Month: April 2016

And a little child led me: parenting in belovedness

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Today I want to share a deeply personal story about finding and living the echoes of belovedness in parenting!

This is a story about what became a holy interaction between my youngest daughter, D, and I, though it surely didn’t start out with that promise in it at all! In fact, it felt pretty messy. Nowhere near a beautiful mess … just a mess.

It was Easter morning and the girls and I were getting ready to go to brunch at church before service.

Now, D is a delightful child (after all, that’s what the D stands for 😉 ), sparkly, spunky, spirited, strong-willed, sweet and spicy both. I love her spiritedness; it’s one of my very favorite things about her. I love her fierce strength, and even her stubbornness … oh, so much like mine!

And this was a stubborn moment … not just hers, but mine, too!

There are times she decides, and at the most inconvenient moment (that is, the last five minutes before it’s time to leave, for school or whatever; and do these things ever happen at a ‘convenient’ moment, anyway?!), that she isn’t wearing these shoes after all, only those shoes will do, but those are the shoes her sister is wearing (or the coat her sister is wearing) and no, I won’t wear any other shoes. Or, no, you get these shoes for me and you put them on for me … and then, NO, don’t put my shoes on for me, I want to … Which is wonderful, except then, she doesn’t want to anymore in the next moment! Oh my!

So, Easter morning we had a variation on this theme.  I attempted to handle it in the method that has, after much trial and even more error, revealed itself to be generally effective at calmly de-escalating or defusing these situations. This method usually involves a combination of offering a choice and counting to a certain number, making the options clear and giving her time and space to make a choice before the choice becomes mine. It works well – when I remain calm, mindful, and patient!

But it was spectacularly bombing this morning … or rather, I was, really. I felt oddly disoriented and drained after being up in the middle of night (2:00-4:00) for the Easter vigil and I just was failing at the ‘patience and not sounding like a drill sergeant thing!’ Besides, I hadn’t eaten any breakfast yet and I just wanted to get to the brunch and have time to eat!  I was most definitely not in calm, mindful mom mode … D was in meltdown mode, and I felt about ready to join her.

But then I felt my own stubborn anxiousness suddenly give way and I said, oh, honey, I just want to get there because I’m so hungry and so tired, and besides, I think I’m just about to cry!

And she quietly said, with a sigh and a sob, me too!

I picked her up, set her on the counter, hugged her tight, and said around the swelling in my throat, Oh, D, I love you … I’m so sorry I haven’t been patient. I’m so sorry this has been so hard for you and me too …

We cried a bit together … and then amazingly, how much better it all became, like a brand new morning! The shoes went on and we left, still in decent time, but even better, with peace in our hearts.

Oh, I certainly felt emptied, poured out, undone as I drove there … but also filled up with reverent gratefulness, for the healing of love, for me and for her.

Gratefulness for the resurrecting and transforming power of love!

Gratefulness that a simple bit of honesty and vulnerability had the power to heal, cleanse, and redeem that painful interaction … to infuse it instead with belovedness.

Oh, I long so much for my parenting to echo with belovedness! For my children to hear belovedness in the way I speak to them, to feel belovedness in the way I interact with them, the way I am present with them, the way I discipline them. That even my disciplining would echo with belovedness …

And that costs me vulnerability, honesty, humility. To be willing to let my children see that in me, to give them that gift of belovedness … and to believe that even when I’ve messed up, the gift of belovedness is still there, for them and for me.

To let them see I am a flawed human being. To let them see me own that, with self-compassion.

To let them hear me acknowledge my mistakes and apologize.

To not be afraid to apologize to them when I was unjust or unfair, when my impatience or irritation toward them had more to do with me, my pride and my unmindfulness than with them.

To respect them enough to be honest with them.

To be real with them. Real enough to let them see my tears and to cry with them.

To be unafraid and unashamed to be an imperfect mother who is still learning … an imperfect mother who also loves fiercely, deeply, vulnerably, whose deepest intention is to become ever more mindful of this love moving in all my interactions with my children, in all my parenting efforts …

To remember more to let go …

of stubbornness, pride, expectations, attachments to what I think my parenting and my children ought to be like …

and to let Love lead,

just as a little child led me Easter morning!

Radical inclusion

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Thoughts about the concepts of radical inclusion and inclusiveness have been brewing in my brain for a while!

I’ve been part of a few conversations recently about how desirable a quality inclusiveness is in a person, in a leader, or in an institution, such as a church or government … and the circles grow wider out into society, into the world.

