. In my heart was peace but with the peace the pang of pain for the open pain of the man at the other courtroom table – the one who was now my ex-husband.

Later, someone texted me – congratulations … I think? And no, the last thing I felt was celebratory. I felt solemn, a deep sigh cleaving the marrow of my soul. It was a funeral moment, not a party moment. A time of death, death of marriage – or the official time of death, anyway. Death – and yes, a beginning.

I walked down the courthouse steps, feeling freshly, vulnerably born into a wholly different life, same feet but a different path, taking steps into the mist of a brave new world, unknown waters to navigate. Like inhabiting new skin, a new way of being in my skin, uncharted self to learn …

One year on, I’ve navigated those waters, inhabited that new skin, learned more about that uncharted self. It’s been a powerful, beautiful, confounding, challenging year … both glorious and inglorious, messy and marvelous.

I’m grateful for the grace between my ex-husband and I, the spirit that makes it possible for us to co-parent in peace. That we can make decisions together for the kids, that we can share meals and holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, together. That we can do acts of kindness and service for another. That we can share friendly conversation, communicate and compromise. That the kids have this witness and this security. It’s like a transformed relationship, love in a different form – and perhaps a healthier, more right form for us!

And for me, a love informed by respectful compassion, informed by the indelible image and understanding left imprinted on my soul from that courtroom.

And my relationship with myself is continuously new, perhaps more informed than ever by that same compassion and respect – although I have certainly struggled with grace and patience with myself and my singlehood/sole financial responsibility/work-life-school-parenting-community involvement balance/efficient time management (yes, that’s a mouthful, and yes, I am busier and wear more hats than I ever fathomed I would) learning curve! But you know what? I am a perseverer and a persister … and I’ve persevered and persisted, and learned my power.

Oh, I’ve learned my power … and I’ve become more comfortable with my power. Comfortable wearing it, comfortable with it as my new skin, part of my new natural self and way of being in this world, in my life as it is now. I’ve gained a pride – (hopefully) not ego-pride, but the pride of confident authenticity, bold assertiveness, mindful acceptance of gifts graced to me by Spirit, and a deeper willingness to be evermore generous in my service and presence.

And as for the uncharted self? That new way of being in my skin, exploring new ways of being, throwing off old ways of being like graveclothes, shifting, evolving, moving beyond fixed forms of identity or sexuality or gender conceptualization. (These stories are for another time perhaps – but a simple clarification is, I no longer use the word gay to describe my sexuality, but queer – because its wide meaning encompasses much more of the nuances and texture of my sexuality and the undefinable fluidity I am increasingly comfortable with).

First redefining, then undefining, flowing toward being comfortable with no longer needing so many definitions, but being awake with my own is-ness as it is in whatever moment.  Being less attached, whether that is to ideas, self-definitions, life plans, or relationships.

It’s such a human thing to need and want definition and naming in order to apply meaning and understanding – and uncharted, uncomfortable territory to move beyond that, where Love itself is the meaning and the truth and the way.

But for now, on this anniversary of my divorce,  I celebrate rebirth and awakening and remember with respect the death that first had to be.

**************************

As has been my habit, this post was long … But change is coming! My plan move toward shorter reflections or seed-thought pieces, more in line with what I actually have time to produce/post in this season of life – and maybe I could post more often than every 3 months or so 😉

My hope is simplification and revival!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Awake

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Every year, my church holds an Easter vigil, beginning on Good Friday evening and extending through Easter Sunday morning. I’ve discovered I quite love the midnight to 4 a.m. hours – how quiet the church is at those hours! The little chapel area becomes a place set apart in space and time, with darkness and stillness of the night draped around …. a cocoon of calm.

I feel a fondness for that chapel – it has often been a retreat place for me, even in the midst of busy days, to come and find a bit of respite, to re-center. Not only to pray or meditate, but to think, to write, even to engage in an activity as mundane (and non-sacred seeming!) as work documentation – or to play the piano (which is one way I re-center). For me, it is a ‘thin place’ – places infused with the sense of the sacred, places that offer an invitation into reverence and renewal, places where the veil that often lies between everyday existence and Ultimate reality lifts or even dissolves …

The saying ‘thin place’ comes from Celtic wisdom tradition, where it is said that heaven and earth are only three feet apart, but in thin places that distance narrows. The boundaries between heaven and earth collapse, dissolve … or, perhaps more accurately, our sense of those boundaries collapses, dissolves. Our perceptions change, deepen – or we see beyond our usual perceptions, see beyond our illusions …

It seems to me that not only are there ‘thin places’, there are ‘thin people’ (no, I don’t mean physically thin!), ‘thin friendships’ – people and relationships that are like spiritual conduits, that help us come closer to the sacred, that invite us to go deeper in our spiritual journeys, that support and enrich, challenge and teach us.

And … ‘thin times’. Those midnight hours seem like ‘thin times’ to me … hours where I can let go of time, hours that become timeless, because the rush of the world is stilled. Hours where the sacred feels wide open to me and I feel wide open to it, hours where the boundaries and barriers fall away, and this world/Ultimate reality blend together. (Not that they don’t anyway, but there are times and places it’s more discernable or we’re more open and prepared to discern it).

So the midnight vigil hours in the chapel are the profoundly holy convergence of a ‘thin time’ with a ‘thin place’!

For my vigil time, I brought along with me my old ‘spiritual journal’ (which has received little attention from my pen for a long time) in case the Spirit brought me words. And as I played the piano, words indeed came … “May we not be afraid to be awake … May I not be afraid to be awake”

I have always loved the times when I sat down to write and the words wrote themselves … coming to my hand not from my mind but from somewhere deeper, from the soul, and coming into my soul from a yet deeper Source.

I share these words here just as they came to me then at 4 a.m., without revision, these words that are truly not mine. And whatever they might mean to you is yours!

May we not be afraid to be awake

                awake to ourselves, our pain, our need

                awake to one another

                awake to our own suffering

                             to others’ suffering

May we not be afraid to be awake

                to see the crosses that are present

                                                                in the world

                            the crosses of suffering

                            the crosses of injustice

May we not be afraid to see

                to see the crosses we bear

                the crosses others bear

                the crosses we have given others to bear

May we not be afraid to take

                to take up our crosses and walk

                to take away our crosses and walk

                to take away the crosses of injustice

                                           the crosses we have given others

                take away these crosses so that others

                                           may walk

                              We may walk together

May we not be afraid to see the suffering

                to be with the suffering

                to be awake to the suffering

                                            to be there

                                            present

                                            awake

                                            seeing

May we not be afraid to feel

                to feel the pain

                                our own pain

                to feel the pain

                                our neighbors often feel

                the pain of their crosses

May we not be afraid to be

                to be there

                to be with ourselves in our own Gethsemane

                to be with others in their Gethsemane

 

May we not be afraid to bear a cross of love

 

May we not be afraid

                to be there

                where there are crosses

May we not be afraid to be love

                where there are crosses

So that only love, only Love

                may be where there have been crosses

It’s so powerfully real to me that we must be willing to be with the pain, our own and others, in order to move through it and heal the suffering.

This thought, I think, has broad applicability, across many personal situations and relationships, across many societal issues.

Do we want healing? Justice? If so, are we invested in what the process means?

Because it does mean being willing to be awake, wide awake, to the pain of others – to say, the grief from relationship loss, the distress of poverty, the pain from accumulated wounds of racial injustices – before we can begin to understand better the suffering others have endured. To not be afraid to be feel the pain and discomfort that the awakening of deeper understanding and compassion can bring. To not be afraid to feel, to see, to be – to be humble, to be love.

To be wide awake to the pain, suffering, brokenness in the world is also to be wide awake to Love, to belovedness. Love is also in the world … but Love needs us to be awake to it so that we can embody it in the world.

May we not be afraid to be awake, to be wide awake in love to Love!

Redefining everything

/ Lanae / 2 Comments Featured

I’ve been feeling like my words have all been coming for me recently, echoing back at me … both reproachfully and hopefully!

