Category: authenticity

Finding my voice, becoming my voice

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

I can’t, I won’t, hide behind silence anymore …

I’ve been finding my voice and learning to speak my truth, to speak truth with as much love and grace as I can. To live truthfully, with as much peace and grace and belovedness as I can – one of my deepest purposes.

However, a realization about finding and expressing my authentic voice arose during my most recent yoga teacher training weekend.

As often happens, the  physical movements of yoga reveal where there’s emotional distress or spiritual need, by how those things are reflected in the body. Certain poses can bring deep things to the surface, shine insight into some source of pain or struggle …

Poses in yoga are often meant to open an area of the body, to release tension or blocked energy or emotion associated with the tension. On several occasions, we held poses intended to open the throat area, with the head lifted up, the throat exposed. Instead of feeling openness, I still felt constriction, a lumpy tightness in my throat. I noticed and I wondered, with a sense of compassionate curiosity, why is that there?

The throat area is connected to voice, to self-expression, to being able to speak with liberty and with authenticity. Voice and self-expression means more than words, writing and speaking. It means also spirit, actions, choices made and opportunities taken, living fully and wholly, not closed but wide open to possibility and opportunity, to risk and growth …

… and so the closed, constricted feeling showed me that I’m still struggling to find clarity and to let go of inhibition and constriction in my self-expression, my soul-expression. That somehow, I was feeling stifled … or was stifling myself. But why, and how?

This message struck softly but deeply:

When I choose to constrain or confine my true voice, my silence is like a sacrifice … sacrificing my voice, sacrificing my truth.

Sometimes, silence is a right sacrifice … the kind that spares others in love, or in love recognizes that this is the time for other voices to be lifted up, to be heard. But that’s a silence that comes from stillness, a letting go of the ego-voice. An active silence, one that listens and loves and stands in solidarity and unity.

Sometimes, silence is a sacrifice made in fear, in pride … like an act of self-oppression, conscious or unconscious. Not a silence emerging from centered stillness, but from an unquiet ego or restive heart.

Then, the understanding sounded in my mind like a mindfulness bell:

I’m seeking to find my voice, yet still sacrificing or stifling it … still choosing silence or inaction in moments of opportunity, choosing self-oppression instead of self-expression, soul-expression.

Because I still wonder sometimes, who wants to hear my voice … who will hear it? And will people hear integrity, truthfulness, and belovedness in my voice? And will they hear them not just in my words, but see them in my soul … will they see and hear my soul in my voice?

And so the questions, because I feel uncertain of the answers, cause me to silence or stifle my voice. Sometimes, that’s good and right; sometimes, not.

Yoga, its movements and meditation, are helping me become more deeply aware of spiritual, mental, emotional ways in which I still silence or stifle myself, because it’s been a long-standing pattern of being.  Because it’s been routine to question and to silence my voice …

And because I still have attachments to old self-images, self-concepts, self-judgments …

Such as the notion that I’m not good at teaching, not meant to be a teacher! A writer or a speaker, yes. A counselor, perhaps. But a teacher … me?!

And yet, here I am in a yoga teacher training class! Why was I led to be there? Clearly because I needed to learn how to be a teacher … that I can be a teacher … that I am already a teacher. So that I could discover and honor my voice as a teacher … and find a richer, more authentic, wholly alive voice as a writer, speaker, counselor, parent, human and spiritual being, too!

So that I could see the ways in which I have still kept myself bound by fears, doubts, unbelief … and let those bonds unfurl, fall away. Explore the possibility that some, or many, of my ideas about myself and my truth and my potential have been limiting or not even accurate! See how they’ve constricted my voice, my soul-expression …

Let go of those self-limiting, soul-limiting, ideas, beliefs, choices … one way to find my voice. One way for you to find your voice!

Let go … and become more aware of the voice that is already there. Set it free! Let go of fear, doubt, shame … let the voice that is in the soul flow forth. Set it free!

But perhaps the deepest, truest thing I have learned, is that it’s less about finding my voice … and more about becoming and being my voice. About knowing my soul. Hearing its beautiful, true voice. Speaking, living, being that voice, in whatever I am or do .. or teach!

Stepping out of the boat (again): owning my truth

/ Lanae / 4 Comments

You might act as if you’re at peace with whatever happens now. However, the truth is that your attractions are pulling you strongly in two opposing directions and you don’t want to let go of either choice. Unfortunately, it’s time to stop living under the illusion that you can follow divergent paths for much longer. You are at a fork in the road and you must make a final decision before moving forward.

I can’t remember where I originally found these words, but when I rediscovered them in my files today, my heart pinged again, and I thought, OH! I have no idea why I first saved those words, but they resonated with me again  ….

Inspired me to reflect further about letting go, about not living under the illusion that it’s possible to follow divergent paths … about moving forward in truthfulness, moving forward in and with Belovedness.

The last few years, my life journey has brought me to several forks in the road, forks where divergent paths met. Both could not be followed, and I had to learn to choose. I confess that at times past I have attempted to hold onto all possible choices, to hold on to an illusion that it was possible to reconcile contradictory paths … but I’ve learned to let go of some illusions!

