Saying ‘Yes!’ to belovedness

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Over the last few years, I’ve tried to keep a spiritual journal of sorts. Not a diary for recounting daily events, but for working out spiritual musings and philosophical ponderings, or making feeble attempts at poetry sometimes, too!

Now and then, it’s an adventure to go back and read ‘old’ words … to re-learn or reclaim forgotten insights, lessons, or experiences. Or to feel like I am indeed on a spiral staircase, circling around the same themes in my life and mind and soul …

So it happened again … As I opened up my journal to write, thinking “Oh, I need to return to belovedness, find a clear ‘Yes’ to it again, not water seeds of bitterness,” the page fell open to an entry from November 20 (2015) that was like a return to a familiar landing on the spiral staircase! Like, haven’t I been on this step before, looked out this tower window??

The external scenery of my journey is different, yet there was a sense of returning to a familiar inner landscape! The realization, “I’ve been here before; but what more is there I need to learn this time?”

And so chimed another mindfulness bell … or the same mindfulness bell, again …

In words I’m sharing below just as they flowed out then …

The last few days have been intense – just rather a deep swelling psychic sense of a ‘NO’ arising in this land, crying:

No! No, we will not take in refugees; No, we do not want Muslims here; No, we do not want Syrians (etc., etc., etc.) here;

No, we do not think the world will ever be anything other than broken and no, we do not think love or goodness is the true nature of humanity … evil and violence is and will always be;

No, we do not think love will win; no, belovedness is not greater than fear!

It has made my ‘YES’ feel so lost in the resounding cacophony of that ‘NO’ … and has broken my heart.

But I find now, again, that the strength and quiet, peaceful power of a conviction of Ultimate truth of belovedness has returned to my ‘YES’. I will keep saying ‘YES,’ I will keep saying all are beloved, I will keep saying ‘Belovedness is …

To clarify, the reference points for those words are the Paris attacks, the rising anguish and awareness around ISIS/the Syrian refugee situation, and the powerful, visceral emotional reactions in the U.S. and globally to these and other  crises. (And please hold in mind that this isn’t meant as political commentary – it’s a soul-cry – it’s spiritual (social/spiritual) commentary, if anything! I’m not a political activist, I’m more a social justice advocate with a spiritual approach, a spiritual advocate or perhaps a mindfulness messenger.)

Though those events are past, they still seem to be present, somehow – unresolved, unreconciled, unhealed. And the words above remain relevant because our shared societal spiral staircase always seems to be taking us to these points of political, social, and spiritual crises … where both the NO! and the YES! voices are resounding, on scores of personal, social, political, racial issues.

Awareness and change are happening rapidly, things are shifting, evolving. In the midst of it, there is fear, there is hope, sometimes a fearful hopelessness, sometimes a fearful hopefulness …

And the words are relevant to my own personal journey, my own inner ‘climbing of the spiral staircase’ … for me personally, change is happening rapidly also, things are shifting, evolving on many levels in my life, from deep internal places to external circumstances. And just as before, my ‘Yes’ to belovedness has started feeling lost, blurred, frayed … and my ‘No’ to anger, impatience, bitterness, and negativity has been waning.

I needed (continually need) a mindfulness bell to remind me I am beloved, to remind me of my ‘Yes’ to belovedness, to knit any unraveling edges back into the fabric of belovedness. To remind me to accept change and to embrace and heal my pain and difficult emotions with the ‘Yes’ of belovedness. To find strength and grace in focusing on that ‘Yes.’

I think so do we all, so does our beloved country, so does the world often need a mindfulness bell, in whatever form it takes … to remind us we are all beloved, we all belong in belovedness. To teach us to declare and to live a communal ‘Yes’ to love, compassion, hope,  justice … to say ‘Yes’ to loving ourselves and one another and ‘No’ to causing ourselves and one another suffering.

For where there’s a ‘Yes,’ there’s a ‘No’ …  saying ‘Yes’ to belovedness, to compassion, to peace, to justice, to forgiveness, to hope, to grace, to freedom, to open-mindedness and equanimity, is also saying ‘No’ to fear or being ruled by it, violence, prejudice, injustice, inaction, indifference, poverty, oppression … a ‘No’ that must be clear!

Yet what seems most needful is not so much to declare the ‘No’ against suffering as to proclaim the ‘Yes’ for liberation from suffering … to be the ‘YES’!

And even when a fearful or cynical ‘No’ seems so loud and dominant, listen for the powerful, peaceful ‘Yes’ that’s still present, in you, in others, in the world … and amplify it!

Live the ‘Yes’ … make your life a resounding ‘Yes’ to love, grace, hope, justice, mindfulness!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*** I also wrote a poem with this journal entry, but I’m not including it all here. I’m working on creating a separate section/category specifically for poetry. Right now, it’s here: Always yes, always beloved, always belovedness ***

       

Finding my voice, becoming my voice

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

I can’t, I won’t, hide behind silence anymore …

I’ve been finding my voice and learning to speak my truth, to speak truth with as much love and grace as I can. To live truthfully, with as much peace and grace and belovedness as I can – one of my deepest purposes.