All the various deep intentions I challenged myself to practice and to be …

Being mindful, practicing deep listening

Being an includer, practicing radical inclusion

To nurture belongingness for those who have felt a sense of not belonging

Being peace

Being stillness, being a healing presence

Choosing abundance

Living these words has felt painfully hard recently, feeling like I was failing to live my spiritual practices. And yet these words, these intentions have still anchored me …

In mid-October, I gave a reflection at my church home about choosing abundance and gratitude. How I learned to choose abundance, abandon the myth of scarcity, the one that said that there wasn’t enough and I would never be enough or have enough. How I’d spent years in poverty-thinking and I was done with that …

But even though I passionately declared myself done with it, I guess it wasn’t done with me!  I found myself mired, struggling to remember abundance or to have the strength to choose it, day upon day. And I felt like such a fraud … teaching what I was struggling to do/be!

And what I wrote recently about coming to see my life-mission as being peace, being stillness, being a healing presence? Certainly, there’s truth there, regarding that as a calling, but how it was presently showing up in my spirit?? Mmm, not so much maybe! Even when I published the post, I was thinking, my dear girl, this won’t ring right  … because right now, your energy, your spirit doesn’t match these words!

I certainly wasn’t feeling like I was a healing presence, because I definitely didn’t feel still or serene within. I was aching, hurting, grieving, feeling lonely, unsupported, burdened, overwhelmed.

It’s not been an easy year by any stretch … yes, there has been much blessing, but a profound collection of losses, and an accumulation of layers of grief and sorrow.
The specters of depression sprang up … anger, fear, shame, despair, loneliness. Self-pity, resentment. Seeds I didn’t want, didn’t want to water. They made it difficult for me to remember abundance, to choose it … and they’ve caused me to begin redefining what choosing abundance looks like, in different circumstances. How does one draw abundance from dark emotions? It’s a (lonely) labor of love!
And I’ve tried, oh, I’ve tried to remember abundance in this hard, valley season … if it was hard to choose it, at least to remember it! To remember the gift of belovedness.
I’ve tried to nurture my spiritual practices, and let them nurture me. I’ve tried to rest in this posture, difficult as it is (more of my words that came back to me).

In all of that, I think the theme of this year has become redefining! Redefining – and refining.

Redefining myself, redefining my spirituality/spiritual practice, redefining my intentions and expectations. Redefining abundance and what choosing abundance looks like.

Redefining even the act of defining things, learning to let go of my need to define things!

Redefining everything …

There was the divorce … and learning to live life as a single, working mom (while continuing grad school!). And I’ll not sugarcoat it – it’s been hard and deeply overwhelming. Yes, sometimes such a triumphant feeling to realize what I can do and what I can handle, but also – overwhelming!
And yet, so many big decisions to make on my own and so many responsibilities and obligations (like, managing finances alone!), and so much uncertainty, and so much on my plate …  and so little time!
The busyness and fullness of my life – on one hand, satisfying, and yet on the other, feeling like it robbed me of friendship and connection time.
A cold and searing loneliness confronted me.
And the voice of poverty told me that I didn’t have enough support, care, love, affirmation …. but oh, how it told untruths! I do know that, because the voice of abundance brought again to my heart the many beautiful things that dear friends have done for me, big and small:

  •                 the friend who got a family photography session gifted to me
  •                 the friend who organized a clothing drive for my children at the beginning of the school year (and the generous response to that)
  •                 the long phone conversations with one friend
  •                 the friend who sat with me as I cried in shock after losing my job earlier in the year
  •                 the friends who have picked up my son from middle school several times when I was working
  •                 the kind, loving words here and there that have added up to a sweet bouquet

Too, there was also the felt weight of withdrawal in some long-time friendships (from my past church), heavier in my heart as silences made the sense of emotional distancing more tangible. This weight has lightened, though.

Redefining friendships, connection, sisterhood, community … learning what my village looks like. It might not look like what someone else’s looks like, or the ideas that society and social media have given me, but it doesn’t need to! If I open my heart, if I see with different eyes, if I look right next to me, it’s there … you’re there! Friendships, community, sisterhood – they are for me just as they need to be for me for this season. And are enough, if I let them be!

And then there was my first girlfriend experience, and then a break-up. To be clear, it was a special experience, rich in many ways! I’m thankful for what I learned from her and the relationship, but the break-up really rocked me.

Redefining love-relationship needs and desires … learning to be content unpartnered, for now.

Then, I lost one job – but found another, one that has been good for me in so many ways. Loss = gain.

Redefining my professional value and competence. 

Hopes humbled and dreams deferred …  A niche that I had had the idea that I might fill, but became clear didn’t belong to me. Some dreams and passions that I had to say goodbye to, at least in the form I had envisioned them.

It turned out to be a long, hard goodbye, and it’s been hard to find the hellos that follow the goodbyes. Even though I know about letting go gracefully of that which is not meant for me, and that letting go of old possibilities opens up new opportunities, I still felt the deep sting of loss, all the way into my core.

And it shook me, badly, unexpectedly. It stirred up resentments and fears that surprised me with their presence and power. I think it showed the depth of my attachment to those expectations and ideas, too.

(So much for learning to practice non-attachment! This quote comes to mind: The mark of a moderate woman is freedom from her own ideas. Alas, I am not (yet) a moderate woman, then! But it’s a life goal!)

I’d made the mistake of attaching my identity to my idea of what my role, my calling was. I’d tied my sense of belongingness to it. So, I felt unmoored  … another loss, another grief. One I didn’t really receive with grace or gratitude, I tell you!

Redefining calling, role, identity. And – letting go of the need to be defined by them.

So yes, the last while, loneliness and grief have been familiar companions.  So familiar I simply decided to befriend them and make peace with them. (I think that’s how you draw what abundance and healing there is to draw from them, anyway!)

I know that this is the holiday time, the season of joy to the world and peace on earth, and it’s not festive to speak of loneliness and grief and sorrow – but these are also a part of the holiday experience for many, because they’re a part of the human experience.

Redefining the value and reality of grief and loneliness.

Don’t get me wrong, I do know joy still, I know there’s a place of joy deep in the center of my being; I know there’s light within! There’s still stillness …

Redefining ideas and expectations about being stillness, being peace, being a healing presence.

I have learned and am learning still that I need not judge myself for not always knowing equanimity and stillness. There’s no need to define myself by the presence or absence of any emotion or experience. I’m human – part of being human is feeling deep pain, experiencing grief, sorrow, loneliness, dark emotions. As I’ve written before (more words that keep coming back for me!) sorrow is a sacred part of belovedness. So is grief. So is loneliness.

Redefining my whole emotional experience.

Redefining my journey, my story.

Redefining everything …  refining everything. Being refined.

Further and deeper, learning to let some things be undefined … learning to let the journey and the experience be as it is, in this moment, this season!

 

 

Lessons in belonging (or, what my grad school group class taught me)

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Today is the final day of my latest session of classes, and am I ever looking forward to a week off before the next round of classes starts – one whole week homework-free! Every time I make it to the end of a session of classes, it’s such a sweet feeling of triumph and relief, a mingled sense of accomplishment and emancipation … and maybe this time, more so, because of the particular challenges and obstacles that tagged along for the journey this time.

For one, I have a job in which I travel a lot, and while I truly enjoy my work, care deeply for the people with whom I work, and don’t mind driving, extra time on the road means time not available for schoolwork – and means creativity in finding time for schoolwork!

For another, I’ve gotten quite the lesson in the complex dance it is to balance full-time graduate school, work, parenting, teaching yoga/meditation … it’s been, frankly, often exhausting and sometimes overwhelming (but rewarding too!). Somewhere in there, my sleep/rest quotient decreased, which meant that balance sometimes felt wobbly, and the whole school/work/parenting/life dance got a bit out of rhythm (okay, maybe my emotional equilibrium occasionally did too)!

For one other, one of my classes presented a special challenge for me, which is really what this post is about. It was a group class, about group methods and facilitating groups, and as part of it, the class met through Adobe Connect. Actually, it was thoroughly delightful to see my classmates’ faces, hear their voices, and experience who they are, because in online classes, usually your classmates are names without faces, people you only meet through discussion posts!

