Month: April 2020

Easter Hope Rising

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

The stories of Holy Week and Easter season carry such rich imagery and always seem to lend themselves to deep metaphorical reflection and visioning, for me. One doesn’t have to name oneself as Christian to draw from this deep well of living metaphor, or to see how it uncannily, without fail, reflects the troubled, complex, both/and state of (my) humanity and the world in these quarantine days – darkness and light, grief and grace, loss and abundance, co-existing all together, backlit by hope rising.

Something in me continues to love keeping the Easter vigil, especially in those deep wild still hours of the night, and even though we couldn’t keep the Easter vigil at our church this year, we had the invitation to keep vigil at home. And so I purposed to keep vigil through the night til the morning, through those deep wild still hours … Prepared candles and incense and a place to sit in silence and a place to write as the Spirit so moved.

And the Spirit so moved, in this way! This is a wrenching, raw cry from the deepest places of my heart and soul, bowed in grief, lifted in grace – for me and for the world, hope for me and you and the world.I hadn’t necessarily intended to share this poem publicly, because it’s so nakedly personal – these are some of my deepest aches, vanities, and longings, core wounds and spiritual struggles. The old patterns, old pains, that keep rising up as I keep peeling layers upon layers, seeking deeper healing, truer, freer living … this quarantine Easter season has brought so much to the surface, for me, for us all, for our world …
Yet it seems right to be open, if there is anything that may speak to other hearts, too.

With much love and hope, I bow and share this from the Spirit with you, beloved ones!

Rise, Leave the Graveclothes

It is time to leave the tomb
I have been there a while
Not alive but dead to life deepened
                        dead not alive
                        not alive, not risen
                        not living nor rising
In a tomb
                   I have been
It is time to arise
                   leave this tomb
                   return no more
                   to this place
Rise, leave the graveclothes behind
                   seal the tomb
                   return no more
                   to this death
 
Resentment, toxic envy
                  bitterness of seeing others
                  richly clothed in honor and influence
                  you have sought
                  but feel nakedly unknown
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                        Seal this tomb
                                        free, walk in light
                                                  clothed new
 
Praise and honor craved
                    from some, stories
                    and needs carried
                    unmet, not to be met
                   still worn, worn to tatters
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                         Seal this tomb
                                         free, walk in light
                                                    clothed new
 
Desires to have your words
                    known, esteemed, quoted
                    to carry weight in the world
                    and ring wild into the Night
               This want to be a thought leader
                              a spirit leader
                              a standard bearer of belovedness
              Graveclothes
                                     nothing but graveclothes
              Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                         Seal this tomb
                                         free, walk in light
                                                    clothed new
              Understanding, a mirror held to you
                                  you may fancy yourself
                                  prophet or poet
                                  mystic or mother to the world
                                  and wish this seen
                                  but these, small ego longings
                                  they are
              Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
              Rise, leave the graveclothes
                                         Seal this tomb
                                         free, walk in light
                                                    clothed new
 
The trappings of ego, social norms
                   the pressure to be doing
                   creating, producing
                   squeezed by deadening belief
                   you are only relevant
                   in doing and known to be
                                                                      doing
                                                done, I am
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave ego’s graveclothes
                                             seal its tomb
                                             Free, walk in light
                                                        clothed new
                                                  Enfleshed grace –
                              Don’t you yet know –
                                         you are Relevant
                                         by being Risen
                                         awake, alive
                                         enlivened, enfleshed
                                                     Grace
 
Comparisons – of your children
                    to the shiny-ness of others’
                    children, achievers, actively known
                              much praised
                    names held in golden esteem
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
               (and these – graveclothes
                         your children themselves
                         are not wearing
                         because you have well taught
                         them not to put them on
                                             so why must you!)
               Graveclothes
                                       nothing but graveclothes
               Rise, leave these graveclothes
                                         seal the tomb
                                         free, walk in light clothed
                                             Awake, alive, eyes clear
                              to see light embodied in your children
                                                  as they are
                                 love them into their authentic
                                                  best selves
                              and do not offer them graveclothes, of any sort
                                                     to wear
                                  or model for them graveclothes
                          Model for them the rising
                                             and the leaving
                                             of the graveclothes
                                             the sealing of the tomb
                                             the walking free, in light
 