However, a realization about finding and expressing my authentic voice arose during my most recent yoga teacher training weekend.

As often happens, the  physical movements of yoga reveal where there’s emotional distress or spiritual need, by how those things are reflected in the body. Certain poses can bring deep things to the surface, shine insight into some source of pain or struggle …

Poses in yoga are often meant to open an area of the body, to release tension or blocked energy or emotion associated with the tension. On several occasions, we held poses intended to open the throat area, with the head lifted up, the throat exposed. Instead of feeling openness, I still felt constriction, a lumpy tightness in my throat. I noticed and I wondered, with a sense of compassionate curiosity, why is that there?

The throat area is connected to voice, to self-expression, to being able to speak with liberty and with authenticity. Voice and self-expression means more than words, writing and speaking. It means also spirit, actions, choices made and opportunities taken, living fully and wholly, not closed but wide open to possibility and opportunity, to risk and growth …

… and so the closed, constricted feeling showed me that I’m still struggling to find clarity and to let go of inhibition and constriction in my self-expression, my soul-expression. That somehow, I was feeling stifled … or was stifling myself. But why, and how?

This message struck softly but deeply:

When I choose to constrain or confine my true voice, my silence is like a sacrifice … sacrificing my voice, sacrificing my truth.

Sometimes, silence is a right sacrifice … the kind that spares others in love, or in love recognizes that this is the time for other voices to be lifted up, to be heard. But that’s a silence that comes from stillness, a letting go of the ego-voice. An active silence, one that listens and loves and stands in solidarity and unity.

Sometimes, silence is a sacrifice made in fear, in pride … like an act of self-oppression, conscious or unconscious. Not a silence emerging from centered stillness, but from an unquiet ego or restive heart.

Then, the understanding sounded in my mind like a mindfulness bell:

I’m seeking to find my voice, yet still sacrificing or stifling it … still choosing silence or inaction in moments of opportunity, choosing self-oppression instead of self-expression, soul-expression.

Because I still wonder sometimes, who wants to hear my voice … who will hear it? And will people hear integrity, truthfulness, and belovedness in my voice? And will they hear them not just in my words, but see them in my soul … will they see and hear my soul in my voice?

And so the questions, because I feel uncertain of the answers, cause me to silence or stifle my voice. Sometimes, that’s good and right; sometimes, not.

Yoga, its movements and meditation, are helping me become more deeply aware of spiritual, mental, emotional ways in which I still silence or stifle myself, because it’s been a long-standing pattern of being.  Because it’s been routine to question and to silence my voice …

And because I still have attachments to old self-images, self-concepts, self-judgments …

Such as the notion that I’m not good at teaching, not meant to be a teacher! A writer or a speaker, yes. A counselor, perhaps. But a teacher … me?!

And yet, here I am in a yoga teacher training class! Why was I led to be there? Clearly because I needed to learn how to be a teacher … that I can be a teacher … that I am already a teacher. So that I could discover and honor my voice as a teacher … and find a richer, more authentic, wholly alive voice as a writer, speaker, counselor, parent, human and spiritual being, too!

So that I could see the ways in which I have still kept myself bound by fears, doubts, unbelief … and let those bonds unfurl, fall away. Explore the possibility that some, or many, of my ideas about myself and my truth and my potential have been limiting or not even accurate! See how they’ve constricted my voice, my soul-expression …

Let go of those self-limiting, soul-limiting, ideas, beliefs, choices … one way to find my voice. One way for you to find your voice!

Let go … and become more aware of the voice that is already there. Set it free! Let go of fear, doubt, shame … let the voice that is in the soul flow forth. Set it free!

But perhaps the deepest, truest thing I have learned, is that it’s less about finding my voice … and more about becoming and being my voice. About knowing my soul. Hearing its beautiful, true voice. Speaking, living, being that voice, in whatever I am or do .. or teach!

Stepping out of the boat (again): owning my truth

/ Lanae / 4 Comments

You might act as if you’re at peace with whatever happens now. However, the truth is that your attractions are pulling you strongly in two opposing directions and you don’t want to let go of either choice. Unfortunately, it’s time to stop living under the illusion that you can follow divergent paths for much longer. You are at a fork in the road and you must make a final decision before moving forward.

I can’t remember where I originally found these words, but when I rediscovered them in my files today, my heart pinged again, and I thought, OH! I have no idea why I first saved those words, but they resonated with me again  ….

Inspired me to reflect further about letting go, about not living under the illusion that it’s possible to follow divergent paths … about moving forward in truthfulness, moving forward in and with Belovedness.

The last few years, my life journey has brought me to several forks in the road, forks where divergent paths met. Both could not be followed, and I had to learn to choose. I confess that at times past I have attempted to hold onto all possible choices, to hold on to an illusion that it was possible to reconcile contradictory paths … but I’ve learned to let go of some illusions!

Many things – interests, possibilities, or relationships – can be integrated into a clear path to follow, but truly conflicting paths cannot be converged into one harmonious way of living, no matter how hard or how sincerely you try.