But anyway, those who know me well know I feel much more comfortable in one on one interactions over group interactions, so I felt sort of apprehensive about this class, because I wasn’t sure what it would like, what would be expected. Plus, I was thinking, 2 1/2 hours every Thursday, whoa, that’s a long time to be in group!

And … I was concerned about how the technology might behave for me. With good reason, as it turned out! I missed the first class due to another obligation, and then technical difficulties disrupted four of the next five classes. I did everything I could to resolve the issues, and still there was a signal bottleneck that meant sound transmissions didn’t come through.  So – I spent most of those four classes as a silent observer, watching my classmates on the screen, unable to hear most of what they said, unable to be heard. Ugh!

I thought I might have to withdraw from the class … but a dear friend came to the rescue and graciously let me borrow her home office for the remaining 6 weeks of class. An act of abundance that not only rescued me but redeemed my whole group class experience!

Sitting in silence was painfully frustrating, because I wanted desperately be a part of what was going on – until I simply surrendered to the situation as it was, and determined to look for whatever good there was to draw out of it.  For one, it was a chance to practice maintaining presence and equanimity – what else was there to do, sitting there in silence! An extended meditation opportunity, really!

The piquant irony of it all though (I’m convinced the universe has a weird sense of humor and brought it to me purposefully!) is that my outsider experience in this case so neatly aligned with the outsider perception I have often experienced or felt – a sense of both belonging and not belonging in some way in many groups (as I discussed in my previous post ).

I’ve often felt outsidered – or, maybe more precisely – have often outsidered myself. Although sometimes I’ve most definitely been outsidered, because I failed in some way to conform to expectations about what I should think, believe, or be … and because I was/am different in some ways. For instance, I’ve experienced being outsidered for being gay in one way or another over the years … and now as a single (divorced) person, I sometimes feel a little outsidered amongst my married friends.

However, I see now that mostly, it became my pattern to outsider myself, to believe that being the outsider, or being the quiet observer, was my role in a group – my role in life, pretty much! The odd one, the odd one out … beloved, but still the odd one out.

And so the gift of this disconcerting group experience was that it forced me to confront that core idea. After all, it was technology, a neutral party, that outsidered me, not the group or myself … so that gave the chance to look deeply into it from a whole new perspective, a liberating perspective!

I learned to let go of my attachment to an outsider role, or more precisely, my attachment to the expectation or perception that I often end up playing an outsider role … well, honestly, I’d have to say I’m still working on that! I still kind of like some parts of choosing the outsider role … but I also like belonging (so maybe there’s a way they fit together, eh?!).

Even though it was hard to feel like I belonged to the class group after my silent time, I learned that they still felt I belonged, if for no other reason than that I had persevered and remained present. I wasn’t an outsider, I wasn’t outsidered! What a wonder that was to me!

What I discovered within this experience is that I can be who I am and while my authenticity might mean that I don’t quite conform, yet I can still belong, and belong more so because of my authenticity.

The experience of outsidering has helped me know the value of the experience of belongingness!

Belongingness means more to me because I understand feeling or being outsidered … and I want, I intend, to share the gift of belongingness with those who feel, or are, outsidered!

(So, yes, this was quite the 12 weeks! I’m just glad I made it safely, sanely, through – and found the good in it all 😀 )

True belonging, true calling

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Throughout this last year, true belonging, or belongingness, became a major theme.

Belongingness in the sense of finding the calling where I belonged – or in the sense of learning how to belong wherever I found myself, or how to belong to and in my calling wherever I found myself.

To learn how to belong wherever I was, in whatever situation I was in.

One of my life struggles has been feeling like I didn’t quite fit in anywhere, that I fit in a little bit in a lot of places, but not completely in any one place. That I belonged nowhere and everywhere, at the same time.

And it felt sometimes lonely. But, I’ve been learning that this feeling, this story need not be one of isolation, but one of liberation!

 “You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” Maya Angelou

That quote is found in Brene’ Brown’s new book, Braving the Wilderness, where she writes of true belonging and what she’s learned about what true belonging is.

As Brene’ states, true belonging is a deep spiritual practice of self-acceptance,  belonging to yourself in such a way that you can be who you are wherever you are – that you are able to present your authentic, imperfect self truly to the world. Even if that means sometimes you are standing alone in the wilderness, as it were, not conforming to the world. Even if it is not the easier path.

So, I’m learning that true belonging is about being … not about doing and not really about fitting in, but about being true and authentic to who I am wherever I am.

And the part of true belonging that’s about my calling? For me, that means understanding that my calling is not as much about doing or about being in a particular place or a certain occupation or job or belonging to any specific group or inner circle … it’s about belonging to my calling and being in my calling wherever I am.

So, when my belonging is rooted deep within, when my belonging is rooted in my being, when my belonging is rooted in being in my calling, then I will always belong … anywhere, everywhere.

Because my belonging is not dependent on place, person, or power. My belonging is in me … and so is yours in you!

And ultimately, my belonging is in Belovedness, in my belovedness …

** Below is ‘part 2’ of this post. I wrote it a while ago and realized it follows along so well with the first part of the post that I decided to put them together. So, a two posts for one kind of deal! Guess that’s what happens when there are no posts for so long! 🙂 **

I’ve always wanted to do big things. That is, I once thought I ‘should’ do big things. That I should be doing things, doing good, making differences,  being productive and accomplished – and yet I’ve struggled to feel like I was ‘doing’ much, or ‘doing’ enough.

All those people accomplishing great things. Realizing their potential. Helping people, changing the world in beautiful, remarkable, visible ways. I wanted to do and be like that, too – making a recognizable, beautiful, profound difference. A difference that felt tangible to me.

Was there pride in that? Of course there was pride in that – hello, ego! I wanted to be one of those people who made things happen, who was in charge of important projects, who was a driving force in deeply meaningful causes. And even if I wasn’t noticed or recognized, I really wanted to feel like I was a part of big things … and by big things, I mean BIG things!

I wanted to have a life’s work, a mission, a calling. I wanted to know what my mission was so I could be fulfilling  it. And I wanted it to be a great mission … one where I got things DONE, where I was DOING things, achieving things, helping people, helping people help themselves …

But now – I see a clearer vision of what my mission may more truly be.

I’ve come to understand that, for me, it is less about the DOING and more about the BEING. Yes, I’m still about the doing of good, and much – big things, small things, and all manner of things – does need doing. But for me, I think I understand that I’m not asked to do anything big or great. Neither am I asked to be great or to be acclaimed for anything …

I’m just being asked to BE. That’s all.

To be still and to BE …

 So, that life’s work? My mission? My calling?

In its purest essence, it is about being stillness, about being peace. About being stillness and being peace wherever I go, with whomever I am with, in whatever my work is.

Bringing and being a presence of peace, a calming, healing presence.

And it seems that maybe, just maybe, this is what I seem to be doing now … yes, that word, ‘doing’! I am doing ‘being’!

I am being stillness, being peace. (Or – at least – this is my purpose, even if not my consistent practice and presence, yet!) And I am learning to be at peace with this as my calling, however unacclaimed. It’s where I belong, where my belonging is.

And if what I do flows out of that, then it will be for good. Whatever I do, it will be done for good, for the greatest good.

And that’s really all I want to do … and isn’t it enough?

And isn’t that really what the world needs?

People being peace … and the doing of good, the doing of big and small things, flowing out of that peace.

Our peace inspires peace.

Being peace inspires peace.

On becoming forty: Surrendered vows, divergent paths, transformed topography

/ Lanae / 2 Comments Featured

Sometime ago, in my wayback files, I found a forgotten collection of poems from my late twenties.

Seventy-seven glimpses into who I was at 29, windows and mirrors in time. Early days of motherhood, word snapshots of my first son as a baby, the changing seasons, world events, prayers, dreams, life lessons, my heart and soul.

And then, this poem. Reading it from the vantage point of 40 now felt so strikingly poignant and invited reflection… since the journey between 29 and 40 unfolded in ways unforeseen and unfathomed by 29-year-old me!