Comparisons, self-condemnations
                     spirit-quenching judgments
                     robbing joy and justice
                     In blindness, holding onto
                                             unlit candles
                                light of others unseen, unhonored
                                your own light unlit
                                             un-risen, un-enfleshed
               Graveclothes
                                        nothing but graveclothes
 
Rise! Leave the graveclothes
               all graveclothes
               seal the tomb
Free! Walk in light, clothed
      awake and alive
                 Risen
 
Risen, enfleshed Grace
            dry bones enlivened
                  clothed in
                        Light
 
Rise!
          Leave the graveclothes
               of this past life
                                             (death)
               of what was thought normal
                              but was
                                             death
          These graveclothes, they are
                              but tatters and they stink
                              Shake them free
                              dust, they disintegrate
                              shake the dust free
                              rise and walk
                              Return no more
                              to this death
                              Risen, return to life
 
Things that have been thought normal in this world
                       scarcity, lack, greed
                       busyness and exhaustion
                       body and soul and earth depletion
                       unkindness and heart blindness
                       violence and war
                       inequity and injustice
               Graveclothes
                                       nothing but graveclothes
                       that are and belong
                                                               to death
               Let us all rise, leave these graveclothes
                              Seal the tombs we have made
                             for one another,
                              seal them
                              return to them no more
               Free, let us walk in light clothed
                              together Risen
              

Monthly Abundance Focus, March: Generosity

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

This review of March’s Abundance theme focus is a little later than usual, and frankly, I seriously considered whether it was honestly the right time or relevant to be posting about an Abundance Project in the midst of a pandemic, topsy-turvy time of loss and grief. Well – and especially when the focus of March was ‘Money’, with the overall intention of financial energy care and changing my spirit toward financial abundance!

And I’m still questioning … but I’m going to share something for 3 reasons:

One, because continuity matters, for the sake of retaining some sense of healthy normalcy and incorporating what was helpful from old rhythms and structures into the new.

Two, because abundance still matters and is perhaps even more relevant, simply in a different way.

Three, because this theme focus is really more about generosity than finances or financial attitudes (well, maybe generosity is both a financial and spiritual attitude!) – and generosity of service and spirit matters, more than ever!

When there is much loss and fear and grief afoot, abundance and hope and grace are even more relevant – fundamental not only to surviving but thriving, to sustaining care and compassion, to moving through grief and yet inviting gratitude to be present where it can be found, to maintaining an un-narrowed spirit open to share and serve and trust.

Certainly, this year’s circumstances weren’t what I envisioned (how could I?!) – and yet, reflecting on it, what better time to have an Abundance Project? To have intentions and practices in place to ground and sustain me and stay in my heart and mind even when my energy flagged and my soul and body felt wearied and worn.

I’m not going to post the entirety of the action steps, because some of them got as turned upside down as did life and its structures and rhythms and just had to be let go. But the two which were my anchoring intentions became freshly, vividly relevant – re-defining what abundance can mean, needs to mean, on a deeper level, for self and soul care and communal care.

The mantra for the month was ‘Make money your servant, to help you serve in love’. And oh, how relevant was and is serving in love!

Some may remember that at the beginning of March I posted this on Facebook: My challenge to myself this month, which I am sharing here now to help me with diligence + accountability, is to buy nothing new this month, outside of groceries and household supplies! (One hope is that this helps with my book addiction ) I’ll let you know at the end of month how intention parlayed into accomplishment …

The challenge to buy nothing new or un-needed? It worked well – helped out by the practicality of removing non-essential store trips and utilizing online grocery shopping/order pick-up options, especially in service of public health safety. If, say, a splurge urge arose, I sat with it, to see what the need really was underneath the want and to give the desire a chance to dissolve of its own accord. Waiting helped me want less and fill the true need more. Wanting less helped me see I have and am enough already; wanting less helped me have more to give!

And in the middle of March, this: “Be generous. Do not budget generosity. Do not ever fear to be generous.”

These are words from one of my action steps in this month’s Abundance Project theme focus …. and today I’ve been reflecting just how appropriate they feel to me right now. Now is the time for abundant generosity, and to not give permission to the fear and anxiety that is present right now to pull us away from that or lure us into a fear-narrowed scarcity mindset. We *will* have enough together!