I love the idea of a middle way – that whatever the divergent-seeming choices might be, there is another way, a way of both truthfulness and peace. I find myself now always looking for a middle way …

Sometimes this middle way is a way of understanding that what seems to be an either/or choice can be a both/and choice, where perspectives or truths that seem to be in opposition can actually be held together and balance one another. This is a beautiful path to see and to follow, a way of choosing peace, finding harmony. This is equanimity, in vision and in action.

Sometimes, the middle way is a way of moderation, sometimes a way of concession and compromise. Sometimes compromise is the path of truthfulness and authenticity; sometimes not. And when it’s not a path of truthfulness, it’s not really a true middle way, a way of peace or of belovedness.

Sometimes, what compromise means is a fear of committing to a clear purpose and path, a fear of committing to authenticity and vulnerability. Fear of claiming an identity, of taking a clear stand, making an open acknowledgement …

What is in stark contrast here is the desire to move forward in a direction of authenticity and vulnerability, but also to remain in a place or path of seeming certainty and safety! To be honest, or to be hidden or to hide behind silence … but is remaining in silence a path of truthfulness and authenticity, or a damaging, deceiving compromise?

And over the last couple of years, I’ve confronted that question in various ways, at deeper levels … and I’ve made some agonizingly difficult decisions to follow a path that diverged from the familiar and comfortable status quo. But this became a path of peace because it was a path of truthfulness and authenticity, of integrity and wholeness.

There’s something I’ve chosen to share in my everyday living, with friends and family, in my faith community, and now here …  I choose this path of truthfulness because for me it’s a path of peace and of belovedness, because it brings a liberty that far outweighs any costs.

I won’t, I can’t, hide behind silence anymore. I choose to be authentic and vulnerable, though this is a risk both exhilarating and terrifying.

As I mentioned in my very first blog post, I am stepping out of the boat:

I am no longer afraid or ashamed to identify myself as gay, nor to stand in love and solidarity with all those in the LGBTQ+ community.

It’s also true that I would rather not pigeonhole myself into any one label. I am simply who I am. I am a person. A person with an interesting sexuality, yes, but my sexuality is only a part of me that doesn’t define all of who I am.

Yet, it’s an important aspect of who I am, and I had to learn to make peace with it and love it as a part of who I am innately, so that I could be whole, live in authenticity and integrity.

I have previously told my story of finding the gift of belovedness  … the gift of wholeness and reconciliation. Accepting and embracing the truth about my sexuality is also an integral part of my story, of finding that gift of belovedness. I suffered deeply from years of denying or despising my sexuality, not able to accept or love that part of myself or to be a whole person …

But knowing all of myself as beloved, as deeply accepted and embraced by Love, helped me become whole! Helped me learn how to echo belovedness …

And so I send this echo of belovedness, this echo of truthfulness, into the world and hopefully into your hearts!

Own your truth

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Recently I posted this story collection of three-word sentences on my Facebook page, inspired by a question that asked, what are three words you would tell your younger self? (And as I jokingly mentioned, most who know me know that I can come up with more than three words for almost anything – hence the story collection!!)

You are beloved. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are whole. You are free. Live in liberty. Live with integrity. Love whole-heartedly. Practice self-compassion. Give yourself grace. Acknowledge your pain. Embrace your suffering. Set aside shame. Be you, authentically. Be you, bravely.

Here are two more three-word sentences to add to that story:  Hold the light. Own your truth.

And that is precisely what I intend to do, not just in this post, in my writing, but in my living and being: own my truth, own the truth. Own the truth so that I can hold the light, be in light, be light.

This owning truth, living in truthfulness, is a moral, ethical, spiritual practice. Actually, it’s a love practice, even a self-compassion practice.

I have been inspired to explore what it means to own my/the truth, to live and practice truthfulness on an even deeper level by reflecting on the yamas, the five moral restraints or principles that form a part of the foundation of the philosophy and practice of yoga.

It seems that there is an image of yoga, at least in some respects, as consisting primarily of poses or postures, physical movements (asanas). And asanas are essential in yoga; but yet, a yoga practice that consists only of the physical aspect is a one-dimensional practice. (Could we say the same about life and living?)

The spiritual practice provides the deeper dimensions, the dimensions that give fullness and rhythm and grace to the movements – to life. These spiritual principles, these deeper dimensions, are not ones that stand in contrast to any faith or wisdom traditions, to any spiritual truths such as those of Jesus. Rather, they are in harmony with the simplicity and universality of the values of love, kindness, compassion, and graciousness.

All of the yamas are beautiful concepts and practices … such as ahimsa, which is non-violence. What does living ahimsa mean on a deeper level? What does it mean to live non-violence, to live love? That is perhaps another post!

However, the yama that is my focus right now is satya, which is truthfulness, the practice of truthfulness.

And no, this doesn’t mean the practice of brutal honesty … which often lacks compassion and tends to wound more than it heals. Wounding is not what honesty, or a practice of truthfulness, is about.

Truthfulness is about healing and wholeness, about compassion and grace. It is about integrity and authenticity, which are intimately intertwined.

Sometimes truthfulness requires silence, sometimes restraint of speech and/or action, sometimes bold words, a voice of grace and passion, in the face of opposition or misunderstanding. All take courage, deep inner courage.