Many things – interests, possibilities, or relationships – can be integrated into a clear path to follow, but truly conflicting paths cannot be converged into one harmonious way of living, no matter how hard or how sincerely you try.

I love the idea of a middle way – that whatever the divergent-seeming choices might be, there is another way, a way of both truthfulness and peace. I find myself now always looking for a middle way …

Sometimes this middle way is a way of understanding that what seems to be an either/or choice can be a both/and choice, where perspectives or truths that seem to be in opposition can actually be held together and balance one another. This is a beautiful path to see and to follow, a way of choosing peace, finding harmony. This is equanimity, in vision and in action.

Sometimes, the middle way is a way of moderation, sometimes a way of concession and compromise. Sometimes compromise is the path of truthfulness and authenticity; sometimes not. And when it’s not a path of truthfulness, it’s not really a true middle way, a way of peace or of belovedness.

Sometimes, what compromise means is a fear of committing to a clear purpose and path, a fear of committing to authenticity and vulnerability. Fear of claiming an identity, of taking a clear stand, making an open acknowledgement …

What is in stark contrast here is the desire to move forward in a direction of authenticity and vulnerability, but also to remain in a place or path of seeming certainty and safety! To be honest, or to be hidden or to hide behind silence … but is remaining in silence a path of truthfulness and authenticity, or a damaging, deceiving compromise?

And over the last couple of years, I’ve confronted that question in various ways, at deeper levels … and I’ve made some agonizingly difficult decisions to follow a path that diverged from the familiar and comfortable status quo. But this became a path of peace because it was a path of truthfulness and authenticity, of integrity and wholeness.

There’s something I’ve chosen to share in my everyday living, with friends and family, in my faith community, and now here …  I choose this path of truthfulness because for me it’s a path of peace and of belovedness, because it brings a liberty that far outweighs any costs.

I won’t, I can’t, hide behind silence anymore. I choose to be authentic and vulnerable, though this is a risk both exhilarating and terrifying.

As I mentioned in my very first blog post, I am stepping out of the boat:

I am no longer afraid or ashamed to identify myself as gay, nor to stand in love and solidarity with all those in the LGBTQ+ community.

It’s also true that I would rather not pigeonhole myself into any one label. I am simply who I am. I am a person. A person with an interesting sexuality, yes, but my sexuality is only a part of me that doesn’t define all of who I am.

Yet, it’s an important aspect of who I am, and I had to learn to make peace with it and love it as a part of who I am innately, so that I could be whole, live in authenticity and integrity.

I have previously told my story of finding the gift of belovedness  … the gift of wholeness and reconciliation. Accepting and embracing the truth about my sexuality is also an integral part of my story, of finding that gift of belovedness. I suffered deeply from years of denying or despising my sexuality, not able to accept or love that part of myself or to be a whole person …

But knowing all of myself as beloved, as deeply accepted and embraced by Love, helped me become whole! Helped me learn how to echo belovedness …

And so I send this echo of belovedness, this echo of truthfulness, into the world and hopefully into your hearts!

Own your truth

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Recently I posted this story collection of three-word sentences on my Facebook page, inspired by a question that asked, what are three words you would tell your younger self? (And as I jokingly mentioned, most who know me know that I can come up with more than three words for almost anything – hence the story collection!!)

You are beloved. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are whole. You are free. Live in liberty. Live with integrity. Love whole-heartedly. Practice self-compassion. Give yourself grace. Acknowledge your pain. Embrace your suffering. Set aside shame. Be you, authentically. Be you, bravely.

Here are two more three-word sentences to add to that story:  Hold the light. Own your truth.

And that is precisely what I intend to do, not just in this post, in my writing, but in my living and being: own my truth, own the truth. Own the truth so that I can hold the light, be in light, be light.

This owning truth, living in truthfulness, is a moral, ethical, spiritual practice. Actually, it’s a love practice, even a self-compassion practice.

I have been inspired to explore what it means to own my/the truth, to live and practice truthfulness on an even deeper level by reflecting on the yamas, the five moral restraints or principles that form a part of the foundation of the philosophy and practice of yoga.

It seems that there is an image of yoga, at least in some respects, as consisting primarily of poses or postures, physical movements (asanas). And asanas are essential in yoga; but yet, a yoga practice that consists only of the physical aspect is a one-dimensional practice. (Could we say the same about life and living?)

The spiritual practice provides the deeper dimensions, the dimensions that give fullness and rhythm and grace to the movements – to life. These spiritual principles, these deeper dimensions, are not ones that stand in contrast to any faith or wisdom traditions, to any spiritual truths such as those of Jesus. Rather, they are in harmony with the simplicity and universality of the values of love, kindness, compassion, and graciousness.

All of the yamas are beautiful concepts and practices … such as ahimsa, which is non-violence. What does living ahimsa mean on a deeper level? What does it mean to live non-violence, to live love? That is perhaps another post!