Becoming twenty-nine

And now –
I am twenty-nine
forty seems closer
more real
than it did at twenty
at fifteen
At fifteen –
I imagined twenty-four
but I think I could not
stretch my imagination more
and think of myself
who I would be beyond
Twenty-four came, twenty-four went
every year since
as though journeying into
a realm unimagined
And it seems to me
my true youth has fled
not that I feel old
but here – at this juncture of time
the limitless, or the illusion,
of limitless possibilities
has narrowed to a single road –
not even one I ever dreamed
I would walk down –
(the aisle as bride)
The future lies ahead now
with the simple choice
of living with the choices
that have closed doors
and opened but one –
ah, but let’s see how far the road
beyond it will go
and what waits along the way

Oh, what waited along the way!

That single straight road became a spiraling one with several forks in it, surprising crossroads where divergent paths met … and many new doors opened onto new paths, views, opportunities, possibilities.

Years before, I thought my life had narrowed to a single road and my path was set only to find myself drawn down an unexpected path.

Since I had felt moved to be in ministry work at 15, I had envisioned my life spent in that calling, a lifetime vow. But Spirit taught me to surrender that vision and vow … and at the time, it was painful to surrender what seemed my truest calling.

I had never dreamed I would walk down the aisle as a bride – no, I hadn’t.  Marriage hadn’t seemed a calling meant for me. But, much to my surprise, Spirit led me there, so I believed that’s where I would stay, always.

I never dreamed I would reverse that walk down the aisle; love bid me stay. But Spirit led me there, too; love bid me go.

And the profession vows I made in the fellowship I grew up in, I only thought then but what those would be for life. I dared not think otherwise … “My vows I have made, I cannot now go back.” I never fathomed leaving; love bid me stay. But Spirit led me there, too; love bid me go.

And never did I think I would be free to accept and embrace my sexuality, my identity, fully and openly … there I had made a vow of silence and self-denial, what seemed a necessary sacrifice (though I was sacrificing my wholeness and well-being, a costly sacrifice indeed, because it affected all those in relationship with me, too). Self-denial that requires denying the essence of who you are isn’t healthy self-denial, but soul-warping self-denial.

But Spirit showed me I was beloved and free, and that loving the essence of who I am and living the truth set me free.

My 29-year-old self believed there would always be a familiar and safe topography along the road ahead: same vows, same faith, same church, same community, same friends, same marriage.

And the same inner landscape with its long angst-y dark night of the soul that I believed would always be a constant in my spiritual and emotional topography, no matter what unfolded on the path.

But then the spiraling road brought me the gift of belovedness.

And living in this belovedness and liberty transformed my inner landscape, then the entire topography of my life, opening up paths, perspectives, possibilities divergent from the familiarity of the known and expected road.

I embarked on a coming-out path and surrendered that vow of deep silence regarding my sexuality. For the good of my soul I vowed to walk and live in wholeness and truthfulness; Spirit opened that vision and vow to me.

For a while, I thought the outward familiarity of the well-travelled road might mostly continue as it was … that I could walk that old path and keep other vows in a new way, as a whole person.

Yes, I expected significant changes. Yet somehow I didn’t see some of them unfolding how or as soon as they’ve unfolded … I didn’t wish for the whole path and all its familiar safe topography to change so much so soon.

But as I continued to make choices aligned with the truth of my sexuality and my spirituality, those divergent paths, those crossroads, kept meeting me at every turn. And at every turn, Spirit, yes, Spirit, kept directing me down the less familiar path, into places and paths of surrender.

My spiritual topography kept evolving; my path kept diverging.

I laid aside belief in any ‘one true way’ teachings and yet found the Way that transcends all religious traditions, creeds, and doctrines, and is the essence of true religion: Love, the universal thread of truth and life.

I parted with dear friends, friends I loved. Left a church community I loved. Spirit bid me leave, but love remains.

Ended a marriage that even in its trying times was precious to me …. worth all of the 13+ years. No regrets, no bitterness. All is gift. Spirit bid me leave, but love remains.

Some might question how it’s of love to surrender a marriage vow; a good question.

But what if the vows come to cause the hurt of your own soul … and surrendering them for the good of your soul?  What if keeping the vows causes the hurt of others, of their souls … and surrendering them for the highest good, for all?

Then surrendering them is love. Surrendering such vows, if it must be done, is best done in Love, because of love.

I surrendered none of these vows without intense contemplation to know its rightness or without profound grief for the accompanying losses.  Because of love.

Not only for my own losses, but also for the losses some near to me felt keenly. For just as my earlier lack of wholeness affected my relationships, following a path of wholeness affected my relationships. To some, I seemed no longer to be someone they recognized or knew; the changes I experienced as good for my soul, they didn’t.

And so I know there was loss and grief for others because of the divergent paths I followed, and I knew (I know) the pang of it in my own heart. Because of love.

So now, my path and my life landscape, inside and out, looks so different than my 29-year-old self could have fathomed, indeed!

For all I’ve lost, I’ve found much, much has found me. I’ve found my wholeness, my mind and soul, spiritual abundance, liberty, Belovedness! New spiritual communities, connections, capabilities. Rich relationships, deeper perspectives, purpose. And realized: I never left ministry, it only returned to me in a new form!

I see more clearly now: there have always been divergent paths. There has always been surrender on the journey. Love in each choice. Surrender and love always interwoven.

Such a divergent path it has been and become and will be, always! And Belovedness now the constant in the entire topography of my life and my journey, always.

So, here’s a new ending, on becoming forty, and beyond:

The future lies ahead now – no,
is Now
with the simple choice
of living with the choices
that have closed doors
but also opened many –
A single path, yes,
but with boundless possibility
limit itself the illusion
and abundance the truth
Ah, now let’s see how far and where the road
beyond it will go
and what is present in the way
Now

Choosing abundance

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I was sitting on the porch one recent afternoon, just noticing and drinking in the abundance of beautiful things: the bright blue sky, deep green grass, and vivid pink peonies.

And a thought came to me – I know! I’m going to create a little notebook where I write down things that remind me of the abundance of my life, of creation, the abundance of beauty and joy in everyday things, the abundance of provision for all I truly need …

I know sometimes people have gratitude journals, but I thought, I’m going to call mine an Abundance Journal!

Why abundance?

Abundance has been one of my key words this year. Even in the midst of tremendous personal losses and heartbreaks, I have kept believing in abundance. I have acknowledged the losses, and the costliness of them, the pain in them, but have also chosen to view and live them through the lens of abundance. In viewing and living those losses and heartaches through abundance, I was seeking whatever gain and good was present in them – or at least, whatever benefit and blessing I could draw from them or create from them.

I know sometimes the benefit and blessing takes time to see, to become clear. And I know some experiences or events in themselves cannot be called ‘good’ and some experiences seem to take away more than they give. Yet even in profound loss and suffering is present the possibility of abundance  … speaking the truth of my experience.

At the very least, viewing and living hard experiences – sorrows and heartaches, misfortune and sufferings – through abundance offers the comfort, courage, inner peace, and strength to wait, to continue, to persevere. Viewing and living them through abundance creates clarity, insight, joy, grace, wisdom, liberty.

Living through abundance welcomes in wholeness where there has been brokenness, and keeps open and clear your connection to your own wholeness of being – that wholeness that is yours, at your center.

Living through abundance gives you the heart and eyes to see that you have enough, you are enough … no matter what you do not have or what you are not, what you have and who are you can be enough.

Living through abundance invites abundance. Really, it invites you to see the abundance that already is … that already is present in each moment, present deep within you.

Abundance is here. Abundance is in you; your abundance is in you.  The abundance of creation is everywhere, in the world, in others, in you.

Abundance is a way of being,  a way of living. A way of being in the world, a way of being goodness and grace and generosity in the world. A way of being in yourself that opens you to goodness and grace, to your own goodness and grace.  A way of being with others that is open to seeing the goodness and grace in them, that invites abundance into the space between you.

A way of being  lovingly and unsparingly generous with yourself and with others. Generous with your attention and deep presence. Generous with your words, your heart, and your spirit.