And while truthfulness is about not lying, that is but the surface of it. Truthfulness is about a lot more than not lying. And not lying is about a lot more than not saying false or deceitful things. It’s about not taking liberties with elements of the truth, about not hiding weaknesses, perceived flaws, or mistakes in shame, about not avoiding accountability when you’ve done wrong.

Truthfulness is first an inward practice … truth in the inward parts, in the heart. It begins inside, becomes who you are, and flows out into all that you do … it becomes a constant companion and practice.

Truthfulness begins with letting go of self-deceptions and attachments to self-deceptions. With letting go of denial of truths about yourself. With looking deeply inward and beginning to know yourself, the best you can know yourself, for who you are, who you are becoming, who you are to become … not for who others have thought or said you are, or for who others have said you ought to be or ought not to be.

Truthfulness is a deep, vulnerable form of letting go of pretense, telling the truth about ourselves to ourselves and to other human beings, living the truth about ourselves straightforwardly and sincerely.  Letting go of the shame and the fear of judgment that often causes us to build barriers … and miss out on the connection that comes when we are most real and reach out in that realness to the realness in others.

Truthfulness is a heart and a soul willing to be seen and known, deeply, and to be, deeply … even when there is cost or loss that comes with it. Because the cost or loss that comes with untruthfulness is greater … the loss of wholeness and integrity of being.

But peace comes with truthfulness, with living in integrity and authenticity. Living in the light, holding the light, being light.

And in honor of satya, in honor of truthfulness,  my next post will shine light on a truth that has always been a part of my life story, of my journey toward wholeness and belovedness!

 

 

Resting in the posture

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

The blog has been quiet again! That is what happens to the blogging life when the demands of grad school loom large in the form of two giant research papers. Fifty-odd pages later, I can come up for some air … and take final exams. Then start all over with two more classes promptly starting, two days after these classes end … keep breathing!

Oh, and add yoga teacher training classes into that mix: intense, full weekends once a month, and two of them close together, right in the midst of the rush of the research papers and the exams! Just keep breathing, yes …

Well, this is the life and the workload I chose, and so I am not complaining! I am still learning how to breathe mindfully through it all, however. Still learning how to ‘rest in the posture,’ as it were.

Resting in the posture is something I’ve learned from yoga, a way to sustain, settle, stay in strength,  to find strength to stay in a challenging posture. (To give credit where credit must be given, I learned the phrase ‘rest in the posture’ from a lovely book called Meditations from the Mat, by Rolf Gates. )

In yoga, to rest in the posture is to be able to stay in the pose, deepen into it, even to surrender into it, when the temptation is to bail out of it instead.

But to be able to stay in it, to find strength, means first pausing, stepping back out of the pose a bit, adjusting, and then moving back into it again. It means letting go of tension, letting a softness and lightness flow through bones and muscles and mind instead, surrendering stubbornness and surrendering into the struggle, into the challenge, into the pose in the moment.

Challenging, difficult poses or postures aren’t just found in yoga, though! They’re found everywhere, in parenting, in marriage and friendships, in the workplace, in going back to school, in taking on a new adventure, in suffering the loss of a loved one, or even in the most ordinary-seeming everyday days … and in a sense, the posture never ends. It changes, but flows on, like a river to the sea …

Learning to rest in the posture then, in some way or another, seems essential to having the strength to sustain the posture, to handle whatever the challenge is, to embrace the struggle or the suffering. To sustain and be sustained, to embrace and be embraced through it.

So, sometimes I am struggling in a pose, or struggling in a yoga class, and I remember, ‘rest in the posture,’ and I feel something in me, in my body and in my heart, shift and melt … and I realize, the strength and will and joy to endure are there!

And other times, like when I felt overwhelmed with life happening all at once, research papers, yoga class homework, kids out of school for the summer … I think, wow, how can I manage all of this?! And I remember, ‘rest in the posture.’ And something in me shifts, settles into acceptance, and vital grace is there again.

Let go of tensions, let go of resistance to the challenge, struggle, or suffering, let go of what is not needful or helpful. Pause, rest, surrender, re-adjust, find the grace and joy and strength of this moment! And be amazed at how much grace and joy and strength there is in you, to tap into when you rest in the posture. And be in awe at what postures (of life) you can rest in and how much rest you can find there.

In writing this, I realized that this phrase ‘rest in the posture,’ is so much like a phrase I used in an earlier post, ‘take refuge in surrender.’ They really are so much alike, but yet different, perhaps, too. Instead of me explaining what I think that means, I think I’ll leave space for you to decide whatever the meaning is for you!

******************************************

And,  related to the idea of the posture never ending, but shifting into new forms, and finding grace to rest in the new posture …

I find myself moved to do something that is like shifting into a new posture, something that seems scary to me, because it’s perhaps making myself vulnerable in a way I haven’t before, opening up my heart-space, my soul, to you all in a different way …

And that is to share on this blog, in a section of its own that I will set up soon, a statement of faith/spirituality that I wrote after a dear friend said to me, you should write a statement of faith; I would love to read it!