Now is the time for generosity of care, of compassion, of communication, of finding both creative and practical ways to reach out, serve, soothe, and help one another. To give without measure from what we have to give. To feed one another – not just offering food for the body but food for the heart, soul, mind, to share peace for our troubled spirits, be balm for one another’s anxious fears, to hold space for one another. All of this generosity is possible even with the physical distancing – physical distancing need not be, must not be, emotional or spiritual distancing!

We have an invitation now into deeper ways of practicing healing community, inviting Love to bridge physical and social distances and bring us together in a solidarity more powerful than fear, than any virus.

If the first intention is about understanding the true need under the want, this second intention is about an ‘abundance response’.

The two intentions fit perfectly together! I couldn’t have known when I was crafting my Abundance Project how right each month’s guiding focus and intentions would be, but they have been so attuned to the needs of the moment it could only have been Spirit, indeed. They helped me not get lost in a tempting fear-narrowed scarcity mindset. They anchored me in a more generous compassion toward my fears and needs and others’ fears and needs, and served as a compass pointing me toward abundance responses.

Abundance responses are exactly what is needed right now … to help us care well for ourselves and one another, to help us help ourselves and our communities deal with the suffering,  fears, and challenges* of this time and find healing together.

*Including parenting, which it just so happens I chose as April’s focus with intention to cultivate relationship with each kid, and spend quality time with them, and the mantra to “Love them as they are, so that they learn to love themselves into their authentic best selves.” Well! How much more fitting could that get, indeed!*

Reflections from an all-too-human therapist, upon 2+ weeks of doing quarantine life and therapy

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I’ve been sharing some reflections now and then on my personal Facebook page and figured I may as well offer them here too, because why not? Why not preserve a record of this time and these lessons here too?

As a therapist/yoga teacher/mindfulness and meditation facilitator, I keep thinking I have a responsibility to offer helpful things related to dealing with anxiety and trauma, and how to use meditation and mindfulness practices to help. Yet, I haven’t quite been able to make that happen … but then, maybe that’s a ‘should’ I don’t need to carry right now!

And some of the other productive/creative ideas I’ve had about how to use the extra time that not needing to commute gives me? Reading, writing, doing more therapeutic training? Sometimes I find myself feeling weary, aimless, unfocused … and not being productive or redeeming the gift of time that this new rhythm of life seems to offer me.

So I considered just how much energy it has taken to shift my practice home and online. And the immense energy it takes to engage therapeutically online! Creating attunement, reading emotional and nonverbal cues, being present – these elements are all essential to therapeutic relationship in any context, but also practicing them through a cyber connection requires a deep intentional retuning of awareness and maintaining quality of attention.

And this is on top of parenting my kids through a tremendous transition for them, all of us learning to live together in this new reality. Being present for them, overseeing home learning and chores, dealing with challenging attitudes … whew!

And shepherding a community organization …

As a mentor pointed out to me, each one of these is in itself a tremendous amount of emotional labor … but all together, and at a time where there’s already a deep river of stress energy and collective grief running through the world, of which I feel acutely aware.

So of course I don’t have the energy to give and do and be everything I feel a longing to give and do and be! Of course there are limits to my human strength that provide boundary to my desires … though those limits don’t hem in hope or love.

I’ve seen articles that remind me that it’s okay to feel unproductive right now, that it’s okay and necessary to allow time and space to just be, that the time doesn’t all have to be filled with amazingness of productivity and creativity. That feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, ennui are all valid right now, that it’s okay and necessary to allow grace and space for feeling them and moving through them. That simply adjusting to this new rhythm of living and parenting and being is in itself an act of intense emotional labor that takes much energy. Considering what personal expectations of productivity and creativity are fair in light of that is an act of grace toward ourselves!

So this is a reminder to myself that I’m sharing out loud in your presence – to be fair to myself and rest from burdensome expectations that sap needed energy, to find what nourishes my energy and what heals me when I feel depleted, and to allow space and grace for all feelings.

May you all find these things, may we allow ourselves to be and to grieve and to heal together, beloved ones!

****

There will still be a review of last month’s Abundance Project theme, coming soon. The era of coronavirus, quarantine, and social solidarity/physical distancing has cast a different light across my project, but this light has brought out things I might never have seen otherwise and has shifted my perspective of abundance and its relevance!