Generous with compassion, kindness, service. Generous with gentleness and humbleness. Generous in sharing joys and sorrows both.

As I’ve learned, I can either come from a place of poverty or a place of abundance. I have spent enough of my life coming from a place of poverty, in the way I saw myself and others, the way I perceived and experienced things, in the perspectives and worldviews I had. I’ve had enough of that way of thinking, living, and being! It brought painful famine into my soul … a sad thing when so much abundance was already present.

So, I choose abundance! I choose to come from and live and be in a place of abundance.

And so these are reminder questions I have for myself, especially when I notice I’m moving into a place of poverty in the thoughts  I’m allowing or feelings I’m feeding:

What is present in this moment that is of abundance?

What is present right now that is beautiful, and is enough?

How can I simply be present now to see what is of abundance in this moment?

What can I place my awareness on that will encourage and deepen abundance in my heart, mind, and soul?

Choosing abundance is really choosing gratitude. Abundance is cultivated through gratitude, and gratitude is cultivated through mindful awareness of all the abundance that is present now.

And so, yes, my abundance journal is really a gratitude journal by another name!

Yet, I am going to call it an Abundance Journal because gratitude is both a reminder and a creator of abundance.

***************

Here’s an excerpt from my Abundance Journal, from just a couple hours of one afternoon:

A hug from one of my children

Kind words from a friend

Smiling at people and receiving smiles in return

An unexpected offer of help

The spacious blue sky

The brilliant gold sunlight

The soft warm breeze, air fresh and sparkling clear from recent rains

Lush green grass and the peonies budding out, in bright shades of pink

Supple strong young trees in my yard and the mature trees in other yards, soaring into the sky, all cloaked in various shades of green robes

The petunia in the flowerpot that was a Mother’s Day gift from a little daughter

The fact that I am sitting here in the sunshine in this body and that I can feel myself sitting here, connecting with nature

I am breathing

My mind is clear and my heart at ease, right here and right now … abundance of peace and stillness

How rich I see that I am!

Adventures in letting go, following the flow

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Today I followed the Spirit and went for a drive, to nowhere in particular for no reason other than to go for a drive. I had not planned on going for a drive, but I left the church and thought, I think I’d like to go to the park and sit by the water for a little while. So I went there and watched the sunlight dance on the water, little sparkles of sun flitting across the water as the wind rippled both water and light …

And then I decided I might sit somewhere else so the sun would be at my back, but when I stood up, I realized, Oh, I’m done here. Whatever I needed there, I had found – or it had found me – and so it was time to move on. But to where? Home? I didn’t know … yet.

But when I got in the van, it came to me – I know, I’ll go for a drive! And it was just me, and nowhere else I needed to be, and nowhere I was needed to be, so why not? (And how many moments like this are there for a mom of four with a full life … so if the opportunity opens up, follow it! 🙂 )

So I headed south out of town and down a county road, and just let the miles roll under my wheels. My window open and the soft, spring-smelling wind rushing in and ruffling my hair. The sunlight making the corn stubble gleam gold. The valleys and the turns in the road. Another world, it seemed to be. The sun and the wind and me.

It felt like one of those journeys you don’t know you need to be on until you are on it … and sometimes miss because you resist the whisper-nudge in your mind and soul that says, let go and just follow the flow of life, and see where you might go, just today, just for now. Let go and see where you go!

Sometimes, it is okay to go where you know not, to go without knowing yet where you are going, to let plans go and just go, to follow wherever your heart, your soul, follows the Spirit. A free-spirited following of the Spirit, a free flow …

Aimless? Reckless? My little adventure might seem a bit of both, but really, it was neither … it was an intuitive letting go, and it ended up filled with purpose and purifying peace.

It was like a driving meditation, instead of a sitting meditation or a walking meditation!

Because I found a rich stillness, a worshipfulness, and an exuberant liberty I could not have found, and the Spirit spoke to me in ways I could not have felt or heard if I had stayed where I thought I ‘ought’ to stay.

If I had resisted the simple impulse that said to me, Go, let go, just go? Then I would have missed the gift of the simple, pure freedom of just being, and just being with the Spirit as it was being with me … I would have missed what my heart, mind, and soul needed, today. I would have missed the lessons and the answers waiting for me on that journey …

To summarize them simply:

If it is a question of letting go, the answer is … let go!

Surrender to the flow of spirit in your life … wherever it may lead, follow with trust. It’s okay to let go of the need for certainty and control, to accept not knowing fully, and to follow without knowing. Find the comfort that there can be in uncertainty and impermanence.

If it is a question of loving, the answer is … Love!

Love hard, love deep, love whole-heartedly in a whole-souled way, love fiercely and fully … and if heartbreak or soul-ache comes from it, do not fear to grieve the same way. Be willing to grieve as deeply and fiercely as you’ve loved. Better the grief that might come from loving and losing, than the grief that comes from not letting go of fear and just loving …

If it is a question of being, the answer is …. BE!

Be free, be truthful, be love, be grace, be courage, be compassion, be peace! Do not so much act or advocate for change, as BE change. From the right being, the right doing will follow, the right change will follow.

 

 

 

Beginnings and continuings

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

So, dear friends, it’s been a while since my last post … and now it’s a year since this blog was born, and the anniversary of my very first post!

And as the milestone approached, I’ve done some reflecting, on the past, present, and future of the blog.

When I started this blog, it was with the simple intent to speak truth in love, to echo belovedness, to encourage mindfulness.

I believe, I hope, that I have fulfilled those purposes, yes, and so if I measure the success of the blog by just that simple gauge, then it’s been successful enough.

I don’t think I had any specific visions of having a popular blog, but I did want to reach people and touch lives, hearts, minds, souls … I wanted to reach a significant number of people and have a deep impact! I desired to sow many seeds, seeds of loving-kindness, seeds of compassion, seeds of mindfulness. I wanted to inspire broadened perspectives, to encourage equanimity and grace …

To open up deeper connections and engage in thoughtful conversations …

To look at matters of the heart and soul, of truth and justice, of relationships with ourselves and others, in the light of Belovedness …

Sometimes, I wondered … is any of this happening; if it is happening, is it happening very much? I couldn’t see if much was happening … and I wanted to see and know! It rather seems to be my nature, that I want to see and know, and accepting that sometimes I am simply not going to be able to see and know is hard.

And I had to ask myself the questions: was I writing for the views, or writing to share my views for whatever good they might mean, whether that was to 10, 50, or 100? Was I writing to feed my ego or pride, or writing to feed the souls of whomever read the words, whether that was 10, 50, or 100?

Was I writing from the soul and from the heart? Was my heart and soul fed by simply writing and sharing and loving and being?

I think, as this new year begins, and a new year of blogging begins, that I have learned to let it be. Something has shifted and relaxed, become more fluid and free, in my blogging perspective, in my life perspective.

The success of this blog still matters to me … I just define that success differently, if indeed I even bother to define it! I’m being more intentional about not creating some clear-cut definition, but letting the definition be fluid and flow as it will. And letting truth and Belovedness flow as they will, letting whatever words come flow as they will. And doing more trusting and less controlling …

So perhaps this blog will have a fresher, freer feel and flow to it!

Related to that new feel and flow …

I am teaching a mindfulness/meditation class each week at a local yoga studio, which has been a beautiful new challenge and learning experience for me.

(The class is called ‘Awakening Stillness’ … which harmonizes beautifully with ‘Echoing Belovedness,’ don’t you think?!)

One thing I’ve learned in planning for this class is to distill my thoughts and words. I like to have a theme, such as surrender or being present or creating space, form the structure of the movements and the meditation in each class.

And a meditation class is not a lecture class! Only a few clear, concise words are needed to speak of following the breath, letting attention be anchored in the breath, being aware of breath in the body. Only a few clear, concise phrases are needed to invite people to consider the theme, the seed-thought.

Simplicity and clarity in my words, my instruction allows space for the seed-thought to be whatever it needs to be, or not be, for each person in the class.

Simplicity makes the teaching clearer and the message stronger. It takes much stillness to find such simplicity and clarity. A stillness I am still, and always, seeking!