I’ve loved these conversations about inclusiveness, about radical inclusion, and I love that these ideas and practices seem so important to so many. I’ve observed also though that there seem to be varied ideas about what being inclusive or engaging in radical inclusion means to people. Different definitions, different visions, different expectations …

It seems like a good, deep conversation is needed to clarify just what we’re meaning if/when we talk about inclusiveness, about radical inclusion. But first perhaps some good, deep personal reflection is necessary, to be still and consider what those concepts mean to us, how we define them, how we would be willing to be inclusive or to practice a radical inclusion in our lives, the circles we’re a part of … workplace, family, church, organizations …

Just how inclusive is our inclusiveness? Just how ‘radical’ is our radical inclusion? Whom would we include?  And in what spirit would we include them?

I can’t answer those questions or define radical inclusion for anyone else but I want to share what it means to me, how I define it, what my vision of it is, how I want to live it …

First, there’s that word ‘radical.’ It sounds, well, radical, doesn’t it! It can seem militant, extreme, suspicious, drastic … but it also means profound, far-reaching, awe-inspiring, fundamental, essential. These are powerful words, aren’t they? Powerful words with depth. Words used to describe something powerful, transformational, revolutionary.

And that’s what radical inclusion is, what it offers in practice … something powerful, transformational, revolutionary.

Something powerfully inviting and compassionate. Radical inclusion as a compassionate invitation … a universal and universally compassionate invitation, into conversation and connection, into belonging.

In my vision, there are other ‘radical’ things that are part of the foundation of radical inclusion: self-acceptance, grace, compassion. Profound, far-reaching, awesome, fundamental, essential things. Things that are powerful, transformational, and revolutionary in themselves … but what makes them all those things, what makes grace radical, what makes compassion radical, is the depth and breadth and width to which they are expressed and lived.

That they aren’t just words or concepts or even practices … but lived Truths.

And self-acceptance …  radical in a spiritually transformational way! Because what it involves is meeting yourself where you are, as you are in the here and now, showing compassion and kindness toward yourself where you are, recognizing the imperfections and the suffering in yourself and loving yourself nonetheless, laying aside destructive self-judgments … an act of radical inclusion that begins with yourself, your soul!

A powerfully compassionate invitation to yourself … to love yourself as your own neighbor.

Where does, where can, this act of personal radical inclusion lead? It can lead into a place of healing, change, and growth, where you have the strength to let go of attachments you may need to let go of in order to heal and to love wholly …

It can lead into a deeper compassion and empathy, a broader understanding of grace, a wider view of acceptance, the ability to love wholly ….

It becomes the foundation of an ever-widening radical inclusion … to love every person as your neighbor, as you have learned to love yourself.

And so this vision of radical inclusion: Whom does it include? Who is, who should be, invited into the circle of radical inclusion?

Everyone! All of humanity. For who is not my neighbor? And are there any whom I should not love?

Maybe one vision sees a Jesus-like notion of radical inclusion that looks outward and sees the need to welcome the outcast, the homeless, the poor, the disenfranchised, the oppressed …

Maybe that vision extends to a progressive radical inclusion that is multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, that includes those of many races. Or respecting and honoring other faith traditions; an interfaith inclusion. Or welcoming and loving those of diverse sexual or gender identities, those who have been stigmatized, misunderstood, even reviled or shunned …

It seems that sometimes though a view of radical inclusion might form that actually includes a clause of exclusion, if you will – that those we’ve judged as having wrong views or values, we might exclude from our vision of inclusion. We might see them as not being worthy of welcoming, of radical inclusion … of love.

Radical inclusion includes letting go of those clauses of exclusion!

For who else does radical inclusion include? It includes those with whom we disagree, those who have differing views … it means letting go of attachments to political affiliations and religious ideologies. Not compromising soul-deep convictions and values, but yet loving our neighbor far above loving our own ideas and perspectives, and making such love a highest value!

And who is my neighbor? You are my neighbor. I am your neighbor. No matter our differences in any sense, no matter how different your life journey has been than mine, you are my neighbor and I am called to love you.

No matter how different your perspective on life, no matter how different your perceptions of the Ultimate truths about life, spirituality and sacredness, or your experience (or not) of the divine, you are my neighbor. And I am called to learn from you and to love you.

We meet where we are, as who we are, and listen to and love one another.

