Tag: balance

Lessons in belonging (or, what my grad school group class taught me)

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Today is the final day of my latest session of classes, and am I ever looking forward to a week off before the next round of classes starts – one whole week homework-free! Every time I make it to the end of a session of classes, it’s such a sweet feeling of triumph and relief, a mingled sense of accomplishment and emancipation … and maybe this time, more so, because of the particular challenges and obstacles that tagged along for the journey this time.

For one, I have a job in which I travel a lot, and while I truly enjoy my work, care deeply for the people with whom I work, and don’t mind driving, extra time on the road means time not available for schoolwork – and means creativity in finding time for schoolwork!

For another, I’ve gotten quite the lesson in the complex dance it is to balance full-time graduate school, work, parenting, teaching yoga/meditation … it’s been, frankly, often exhausting and sometimes overwhelming (but rewarding too!). Somewhere in there, my sleep/rest quotient decreased, which meant that balance sometimes felt wobbly, and the whole school/work/parenting/life dance got a bit out of rhythm (okay, maybe my emotional equilibrium occasionally did too)!

For one other, one of my classes presented a special challenge for me, which is really what this post is about. It was a group class, about group methods and facilitating groups, and as part of it, the class met through Adobe Connect. Actually, it was thoroughly delightful to see my classmates’ faces, hear their voices, and experience who they are, because in online classes, usually your classmates are names without faces, people you only meet through discussion posts!

But anyway, those who know me well know I feel much more comfortable in one on one interactions over group interactions, so I felt sort of apprehensive about this class, because I wasn’t sure what it would like, what would be expected. Plus, I was thinking, 2 1/2 hours every Thursday, whoa, that’s a long time to be in group!

And … I was concerned about how the technology might behave for me. With good reason, as it turned out! I missed the first class due to another obligation, and then technical difficulties disrupted four of the next five classes. I did everything I could to resolve the issues, and still there was a signal bottleneck that meant sound transmissions didn’t come through.  So – I spent most of those four classes as a silent observer, watching my classmates on the screen, unable to hear most of what they said, unable to be heard. Ugh!

I thought I might have to withdraw from the class … but a dear friend came to the rescue and graciously let me borrow her home office for the remaining 6 weeks of class. An act of abundance that not only rescued me but redeemed my whole group class experience!

Sitting in silence was painfully frustrating, because I wanted desperately be a part of what was going on – until I simply surrendered to the situation as it was, and determined to look for whatever good there was to draw out of it.  For one, it was a chance to practice maintaining presence and equanimity – what else was there to do, sitting there in silence! An extended meditation opportunity, really!

The piquant irony of it all though (I’m convinced the universe has a weird sense of humor and brought it to me purposefully!) is that my outsider experience in this case so neatly aligned with the outsider perception I have often experienced or felt – a sense of both belonging and not belonging in some way in many groups (as I discussed in my previous post ).

I’ve often felt outsidered – or, maybe more precisely – have often outsidered myself. Although sometimes I’ve most definitely been outsidered, because I failed in some way to conform to expectations about what I should think, believe, or be … and because I was/am different in some ways. For instance, I’ve experienced being outsidered for being gay in one way or another over the years … and now as a single (divorced) person, I sometimes feel a little outsidered amongst my married friends.

However, I see now that mostly, it became my pattern to outsider myself, to believe that being the outsider, or being the quiet observer, was my role in a group – my role in life, pretty much! The odd one, the odd one out … beloved, but still the odd one out.

And so the gift of this disconcerting group experience was that it forced me to confront that core idea. After all, it was technology, a neutral party, that outsidered me, not the group or myself … so that gave the chance to look deeply into it from a whole new perspective, a liberating perspective!

I learned to let go of my attachment to an outsider role, or more precisely, my attachment to the expectation or perception that I often end up playing an outsider role … well, honestly, I’d have to say I’m still working on that! I still kind of like some parts of choosing the outsider role … but I also like belonging (so maybe there’s a way they fit together, eh?!).

Even though it was hard to feel like I belonged to the class group after my silent time, I learned that they still felt I belonged, if for no other reason than that I had persevered and remained present. I wasn’t an outsider, I wasn’t outsidered! What a wonder that was to me!

What I discovered within this experience is that I can be who I am and while my authenticity might mean that I don’t quite conform, yet I can still belong, and belong more so because of my authenticity.