But perhaps I can learn to distill my thoughts and words, desires and expectations, for this blog in the same manner as I have learned to do for my class …to be still and let the distilling happen!

Awaken stillness to more clearly echo belovedness!

Mending brokenness with gold

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

A few days ago, I heard again a story I have heard before about a Japanese method of repairing a broken object, like a teacup or a vase, with gold, and of the philosophy that goes with that process. The belief is that the visible brokenness and mendedness makes the repaired object even more beautiful than it was when it was an unbroken whole … more beautiful AND more beloved.

So, my curiosity helped me discover that this repair process is called ‘kintsugi,’ which as I understand means literally ‘gold joinery,’ or ‘to join with gold.’ And that this joining with gold process and philosophy is also a part of the Zen ideals of ‘wabi sabi,’ which teaches about seeing the beauty of aged, weathered, or worn things.

About cherishing the beauty of unpretentious imperfection, honoring the beauty of simplicity, of authenticity, of vulnerability. About respecting the deep, rich beauty of things that have been broken and mended.

But also about respecting and honoring the rich beauty of people who have been wounded and aren’t afraid to let their scars, their brokenness and their mendedness, to be visible …

Of people who understood that their brokenness was worth being mended with gold, that they were worth being mended and made a new whole …

What beautiful philosophies! Or maybe I should say ‘practices’ … because these words and ideals aren’t meant to be elegant objects to set on the shelf of your mind or heart, to look at and admire. They’re meant to be a way of living more richly and soulfully … seeing beauty and light in the ordinary, the cracked and broken, the imperfection, and seeing them all with belovedness.

Teaching that broken things can be mended and still have purpose, usefulness, beauty, a beauty that maybe new things don’t and can’t yet possess … In this way, also teaching the hope of restoration and reconciliation.

I realized that this method of kintsugi, this way of repairing and joining with gold, doesn’t just apply to broken objects … but to our own broken hearts. And what about to broken or cracked relationships, friendships? Can those cracks or breaks be filled, joined with the gold of forgiveness, of reconciliation, whatever reconciliation may mean in that circumstance?

Cracks happen, relational fractures happen, relational rifts arise. Words cause wounds, trust cracks, a sense of spiritual or emotional distance opens up, disconnect, misunderstandings, miscommunication, unequal feelings. Conflicts and crises might shake a relationship … maybe sometimes shatter it, or cause the individuals in it to feel a shattering. Or perhaps just a subtle but profound shifting of the relational foundation …

And so what felt like a strong, deep-rooted relationship or friendship seems to become like a beautiful vase that fell and shattered … what do you do with the broken pieces of the vase? Do you sweep the pieces into the trash, and consider the worth of the vase irretrievably ruined? The question is, how precious was the vase … precious enough to gather up the pieces and fit them back together, even if they will not be in the same flawless form? Precious enough to find the most beautiful way to fit them back together, even if it is a painstaking – or painful – process?

Can a cracked, wounded, broken relationship or friendship be made whole, restored or repaired as if the cracked, breached, or broken places had never been? Maybe, maybe not … but whether it can or not, the effort of reconciliation, the desire of restoration or repair, is precious beyond price!

And so, the deeper question that came to me is: What if we sought to repair and restore our relationships, our friendships, in the kintsugi way? To mend, to join with gold, the broken places, the broken trust, the broken communication, the broken connections. To mend brokenness with belovedness.

How is that done … with mindful listening and open-hearted conversation. With open-souled vulnerability and deep humility. Sometimes, with tears, with repentance, with apologies … and sometimes, with stillness, silence, space.

Maybe it seems counterintuitive, that giving space would be the thing that healed brokenness or disconnect, but sometimes, it’s the loving act of giving space, letting go, that becomes the gold that joins relationships together again. It’s what my soul believes, anyway!

I think that perhaps a truly sacred relationship or friendship is one that has seen and been weathered by storms, one that has endured brokenness but has been mended with gold. Because it was precious enough to be mended and mended with the best …

And it is more beautiful, more cherished, more honored because it has been broken and because of all the gold with which it is mended and joined together …

*************************

Questions to consider: politically, socially, globally, what if we sought to repair broken relationships in a kintsugi way, a way of belovedness? And – what if we sought to repair and restore our broken relationship with the earth, with nature, in a kintsugi way? What might that look like?

Sacred time, sacred friendships

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Recently, I read a book called Sacred Time, and the search for Meaning, about time, our seeking and longing for sacred time. Sacred time as time that’s different than clock time … time measured in the depth of timeless meaning contained within it, time that is not-time, time that is like the Eternal Now. Or, as it’s sometimes called, Kairos, God’s time … Sacred Time.

The more rushed we are, the more we seek this time, we seek ways to carve out this time in the midst of all the rush and stress and busyness and expectations of modern life.  Sacred time, Sabbath time … timeless time.

Technology and social media were perhaps supposed to grant us this time, this liberty of time, and yet seem to have instead robbed us … robbed us of sacred time, robbed us of connection, connection to rest, to stillness, to one another …

Leaving us with a longing and craving for this sacred time.

And I realized, I long for it, too, and something more – and maybe I’m not the only one!

I desire deeply to have sacred time IN my friendships.

Sacred friendship time – time that’s timeless, time not measured by the clock, not scheduled, but spacious, with the liberty to be. Friendship time where time is forgotten, where it’s not the master (or mistress), where watches and planners and phones are set aside, and we just ARE … We just are there, we just are who we are, hearts and souls in sacred time together, in sacred conversation and connection.

I know our modern world doesn’t exactly allow this … but what if it did? What if we together remade it to allow this?

What if we defied the rush and press of clock time and created such sacred spaces in our own lives?! What boundless abundance might we discover?

I think there’s as much a seeking and a longing for sacred friendships as there is for sacred time. Only, I suspect many aren’t deeply or keenly aware of a need, or of a lack, and perhaps seek either to ignore it or to fill it in other ways, with work or other activities, things that are needful, valuable, beautiful in themselves …

Yet, are those things as fruitful as they could be if they fill available time at the expense of nurturing sacred friendships, soul connections? Are they as fruitful for the individual soul or the soul of the community, the world?

Is life itself as rich and fruitful and meaningful without the presence of sacred friendships, soul connections, soul friends?

I don’t think so. Not for me, anyway!

Maybe it’s harder to nurture those sacred friendships, to find those soul friends, when sacred time itself is so hard to find … but maybe the secret for finding both is to become still, to become very present in your life, and allow yourself to be found by them!

So, what is a sacred friendship? A soul friend? What do those concepts, truths, mean to you?

Here’s how I know sacred friendship:

It invites and cultivates a strong spiritual connection. It’s a spiritually intimate friendship, where deeper things can be shared: ideas, emotions, fears, needs, wounds – not just at mind-depth, not just at heart-depth, but also at soul-depth.

A friendship where deep vulnerability and transparency are present …  where each of you is safe to be deeply vulnerable and transparent with one another. Where there’s safety because each of you loves the soul, and the heart, of the other …

A friendship where not just the social and emotional needs are met, but also the soul needs.

You are friends with each other’s souls …

In the Celtic tradition, Anam Cara is the term for soul friend … some lovely, powerful things have been said about what Anam Cara means:

A soul friend is one who walks with and supports the soul of another human being.

Or, as John O’Donohue writes:

The Anam Cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging.  [It] cuts across all convention and category.

And:

In everyone’s life, there is great need for an Anam cara, a soul friend. In this love, you are understood as you are without mask or pretension. The superficial and functional lies and half-truths of acquaintance fall away. You can be as you truly are …

Such a rich, restorative sacredness in that sort of relationship! Such a safeness, a spacious safeness, perhaps not for the ego, but certainly for the soul.

I think there’s a longing for such meaningful friendships within many of us … yet also perhaps a fear.

Because it means vulnerability and authenticity, a realness and an honesty … an intimacy that perhaps seems too deep, or too intense.