This is my definition, my vision, of radical inclusion. This is where I see so much hope of healing, of reconciliation, of unity!

We will always be different and diverse. But we can have diversity in unity; unity in diversity. And Love, belovedness, binding it together, bringing wholeness …

Let us extend that compassionate invitation into conversation and connection to all, to one another!

And through that powerful, transformational, revolutionary act of radical inclusion become one people!

 

Reflections about my blogging …

/ Lanae / 5 Comments

I have felt rather quiet recently … and without much idea of what I might talk about in another post.

Well, maybe some of that feeling is related to the unkind little flu-bug I have been dealing with the last while that left me feeling like a trainwreck, muddle-headed, with fire in my joints and muscles! That’s probably as good of a reason as any to take a time of rest – and let some things go, let others wait … well, except graduate students do still have to get their schoolwork in on time, muddle-headed and all!

And some of that feeling is related to evaluating what I am doing with this blog … or what this blog is doing with me, too! Looking at the desires and intentions, the vision, I had for this space to be a space of connection and conversation and looking at whether it really feels like a comfortable and inviting space to you all … is there a significant divergence between my intentions and vision and my actual creation? That the direction I wanted to go, stated I wanted to go, is not exactly the direction in which I find myself having gone?

Well, divergence happens, direction changes happen … and then perhaps direction corrections are in order, but perhaps sometimes not! Perhaps sometimes the “right” direction is the one you find yourself having gone, whether it was the one intended or planned. And it’s good to remember that often the destination can be approached from many different directions … there isn’t only one right path all the time!

And is it the precise direction or path that matters most – or the vision? Which leads? Perhaps the vision creates the right direction for itself …

I know sometimes I have written in a much more scholarly or teacher-ly (yes, I make up words sometimes! 😉 ) tone. Or sometimes maybe too abstract! And possibly this isn’t the right direction to go to create a ‘connection and conversation space,’ a relatable and vulnerable space. Then again, there really are many ways to create connection and conversation, to engage in connection and conversation!

And so perhaps I’m learning from this blog and what it’s doing with me that I need to be more mindful of my style of connection and conversation … to be mindful of how I can clarify and simplify the vision and the message I want to share, how I can clarify and simplify the way I share it!

And yet, I have been writing with my heart, my heart and my mind both, my soul and my intellect, with my own voice, offering authentic offerings … my blog itself is an imperfect, but authentic, offering. And I say ‘authentic’ because the messages I share and what I offer of myself there is not tailored to fit what I think anyone wants to hear or what I think anyone wants me to be … but it is coming from what I believe, what I belove, who I am seeking to be and to become.

But beyond the intention to craft a ‘connection and a conversation space,’ my deepest desire and vision is simply belovedness. Belovedness, I believe, has been in everything I’ve shared here … have the echoes of belovedness always been clear, have the bells of belovedness always resounded clearly? I hope so, oh how I hope so, because belovedness is my deepest intention, my clearest direction, my abiding vision …

So what vision is leading, then? Oh, the vision, the spirit, that is leading is Belovedness! That’s what this blog will always be most about … so that is what will create the direction.

Sometimes, though as I’ve been learning and learning and re-learning, just stopping and being still for a while, taking a rest, a Sabbath time, is the necessary thing to bring clarity … of both direction and vision. Being still, being patient. Letting things unfold. Letting the vision lead. Letting the journey, the direction fall into rhythm and harmony with the vision …

And perhaps what this blog is doing with me is teaching me simply to surrender … to take refuge in surrender.

To surrender my fears and fretting about the direction of this blog, about the direction of my life … to surrender my doubts and my discomfort with uncertainty … to surrender my overthinking and my impatience. To surrender my insecurity and my striving to be significant or influential …

Just to surrender to being vulnerable and to being humble …

To surrender more to mindfulness and to Belovedness!

Then, clarity and simplicity can come … and vision clears, the “right” direction, the “right” path, opens and unfolds.

On that note, I’ll sign off with a little poem I wrote this past November:

The stillness is heavenly                                                                                        
a November autumn day
gold still hanging on a few fine branches
like rare pendants adorning the trees
Gentle letting go still happening
as the colors of fall
drift from tree to grassy
resting places
A stillness today
And all the letting go
seems so gentle
today
Surrender, not loss
Surrender is triumph
in stillness
today
The light fresh and free
flowing still
flowering the air
with cool calm
Heavenly is the stillness
in the world and in I