Sharing it feels sort of like a posture that I might rather avoid because of fear I’ll fall out of it or embarrass myself, but something says to me, just take refuge in surrender and rest in this posture, too. And who knows what grace will come from it!

So, check back soon! 🙂

 

 

Being peace

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

May there be peace, peace, peace. (Buddhist prayer)                                                                                                                     May I be in peace; may I be peace. (me)                   

I know the blog has been quiet recently, but my life has not been quiet! The end of the school year always seems to bring a flurry of activity, tying up loose ends, bringing things to a close, and setting the stage for transition from one grade to another, one season to another …

Speaking of transition, my oldest son, A, is moving on to middle school! This transition moves a swell of feelings and thoughts in my heart, too … and in his.

But, even though the kids’ school year is drawing to a close, mine is not! Mine remains a steady flow of discussion posts, reading assignments, and research papers … and the hope and the rush to have as much as possible done before the days and hours are less quiet than they are while four munchkins are away at school.

And in all this, deep blogging inspiration has not visited often either …

So, the blog has been sitting on a back burner … not a cold burner,  just a gentle warm mindful simmer!

Now, you might be wondering what connection the quotes at the beginning have to do with anything so far! Here it is: these words, these prayers and intentions of peace, have been simmering in my mind while I’ve been busy.

Sitting with me when I sit, walking with me where I walk, going with me where I go. Present with me when I am reading, when I am meditating, when I am conversing, when I am hurting.

Specifically, the word ‘peace,’ the prayer and desire and intention for peace and to be peace, has been a gentle murmuring stream in my heart and mind throughout the busy-ness of these days. I’ve been holding on to these peace prayers as an anchor and a balm for my soul.

Because not only has this been a season of busy-ness, it has been of late a season of new and deeper spiritual questions, opportunities, sacrifices, changes, and choices … a time of inner struggle, discovery, pruning, growth. A valley season, perhaps. And valley seasons can sometimes feel so unsettling, so anxiety-making!

But in this valley runs a river of peace. That gentle murmuring stream that has been flowing through my days, through me. Bringing strength, bringing power, bringing rest even in the busy-ness, in the struggles.

And as I have sat and sought quiet in the swirl and swarm of busy-ness, of questions with hard answers or no answers, of intense, big feelings, often I have only been able to focus my attention on these words:

May there be peace, peace, peace.                                                                                                                       May I be in peace; may I be peace.

But it has been enough. Enough to help bring me to a center of stillness, or close enough to a center of stillness. Enough to leave within me that gentle murmuring stream, an echo of peace, of belovedness.

Enough to bring me strength and remind me that I am beloved.

Enough to help me remember to water the seeds of happiness within, to nourish the seeds of joy.

Enough to help me be present enough in my life, present with others, present with peace.

Enough to help me be mindful, even imperfectly. Imperfect mindfulness is still mindfulness! And imperfect mindfulness is okay, is enough. Enough to make a difference of peace, a difference of perspective, a difference of vision.

I have been astounded every time I step outside and the world seems so beautiful and bright, colors so vivid and intense, light so pure and clear. The green grass so green, the sky so blue and so boundless. And my heart becomes still and smiles. And I think, with wonder and awe, how can this be? In the midst of the rush of busy-ness, of challenge and struggle, of swirling questions, of deep hurts, how can this be? This sense of calm, this gift of beauty?

But I think it is the flowing and the flowering of these words coming alive for me, in me:

May there be peace, peace, peace.                                                                                                                      May I be in peace; may I be peace.

*********

My dear friends, may you too be in peace, may you be peace, whatever is in this season of your life. It is possible for peace and busy-ness, peace and change, peace and struggle, peace and pain to be present together!

And as we make peace and being peace our intention, we can be peace, peace within our own lives and relationships, and we can be peace in and for a troubled world.

And a little child led me: parenting in belovedness

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Today I want to share a deeply personal story about finding and living the echoes of belovedness in parenting!

This is a story about what became a holy interaction between my youngest daughter, D, and I, though it surely didn’t start out with that promise in it at all! In fact, it felt pretty messy. Nowhere near a beautiful mess … just a mess.

It was Easter morning and the girls and I were getting ready to go to brunch at church before service.

Now, D is a delightful child (after all, that’s what the D stands for 😉 ), sparkly, spunky, spirited, strong-willed, sweet and spicy both. I love her spiritedness; it’s one of my very favorite things about her. I love her fierce strength, and even her stubbornness … oh, so much like mine!

And this was a stubborn moment … not just hers, but mine, too!

There are times she decides, and at the most inconvenient moment (that is, the last five minutes before it’s time to leave, for school or whatever; and do these things ever happen at a ‘convenient’ moment, anyway?!), that she isn’t wearing these shoes after all, only those shoes will do, but those are the shoes her sister is wearing (or the coat her sister is wearing) and no, I won’t wear any other shoes. Or, no, you get these shoes for me and you put them on for me … and then, NO, don’t put my shoes on for me, I want to … Which is wonderful, except then, she doesn’t want to anymore in the next moment! Oh my!