The experience of outsidering has helped me know the value of the experience of belongingness!

Belongingness means more to me because I understand feeling or being outsidered … and I want, I intend, to share the gift of belongingness with those who feel, or are, outsidered!

(So, yes, this was quite the 12 weeks! I’m just glad I made it safely, sanely, through – and found the good in it all 😀 )

Balancing act

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

If you’ve been reading along, you might have noticed that I have mentioned ‘balance’ a number of times. It’s something that matters a lot to me, something I’m always attempting to find and maintain, but wow, can it be elusive … or illusive! Just when I might feel tempted to pat myself on the back just a bit and think, with wonder, oh, look, I’ve got myself, my thinking, my writing, my living, in balance … well, then I get bumped, and well, lose balance!

Equanimity is another word I love, and it’s a word that is about ‘balance’ – maintaining an emotional, mental, spiritual steadiness. Even in the bumpier, rougher times. Equanimity is about noticing both the light and the dark, the heavy thoughts and the lighter ones, the joys and the sorrows, the happiness and the suffering, and being able to hold them both, having the space to hold them both.

I’d like to think I can do that, and I can, but if I’m honest, I can only do it imperfectly! The gifts of imperfection, indeed … learning that it’s okay to be off-balance sometimes, that sometimes there are gifts in the off-balance feelings and experiences, that  in them there are important lessons and opportunities to grow (and become better balanced!).

The word ‘equanimity’ comes from Latin roots meaning ‘even’ and ‘mind’ – even mind, a balance of mind. An even mind, holding even seemingly contrasting observations, thoughts, emotions, experiences, memories in awareness, at once, as one. A story that illustrates this so beautifully and clearly comes from a book I’ve read (and re-read, and would recommend!) called Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. It explains the neuro-cognitive effects and physiological processes involved in mindfulness and meditation, written with a clear, eloquent, spiritual elegance.

As the story goes, a Buddhist teacher was journeying on a boat down the Ganges River, in India, at dawn. On the left bank of the river were ancient temples and towers bathed in the blushing glow of the rising sun. On the other bank of the river were burning funeral pyres, with wails of mourning rising with the smoke. She was seeing life and beauty on the one side, death and sorrow on the other, with her heart wide open enough to encompass and accept both. Not letting the view of suffering cancel out the view of beauty, not denying the feeling of sorrow in favor of the feeling of joy. Acknowledging both, holding both in awareness.

It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. Life is both/and. Equanimity, balance, is found in the both/and.

Equanimity isn’t seeking, striving, to reconcile or even to justify jarring juxtapositions, things that are seemingly irreconcilable, but rather to accept their present existence – whether within ourselves or within others, in the world, where suffering and violence contrast with goodness and grace. To see both and yet to see beyond … to see the potential of goodness and belovedness arising, even from smoke and ashes. Beauty from ashes, beauty with ashes.

To see beauty in our own selves even through intimate acquaintance with our imperfections, to value our strength even in our weakness, to accept the both/and of the darkness and the light in us. To acknowledge the both/and of goodness and wrongness, of death and life, in us … to love ourselves with the love of belovedness in all of that.

Heart wide open … to accept alike the off-balance times as well as the in-balance times, the difficult emotions as well as the pleasurable ones. Heart wide open, mind even … to know that the seeds of happiness are still there, still can be watered. Heart wide open, mind even … to know that balance returns.

I have to remind myself of that often, it seems … on the days that I feel like I am so unmindful, critical or ungracious; the moments that I feel like I am failing as a mother, struggling to be patient with my children; the times that suffering and violence in the world cause me to feel broken with anger or sorrow; the moments where I doubt I am echoing much belovedness into the world, and wonder if my words, my life, my actions, my motives are in harmony (in balance!). To allow myself to believe I can have equanimity about feeling off-balance … or about living in an off-balance world!

Remember belovedness, balance returns …

Equanimity – heart wide open, even mind. The grace of acceptance, balance, and compassion. Holding space and stillness, space for stillness. Holding space and belovedness, space for belovedness.

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Now that I shared some about equanimity and balance and how I experience them (or seek to experience them!), I want to leave you with some questions! How would you define/describe equanimity for yourself? Balance? What do those things mean to you? How do you experience them? How would you like to experience them?