Yet, it’s not an intimacy that needs to feel frightening … or be consuming. It can be, should be, an intimacy that’s comforting, spacious, expansive, generous …  an expansive closeness, full of grace and space. As the poet Khalil Gibran said – Let there be spaces in your togetherness …

Spaces of stillness or physical apartness…

But perhaps the first soul friend you need to seek and find is yourself, to befriend your own soul. Because you are never truly apart from yourself … wherever you go, there you are!

Learn how to be with yourself in stillness. And in the stillness, awaken to know and love your own soul …

And then, you are awakened to the sacredness in your relationships … and your soul friends find you! And you can love yourself, and your neighbor as yourself.

Oh, I am so grateful for soul friends I’ve had in my life … who have held a mirror up to me, so I could see my soul reflected there.

Who have loved me as I am, and have encouraged me to live in truth and love …

Who have explored deep places with me, and have taught me precious, wise things …

Who have seen my darkness and walked with me in it, and have been the flame that kept my candle lit …

Who have not been afraid to speak the truth, even hard things, in love, and yet have known when to keep silence in love …

Who have known how to hold space and when to give space.

My soul gives thanks for you!

********************************************************

Oh my friends, may you all be blessed and bless yourselves with sacred time, sacred friendships … your souls and lives nurtured and nourished through spacious and gracious relationship!

 

 

 

Election reflections: thoughts on change, stillness, and the pressure of light

/ Lanae / 7 Comments Featured

Initially, I felt purposed not to publish my deeper reactions to the election outcome.

I wanted simply, only, to point people to the light, to grace … to implore people to remember kindness and compassion toward others, toward both those elated over election results and those disheartened by them, those rejoicing and those grieving.

But something shifted me toward sharing more, come of it what may.

I’ve never felt this sort of visceral reaction to any previous election, so I find it telling:

Election night, a nameless, depthless dismay welled up inside. I glimpsed a sense of powerful forces and movements of spirit afoot, which were (are) far too big and deep for me to even put words to …

The following day, a fire burned in my chest, throat, forehead. No matter how my mind said to me, look, the sun still came up; the world is still beautiful; don’t make catastrophic assumptions … the fire burned.

And all day long, I practiced deep, cooling breaths, trying to quell the heat and flame. In the midst of this, though, I tried to listen to what my body seemed to understand about the gravity of the situation.

A wise friend, whose profound perspectives I respect deeply, shared a lovely thought with me that has helped me process things.

She spoke of the pressure of light, of how she believes there’s actually more light in the world now, but paradoxically, it’s that very light to which people are reacting in such intense ways. Some people are being provoked to love, others to anger, to fear. The light is provoking transparency, causing hidden things, some of which are painful, to rise to consciousness …

I think she’s right, that there IS more light. Oh, I think there’s always been light, but it’s breaking forth more brilliantly, fiercely! Yes, I know it’s so hard to believe, with all of the fear, anger, and anguish present, with the apparent resurgence of dark, nasty roots of bigotry and basest prejudices of all kinds, with the shadows of hatefulness and evil that seem to loom.

Yet, I suspect perhaps these things are happening because of the work of the light, because the light is driving them into the open, where they should be!

The pressure of the light is breaking through into places of darkness and making the seeds and roots that hid there visible … biases, wounds, ancient, unhealed traumas of oppression, violence, and injustice that we all bear stains or scars of, harmful beliefs that collectively or individually burden us. Deeply embedded patterns of perception, communication, and relationship that desperately need transformation …

And the pressure of the light is painful, isn’t it … to see, to feel what it reveals hurts.

But what we can see and know, we can heal! And therein is the hope … but also the urgency. The urgent need of holding on to the light, being the good, watering seeds of peace, seeking stillness in the chaotic swirls of societal and personal emotion …

Yes, stillness is needed, now. You and I, we need stillness, to be able to sit with all the powerful emotions swirling up, to hold space for them. To sit with anger and fear and learn to bring the fruit of loving change and genuine justice from it.

You and I, we need stillness, so that we can then rise up and be the good, be the love, be the light, that is needed now.

Out of the stillness is born the deepest living and the purest action.

Out of the stillness, the brightest light shines.

And in the stillness, we can bear the pressure of the light, and respond with love and grace, to even the hardest and most painful, devastating things.

I’m not naïve to the presence and power of evil, but I believe whole-heartedly, whole-soulfully, that goodness is strong, is strengthening, is the strongest force in the world. Everywhere, I see a surging of fierce grace, fierce pleadings for grace and light. People expressing powerful intentions to bring the pressure of light to bear against hate and injustice … and powerful intentions to be willing for the pressure of light within, to let it reveal, heal, and transform.

I am willing for the pressure of the light. Willing to let it provoke unbounding, unconditional love in me. What about you? What will the pressure of light provoke in you?

May it provoke belovedness.

***************************************

One other reflection: We are in the midst of a massive societal transformation, a change in consciousness, and it won’t be stopped. Regardless of who won the election, it was/is happening, anyway. Some experience this as beautiful and good, but others as painful and terrible.

Rather like an intense grief reaction, because there’s loss involved, the loss of the familiar/status quo … but for some, a way of life is dying. It’s hard to see the goodness in that dying, and they’re grieving. And anger is a part of grief. Fear, resistance, a part of it. It’s important to try to understand that, to allow compassion toward it, whether we see it in others or in ourselves.

I’ve read so many reactions and reflections the last few days, people pouring their hearts out, lifting their voices. Pain from all sides, pleas to be heard. It awakens a question: as we’re seeking to be heard, are we also listening? Are we in a space to listen; can we find it?

Listening with belovedness, to the hurts and the hearts of those who voted differently than we, as well as to those who share similar views? Listening inclusively?

Listening leads to understanding; understanding to compassion. Then, to loving, to healing.

If we’re wondering how we got to this point in our world, perhaps one reason is because we have been raising our own voices to speak our truths, yet not listening to others’ truths, not listening for or hearing the hurts and the hearts of those with whose choices or voices or truths we disagree …

Make no mistake, hatefulness and injustice MUST be spoken against, lived against, and love must be lived into, even if it costs us the dearest friendships or asks us to let go of privileges we’re attached to. Yet let’s not be so quick to assume hate is the truth of a heart and soul without first listening deeply to hurts there!

What a beautiful thing if this pressure of light would also provoke us all to listen more to one another … if it would provoke the awakening of stillness so that we could listen in belovedness.

sorrowfulness, a sacred part of belovedness

/ Lanae / 2 Comments Featured

Yes, this little space has been echoing silence  …

As it’s said, there’s a time to be silent and a time to speak.

When it was a time to speak, I spoke boldly and passionately about what was deep in my heart and soul, about mindfulness and justice, about owning the truth and living the truth.  About Belovedness, as not just ‘my truth,’ but a deep Truth, a Truth for all!

But then it was a time for silence … and as I’ve learned, knowing when to hold space for silence is an important – perhaps the most important – part of finding your voice and knowing how to use it well, with love and truth.

It’s a time of sorrowfulness, of grief, both personally and communally, and silence, stillness, seemed the most necessary for the healing and health of my heart and soul …

So I embarked on what has felt like a lonely journey, practicing silence, speaking, writing less. It has felt like being in exile, a chosen exile and a redeeming one, but still …

I thought, why should I write/share these days, anyway? When sorrowfulness is so strong in me … I cannot write of belovedness in the same way, and if I write of sorrowfulness and grief, doesn’t that seem contrary to belovedness, to the message of belovedness? When I write of saying “YES!” to belovedness, but then I write of knowing sorrowfulness and feeling intense grief, being in deep mourning, doesn’t that sound like a “NO!”?

Does it seem joy-making, gratitude-inspiring, hope-spreading? Which truly is what I want to do and be!

But here is a truth I cannot deny about myself:

I am one well acquainted with sorrow, with grief. One who knows suffering. Who knows the suffering of others, feels it in her bones, in the inward marrow, in the heart-center. Yes,  I have an apprenticeship with sorrow … yet I also now have an apprenticeship with belovedness.

Oh yes, wild sorrow and wild belovedness, I know these both.  I know the darkness of sorrow, but also its light; the light of Belovedness, but also its darkness. I know this wildness, and if there is any edge on which I live, it is this edge.