So, Easter morning we had a variation on this theme.  I attempted to handle it in the method that has, after much trial and even more error, revealed itself to be generally effective at calmly de-escalating or defusing these situations. This method usually involves a combination of offering a choice and counting to a certain number, making the options clear and giving her time and space to make a choice before the choice becomes mine. It works well – when I remain calm, mindful, and patient!

But it was spectacularly bombing this morning … or rather, I was, really. I felt oddly disoriented and drained after being up in the middle of night (2:00-4:00) for the Easter vigil and I just was failing at the ‘patience and not sounding like a drill sergeant thing!’ Besides, I hadn’t eaten any breakfast yet and I just wanted to get to the brunch and have time to eat!  I was most definitely not in calm, mindful mom mode … D was in meltdown mode, and I felt about ready to join her.

But then I felt my own stubborn anxiousness suddenly give way and I said, oh, honey, I just want to get there because I’m so hungry and so tired, and besides, I think I’m just about to cry!

And she quietly said, with a sigh and a sob, me too!

I picked her up, set her on the counter, hugged her tight, and said around the swelling in my throat, Oh, D, I love you … I’m so sorry I haven’t been patient. I’m so sorry this has been so hard for you and me too …

We cried a bit together … and then amazingly, how much better it all became, like a brand new morning! The shoes went on and we left, still in decent time, but even better, with peace in our hearts.

Oh, I certainly felt emptied, poured out, undone as I drove there … but also filled up with reverent gratefulness, for the healing of love, for me and for her.

Gratefulness for the resurrecting and transforming power of love!

Gratefulness that a simple bit of honesty and vulnerability had the power to heal, cleanse, and redeem that painful interaction … to infuse it instead with belovedness.

Oh, I long so much for my parenting to echo with belovedness! For my children to hear belovedness in the way I speak to them, to feel belovedness in the way I interact with them, the way I am present with them, the way I discipline them. That even my disciplining would echo with belovedness …

And that costs me vulnerability, honesty, humility. To be willing to let my children see that in me, to give them that gift of belovedness … and to believe that even when I’ve messed up, the gift of belovedness is still there, for them and for me.

To let them see I am a flawed human being. To let them see me own that, with self-compassion.

To let them hear me acknowledge my mistakes and apologize.

To not be afraid to apologize to them when I was unjust or unfair, when my impatience or irritation toward them had more to do with me, my pride and my unmindfulness than with them.

To respect them enough to be honest with them.

To be real with them. Real enough to let them see my tears and to cry with them.

To be unafraid and unashamed to be an imperfect mother who is still learning … an imperfect mother who also loves fiercely, deeply, vulnerably, whose deepest intention is to become ever more mindful of this love moving in all my interactions with my children, in all my parenting efforts …

To remember more to let go …

of stubbornness, pride, expectations, attachments to what I think my parenting and my children ought to be like …

and to let Love lead,

just as a little child led me Easter morning!

Radical inclusion

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Thoughts about the concepts of radical inclusion and inclusiveness have been brewing in my brain for a while!

I’ve been part of a few conversations recently about how desirable a quality inclusiveness is in a person, in a leader, or in an institution, such as a church or government … and the circles grow wider out into society, into the world.

I’ve loved these conversations about inclusiveness, about radical inclusion, and I love that these ideas and practices seem so important to so many. I’ve observed also though that there seem to be varied ideas about what being inclusive or engaging in radical inclusion means to people. Different definitions, different visions, different expectations …

It seems like a good, deep conversation is needed to clarify just what we’re meaning if/when we talk about inclusiveness, about radical inclusion. But first perhaps some good, deep personal reflection is necessary, to be still and consider what those concepts mean to us, how we define them, how we would be willing to be inclusive or to practice a radical inclusion in our lives, the circles we’re a part of … workplace, family, church, organizations …

Just how inclusive is our inclusiveness? Just how ‘radical’ is our radical inclusion? Whom would we include?  And in what spirit would we include them?

I can’t answer those questions or define radical inclusion for anyone else but I want to share what it means to me, how I define it, what my vision of it is, how I want to live it …

First, there’s that word ‘radical.’ It sounds, well, radical, doesn’t it! It can seem militant, extreme, suspicious, drastic … but it also means profound, far-reaching, awe-inspiring, fundamental, essential. These are powerful words, aren’t they? Powerful words with depth. Words used to describe something powerful, transformational, revolutionary.

And that’s what radical inclusion is, what it offers in practice … something powerful, transformational, revolutionary.

Something powerfully inviting and compassionate. Radical inclusion as a compassionate invitation … a universal and universally compassionate invitation, into conversation and connection, into belonging.

In my vision, there are other ‘radical’ things that are part of the foundation of radical inclusion: self-acceptance, grace, compassion. Profound, far-reaching, awesome, fundamental, essential things. Things that are powerful, transformational, and revolutionary in themselves … but what makes them all those things, what makes grace radical, what makes compassion radical, is the depth and breadth and width to which they are expressed and lived.

That they aren’t just words or concepts or even practices … but lived Truths.

And self-acceptance …  radical in a spiritually transformational way! Because what it involves is meeting yourself where you are, as you are in the here and now, showing compassion and kindness toward yourself where you are, recognizing the imperfections and the suffering in yourself and loving yourself nonetheless, laying aside destructive self-judgments … an act of radical inclusion that begins with yourself, your soul!