However, the yama that is my focus right now is satya, which is truthfulness, the practice of truthfulness.

And no, this doesn’t mean the practice of brutal honesty … which often lacks compassion and tends to wound more than it heals. Wounding is not what honesty, or a practice of truthfulness, is about.

Truthfulness is about healing and wholeness, about compassion and grace. It is about integrity and authenticity, which are intimately intertwined.

Sometimes truthfulness requires silence, sometimes restraint of speech and/or action, sometimes bold words, a voice of grace and passion, in the face of opposition or misunderstanding. All take courage, deep inner courage.

And while truthfulness is about not lying, that is but the surface of it. Truthfulness is about a lot more than not lying. And not lying is about a lot more than not saying false or deceitful things. It’s about not taking liberties with elements of the truth, about not hiding weaknesses, perceived flaws, or mistakes in shame, about not avoiding accountability when you’ve done wrong.

Truthfulness is first an inward practice … truth in the inward parts, in the heart. It begins inside, becomes who you are, and flows out into all that you do … it becomes a constant companion and practice.

Truthfulness begins with letting go of self-deceptions and attachments to self-deceptions. With letting go of denial of truths about yourself. With looking deeply inward and beginning to know yourself, the best you can know yourself, for who you are, who you are becoming, who you are to become … not for who others have thought or said you are, or for who others have said you ought to be or ought not to be.

Truthfulness is a deep, vulnerable form of letting go of pretense, telling the truth about ourselves to ourselves and to other human beings, living the truth about ourselves straightforwardly and sincerely.  Letting go of the shame and the fear of judgment that often causes us to build barriers … and miss out on the connection that comes when we are most real and reach out in that realness to the realness in others.

Truthfulness is a heart and a soul willing to be seen and known, deeply, and to be, deeply … even when there is cost or loss that comes with it. Because the cost or loss that comes with untruthfulness is greater … the loss of wholeness and integrity of being.

But peace comes with truthfulness, with living in integrity and authenticity. Living in the light, holding the light, being light.

And in honor of satya, in honor of truthfulness,  my next post will shine light on a truth that has always been a part of my life story, of my journey toward wholeness and belovedness!

 

 

The gift of imperfection: an authentic offering

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Ring the bells that still can ring/Forget your perfect offering/There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.

These lines are from Leonard Cohen’s song “Anthem”, and when I came across them recently, they felt like a gift to me. A gift that I’ve been working on unwrapping and opening … and want to share with you, just as it is, unpolished, straight from my heart to you!

I have heard the last line quoted often before – There’s a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in – without ever hearing the whole song. But when I was listening to it, it was these words Forget your perfect offering that resonated most deeply with me.

What is it saying? It may say something different to each one of us, something different to you than to me, but what it said to me was, Be authentic, be your imperfectly real self. Not who you think you’re supposed to be, but who you are. Who you are right now, including what you believe to be your brokenness, what is your brokenness. What you think, or know, are the cracks in you.

It’s saying, Forget striving for your perfect offering and remember your imperfect offering. Remember that your imperfect offering is beautiful, it is enough; it is enough because it is what you have right now, here and now, in this moment. See where the light gets in your offering and makes it beautiful, perfectly, beautifully authentic. Imperfectly perfect, perfectly imperfect.

It’s saying … forget perfection. Forget striving for it. Yes, give of the best that you have, the best that you are … but don’t then judge it as ‘less than,’ ‘not good enough,’ or ‘flawed’. As if ‘flawed’ is an ugly, irredeemable, unholy thing. Except that it isn’t … oh, it isn’t. Not in the light of belovedness, it isn’t!

And like a popular Christian song goes ‘Beautiful, the mess we are/The honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.’ It’s the honesty and the authenticity that’s so beautiful, the real rawness, the raw realness. No pretending. No pretending that there isn’t brokenness, breaking places in our hearts and lives. But acknowledging them, offering them up in vulnerable, beautiful openness. Then, oh, the grace that bountifully blesses such an offering … and what remains imperfect about it, then?

Authenticity and honesty make the imperfection into something perfect …. the imperfect offering becomes a whole offering, even a holy offering.

Our brokenness, our imperfections can be things of holiness, places where the light gets into us … places where the light flows out of us and shines all the more perfectly!

The gift of our imperfections is that they can be a gift to others; a gift of light and grace. They can be the places where we have the most to offer, the most light to give. The places wherein we seem the most beautiful to others, where we are the most beautiful to others!

Ring the bells that still can ring/Forget your perfect offering/There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.

Ring that bell! The cracked bell that can still ring, and ring resoundingly!

Ring that bell! The cracked bell that can still ring … ring resoundingly with belovedness. A cracked bell can still echo belovedness, and perhaps all the more richly and perfectly because of its imperfection.

Ring that cracked bell … embrace your imperfections. Know the gift of them, share the gift in them. It’s where your life echoes with belovedness; it’s where the light gets in and where it is most luminous.

Your authentic offering is truly your ‘perfect’ offering! It is where you are most you, where you are most beautiful, where you are enough.