It is not quite a safe wildness, no, but yet – I am secure, because I am anchored, I am grounded in belovedness. My soul is safe, my ego is not, and this is as it should be.

The wildness of being fully alive … fully, deeply, intensely, powerfully alive in, with, and through sorrowfulness and Belovedness both!

And another truth:

The other part of Belovedness, is this sorrowfulness, this grief-fullness – the yin/yang, the both/and.

Sorrowfulness IS another part of belovedness! Grief and mourning ARE a part of belovedness.

They are a part of a full, deep, rich “Yes!” to belovedness.

What is belovedness without sorrowfulness? What is belovedness without honoring and holding sorrowfulness? Sorrowfulness is a part of the wholeness of belovedness, part of its wholeness and richness of meaning.

Belovedness contains joy and sorrow. Goodness and suffering. Grace and grief. Peace and pain. Hope and  despair.  Abundance and loss. Groundedness and uncertainty. Wholeness and brokenness.

Having awareness of them all within us, within each other, is important, vitally important. Knowing how to give space to and to hold space for them is fundamental to knowing our own both/andness, our completeness, our aliveness as human beings.

It’s not about embracing either belovedness or sorrowfulness … it’s about embracing both and being taught by both.

Belovedness teaches compassion, empathy … it can crack your heart wide open, to feel and know the sorrow and the suffering in the world, to make it a real rather than an abstract understanding … and move you to loving action.

Sorrowfulness, grief, loss, exile. Belovedness gives the grace and strength to face them. They must be allowed, respected, honored, given space … if there is to be a full healing of the body and soul, heart and mind.

So much soul-sickness and suffering comes when grief and sorrow are not given space to be, to be known, to be tended. Not only to individuals, but also to communities and nations.

Here is our country, our society, its psyche deeply, gravely wounded, reeling from profound losses and traumas,  facing and fearing change …  fear seems to be a common ground we share, wherever we stand.

Underlying it all, I sense the vastness of an unheeded sorrow, an untended grief, feeding the fear, the anger, the despair; giving root to the seeds of violence and suffering.

I see a society that doesn’t know how to grieve, give space for sorrow.  That doesn’t have a healthy relationship with pain, grief, or sorrow – and thus perhaps not a healthy relationship with grace, goodness, or belovedness either, then.

What is happening in our society (in our world?) is a breaking wide open … there is so much pain pouring out. It overwhelms me with sorrow and grief, a sense of deep spiritual loss, death, darkness.

And yet, in this breaking open, belovedness teaches me to see hope – that with all the pain and sorrow rising so visibly to the surface, perhaps we will learn, together, how to give space to sorrow and pain. Perhaps we can learn together the gift and the grace of grief …

I know that Belovedness is teaching me how to have a healthy relationship with sorrow, to bind grief with grace, to give space to mourning   … the gift of great losses and heart-rending choices and experiences is that I am being given the opportunity and the space to learn how to grieve, how to see and know the grace in grief.

A gift that perhaps I can learn how to share, even to fashion into part of my life’s work  … the blessedness in sorrowfulness and the sacred work of grief, and their beautiful oneness with Belovedness.

************************************************************

What if we allowed ourselves to be better acquainted with grief, with sorrow, to not fear or shame them, but to welcome them? To work with and through them, to find meaning and hope in them? Would restoration and renewal come? Would we become whole, in ourselves, as a nation, as a world?

 

 

Saying ‘Yes!’ to belovedness

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Over the last few years, I’ve tried to keep a spiritual journal of sorts. Not a diary for recounting daily events, but for working out spiritual musings and philosophical ponderings, or making feeble attempts at poetry sometimes, too!

Now and then, it’s an adventure to go back and read ‘old’ words … to re-learn or reclaim forgotten insights, lessons, or experiences. Or to feel like I am indeed on a spiral staircase, circling around the same themes in my life and mind and soul …

So it happened again … As I opened up my journal to write, thinking “Oh, I need to return to belovedness, find a clear ‘Yes’ to it again, not water seeds of bitterness,” the page fell open to an entry from November 20 (2015) that was like a return to a familiar landing on the spiral staircase! Like, haven’t I been on this step before, looked out this tower window??

The external scenery of my journey is different, yet there was a sense of returning to a familiar inner landscape! The realization, “I’ve been here before; but what more is there I need to learn this time?”

And so chimed another mindfulness bell … or the same mindfulness bell, again …

In words I’m sharing below just as they flowed out then …

The last few days have been intense – just rather a deep swelling psychic sense of a ‘NO’ arising in this land, crying:

No! No, we will not take in refugees; No, we do not want Muslims here; No, we do not want Syrians (etc., etc., etc.) here;

No, we do not think the world will ever be anything other than broken and no, we do not think love or goodness is the true nature of humanity … evil and violence is and will always be;

No, we do not think love will win; no, belovedness is not greater than fear!

It has made my ‘YES’ feel so lost in the resounding cacophony of that ‘NO’ … and has broken my heart.

But I find now, again, that the strength and quiet, peaceful power of a conviction of Ultimate truth of belovedness has returned to my ‘YES’. I will keep saying ‘YES,’ I will keep saying all are beloved, I will keep saying ‘Belovedness is …

To clarify, the reference points for those words are the Paris attacks, the rising anguish and awareness around ISIS/the Syrian refugee situation, and the powerful, visceral emotional reactions in the U.S. and globally to these and other  crises. (And please hold in mind that this isn’t meant as political commentary – it’s a soul-cry – it’s spiritual (social/spiritual) commentary, if anything! I’m not a political activist, I’m more a social justice advocate with a spiritual approach, a spiritual advocate or perhaps a mindfulness messenger.)

Though those events are past, they still seem to be present, somehow – unresolved, unreconciled, unhealed. And the words above remain relevant because our shared societal spiral staircase always seems to be taking us to these points of political, social, and spiritual crises … where both the NO! and the YES! voices are resounding, on scores of personal, social, political, racial issues.

Awareness and change are happening rapidly, things are shifting, evolving. In the midst of it, there is fear, there is hope, sometimes a fearful hopelessness, sometimes a fearful hopefulness …

And the words are relevant to my own personal journey, my own inner ‘climbing of the spiral staircase’ … for me personally, change is happening rapidly also, things are shifting, evolving on many levels in my life, from deep internal places to external circumstances. And just as before, my ‘Yes’ to belovedness has started feeling lost, blurred, frayed … and my ‘No’ to anger, impatience, bitterness, and negativity has been waning.

I needed (continually need) a mindfulness bell to remind me I am beloved, to remind me of my ‘Yes’ to belovedness, to knit any unraveling edges back into the fabric of belovedness. To remind me to accept change and to embrace and heal my pain and difficult emotions with the ‘Yes’ of belovedness. To find strength and grace in focusing on that ‘Yes.’

I think so do we all, so does our beloved country, so does the world often need a mindfulness bell, in whatever form it takes … to remind us we are all beloved, we all belong in belovedness. To teach us to declare and to live a communal ‘Yes’ to love, compassion, hope,  justice … to say ‘Yes’ to loving ourselves and one another and ‘No’ to causing ourselves and one another suffering.

For where there’s a ‘Yes,’ there’s a ‘No’ …  saying ‘Yes’ to belovedness, to compassion, to peace, to justice, to forgiveness, to hope, to grace, to freedom, to open-mindedness and equanimity, is also saying ‘No’ to fear or being ruled by it, violence, prejudice, injustice, inaction, indifference, poverty, oppression … a ‘No’ that must be clear!

Yet what seems most needful is not so much to declare the ‘No’ against suffering as to proclaim the ‘Yes’ for liberation from suffering … to be the ‘YES’!

And even when a fearful or cynical ‘No’ seems so loud and dominant, listen for the powerful, peaceful ‘Yes’ that’s still present, in you, in others, in the world … and amplify it!

Live the ‘Yes’ … make your life a resounding ‘Yes’ to love, grace, hope, justice, mindfulness!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*** I also wrote a poem with this journal entry, but I’m not including it all here. I’m working on creating a separate section/category specifically for poetry. Right now, it’s here: Always yes, always beloved, always belovedness ***