A powerfully compassionate invitation to yourself … to love yourself as your own neighbor.

Where does, where can, this act of personal radical inclusion lead? It can lead into a place of healing, change, and growth, where you have the strength to let go of attachments you may need to let go of in order to heal and to love wholly …

It can lead into a deeper compassion and empathy, a broader understanding of grace, a wider view of acceptance, the ability to love wholly ….

It becomes the foundation of an ever-widening radical inclusion … to love every person as your neighbor, as you have learned to love yourself.

And so this vision of radical inclusion: Whom does it include? Who is, who should be, invited into the circle of radical inclusion?

Everyone! All of humanity. For who is not my neighbor? And are there any whom I should not love?

Maybe one vision sees a Jesus-like notion of radical inclusion that looks outward and sees the need to welcome the outcast, the homeless, the poor, the disenfranchised, the oppressed …

Maybe that vision extends to a progressive radical inclusion that is multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, that includes those of many races. Or respecting and honoring other faith traditions; an interfaith inclusion. Or welcoming and loving those of diverse sexual or gender identities, those who have been stigmatized, misunderstood, even reviled or shunned …

It seems that sometimes though a view of radical inclusion might form that actually includes a clause of exclusion, if you will – that those we’ve judged as having wrong views or values, we might exclude from our vision of inclusion. We might see them as not being worthy of welcoming, of radical inclusion … of love.

Radical inclusion includes letting go of those clauses of exclusion!

For who else does radical inclusion include? It includes those with whom we disagree, those who have differing views … it means letting go of attachments to political affiliations and religious ideologies. Not compromising soul-deep convictions and values, but yet loving our neighbor far above loving our own ideas and perspectives, and making such love a highest value!

And who is my neighbor? You are my neighbor. I am your neighbor. No matter our differences in any sense, no matter how different your life journey has been than mine, you are my neighbor and I am called to love you.

No matter how different your perspective on life, no matter how different your perceptions of the Ultimate truths about life, spirituality and sacredness, or your experience (or not) of the divine, you are my neighbor. And I am called to learn from you and to love you.

We meet where we are, as who we are, and listen to and love one another.

This is my definition, my vision, of radical inclusion. This is where I see so much hope of healing, of reconciliation, of unity!

We will always be different and diverse. But we can have diversity in unity; unity in diversity. And Love, belovedness, binding it together, bringing wholeness …

Let us extend that compassionate invitation into conversation and connection to all, to one another!

And through that powerful, transformational, revolutionary act of radical inclusion become one people!

 

Reflections about my blogging …

/ Lanae / 5 Comments

I have felt rather quiet recently … and without much idea of what I might talk about in another post.

Well, maybe some of that feeling is related to the unkind little flu-bug I have been dealing with the last while that left me feeling like a trainwreck, muddle-headed, with fire in my joints and muscles! That’s probably as good of a reason as any to take a time of rest – and let some things go, let others wait … well, except graduate students do still have to get their schoolwork in on time, muddle-headed and all!

And some of that feeling is related to evaluating what I am doing with this blog … or what this blog is doing with me, too! Looking at the desires and intentions, the vision, I had for this space to be a space of connection and conversation and looking at whether it really feels like a comfortable and inviting space to you all … is there a significant divergence between my intentions and vision and my actual creation? That the direction I wanted to go, stated I wanted to go, is not exactly the direction in which I find myself having gone?

Well, divergence happens, direction changes happen … and then perhaps direction corrections are in order, but perhaps sometimes not! Perhaps sometimes the “right” direction is the one you find yourself having gone, whether it was the one intended or planned. And it’s good to remember that often the destination can be approached from many different directions … there isn’t only one right path all the time!

And is it the precise direction or path that matters most – or the vision? Which leads? Perhaps the vision creates the right direction for itself …

I know sometimes I have written in a much more scholarly or teacher-ly (yes, I make up words sometimes! 😉 ) tone. Or sometimes maybe too abstract! And possibly this isn’t the right direction to go to create a ‘connection and conversation space,’ a relatable and vulnerable space. Then again, there really are many ways to create connection and conversation, to engage in connection and conversation!

And so perhaps I’m learning from this blog and what it’s doing with me that I need to be more mindful of my style of connection and conversation … to be mindful of how I can clarify and simplify the vision and the message I want to share, how I can clarify and simplify the way I share it!

And yet, I have been writing with my heart, my heart and my mind both, my soul and my intellect, with my own voice, offering authentic offerings … my blog itself is an imperfect, but authentic, offering. And I say ‘authentic’ because the messages I share and what I offer of myself there is not tailored to fit what I think anyone wants to hear or what I think anyone wants me to be … but it is coming from what I believe, what I belove, who I am seeking to be and to become.

But beyond the intention to craft a ‘connection and a conversation space,’ my deepest desire and vision is simply belovedness. Belovedness, I believe, has been in everything I’ve shared here … have the echoes of belovedness always been clear, have the bells of belovedness always resounded clearly? I hope so, oh how I hope so, because belovedness is my deepest intention, my clearest direction, my abiding vision …

So what vision is leading, then? Oh, the vision, the spirit, that is leading is Belovedness! That’s what this blog will always be most about … so that is what will create the direction.

Sometimes, though as I’ve been learning and learning and re-learning, just stopping and being still for a while, taking a rest, a Sabbath time, is the necessary thing to bring clarity … of both direction and vision. Being still, being patient. Letting things unfold. Letting the vision lead. Letting the journey, the direction fall into rhythm and harmony with the vision …

And perhaps what this blog is doing with me is teaching me simply to surrender … to take refuge in surrender.

To surrender my fears and fretting about the direction of this blog, about the direction of my life … to surrender my doubts and my discomfort with uncertainty … to surrender my overthinking and my impatience. To surrender my insecurity and my striving to be significant or influential …

Just to surrender to being vulnerable and to being humble …

To surrender more to mindfulness and to Belovedness!

Then, clarity and simplicity can come … and vision clears, the “right” direction, the “right” path, opens and unfolds.

On that note, I’ll sign off with a little poem I wrote this past November:

The stillness is heavenly                                                                                        
a November autumn day
gold still hanging on a few fine branches
like rare pendants adorning the trees
Gentle letting go still happening
as the colors of fall
drift from tree to grassy
resting places
A stillness today
And all the letting go
seems so gentle
today
Surrender, not loss
Surrender is triumph
in stillness
today
The light fresh and free
flowing still
flowering the air
with cool calm
Heavenly is the stillness
in the world and in I

Offer a counterpoint of love

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

I had some different post ideas in mind, but the Brussels events reminded me of something I wrote (and shared on Facebook) back in November after the Paris attacks. It feels right to resurrect that post along with its accompanying poem, and share it again below in its entirety, as it seems sadly and unfortunately relevant all over again … it seems that all I might really need to do differently is to substitute “Brussels” for “Paris.”

My heart hurts. My soul sighs.

Let the people of Brussels say, we are not afraid. Let the people of Europe say, we are not afraid. Let the people of the world say, we are not afraid. No, let us not be afraid.

Let us lift our hearts in love; let us not be bowed by fear.

Where there is hatred, let us sow love … not sow in fear, but in love. Offer to acts of violence not violence in return, whether in actions, in words, in thoughts, or in judgments, but offer to acts of violence instead acts of love, compassion, prayer, meditation. Offer a counterpoint of love!

There is nothing soft, simplistic, or passive in such a response. Rather, it seems one of the most radical, profound, and powerful – even bold and daring! – ways to oppose the extremism, violence, prejudice, intolerance, hate – and apathy – present in our world. One of the most radical, profound, and powerful ways to face and to answer fear, to face and to answer anger – whether it is our own, that of others around us, or even of a broader societal nature.

To offer a counterpoint of love is to offer something radically transformative to yourself, to others, to the world. To be a counterpoint of love is to be a radically transformative presence in your family, your community, the world.

To offer, and to be, a counterpoint of love is something significant, even sacred …

I ask you – what does that mean to you? How could you offer, or be, that counterpoint of love? For yourself, your family, your community, your world; for those who suffer … and for those who act in violence and cause the suffering also?

*******

I wrote this poem several weeks ago, to help myself deal with a deep fear I was experiencing at the time, related to a challenging personal experience. It somehow feels right to share it now, because it also expresses thoughts of my heart regarding the fear, suffering, violence, hate, and anger that seems as though it is filling up our world right now.

The people of Paris say, We are not afraid. No, let us not be afraid. Let us be neither afraid of fear, nor ruled by it! Let us remember that belovedness is greater than fear, and even in the midst of fear, of sorrow, suffering, let us respond to those things with love, with the grace of equanimity. Respond to a suffering, broken world in love, respond to those things in others with love, and respond to those things in ourselves with love.

Reacting with fear opens the door to further suffering and violence. Responding with love opens the door to grace and healing and hope, as well as a truer, more effective justice.

No matter how relentless and ruthless the evil and the violence may be, or how achingly burdensome the sorrow and the suffering, remember that these things are impermanent. But, as my heart and soul have learned, one thing is permanent: love, belovedness.

As hard as it may seem to hold in heart and mind next to all the knowledge of suffering and evil that exists, much goodness is also present in the world, because much love is present in the world, if we but lift our eyes up to see it!

Let Belovedness triumph over fear!

******
belovedness

I said to fear, my fear
Come in, come here
sit beside me, sit with me
in silence let us sit
together
I said to fear,
You are my friend
I accept you
I accept your presence
here
I hear you, honor you
I love you
I said to fear
But remember this,
you must remember this
if you wish to walk
with me:
I am beloved
and so are you
We will sit
we will walk
we will live
in belovedness
Because belovedness
is greater than fear
is greater
than you and I
together
Because we belong
to belovedness
Because all belongs
to belovedness,
to belovedness
we belong
We belong to one another
in belovedness
Let us step out of the boat
and walk upon the living water
of the spirit
of belovedness
Let us walk and live and be
In belovedness
be living, believing, be loving, beloved