Tag: being

By the river, stories of being

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Earlier in August, I took myself to a delightful place in the woods by a river, for a retreat time of rest and writing, wondering and wandering, reflecting and receiving. Something about the woods and water does so much to return me home to my soul, to the wild wonders both within and without.

I wrote so much and took so many photos of everything that struck my eyes and spirit as magical and mystical. As always, the hardest part for me is curating and distilling all that I want to share into one offering, a mindful morsel, accessible and absorbable! So – here is what chose itself, at least for this offering!

Note: for reading reference, the bolded words represent the start of a new stanza. Due to the quirks of my editor programs and the vast amount of tedious work needed to manipulate the formatting and spacing of poetry, I chose to keep it simpler and less stressful by choosing that option especially since the desired shape of each poem was preserved!

By the river, stories of being (a poem series)

By the river, a story of being

Right here, right now

no stories about me exist

I am

         my own story

We named water, water

We named river, river

We made stories about water

                                  about river

Yet the water, the river

what name does it have for itself

or – are they content to be

         to be in their existence

do they need to name themselves

                                                                    to be

Or perhaps, mayhap most likely

water just is

river just is

and its/their Is-ness

                           is enough

For me, could it be?

or do I need names

               my many names

      to convey my existence

           expressions of my existence

                  my manner of being

                  in this body, this world

     to send messages of all my ‘Who-ness’

     to not allow my ‘Who-ness’ to be

                  defined by others

     to say, I and only I

                  name my ‘Who-ness’

Yet – my Who-ness  is not the sum

                  of my Is-ness

                       my being-ness

                  my Is-ness is greater yet

                        beyond Name

I am

         my own story

The water is its own story

The river is their own story

And our existence, our Life, our Being

         our Is-ness, is

                enough

Our Who-ness matters

         yet greater be

         our Is-ness

*********************************

The water, the river is real

being named doesn’t make it/them

             more or less real

                         or true

              their Truth is beyond

                         their naming

My realness, my Trueness

       is beyond name, beyond

                   all Names

I am

*****************************

Naming matters

         names matter

         because they express elements

         of our Who-ness real and true to us

         because they express meaning

         highlight nuances, carry

         messages, and craft stories

         because they are mirrors

         because they are a matrix

                a latticework

               of shared, shareable

               meaning, Truth, Life

*********************************

Spirit of River

       my teacher be

       teach me to flow

                 and sing freely

                 as do you

Spirit of River

         my teacher be

         teach me your fluidity

         for I would be free

River Rocks

The rocks by the river

                     are just rocks

They are as they are –

                     truth in themselves

                              real

Yet

       just for this time

               they represented

                stories I told myself

                stories that I am surrendering

                                letting the river

                                                                take

They represented

           attitudes, beliefs, choices

           dead things

           that serve, have served, me not well

A choice already made

            to let dead things go

            to let dead things be dead

            yet sealed symbolically

            in giving them to the river

The rocks remain real, they remain

            true in themselves

            untainted, unmarked

            only for a moment

            did they carry representation

                                             of death

They were clean, remain clean

           it is only I

           who need(ed) cleansing

They were never dead

            it is only I

            who need(ed) resurrection

River and rock cannot give

            resurrection

            yet they can represent

            the gift I give for myself

A clean, real life

             flowing free

             actions, attitudes

             beliefs, behaviors

             calm, clear choices

             deep Love

             ever True

True belonging, true calling

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Throughout this last year, true belonging, or belongingness, became a major theme.

Belongingness in the sense of finding the calling where I belonged – or in the sense of learning how to belong wherever I found myself, or how to belong to and in my calling wherever I found myself.

To learn how to belong wherever I was, in whatever situation I was in.

One of my life struggles has been feeling like I didn’t quite fit in anywhere, that I fit in a little bit in a lot of places, but not completely in any one place. That I belonged nowhere and everywhere, at the same time.

And it felt sometimes lonely. But, I’ve been learning that this feeling, this story need not be one of isolation, but one of liberation!

 “You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” Maya Angelou

That quote is found in Brene’ Brown’s new book, Braving the Wilderness, where she writes of true belonging and what she’s learned about what true belonging is.

As Brene’ states, true belonging is a deep spiritual practice of self-acceptance,  belonging to yourself in such a way that you can be who you are wherever you are – that you are able to present your authentic, imperfect self truly to the world. Even if that means sometimes you are standing alone in the wilderness, as it were, not conforming to the world. Even if it is not the easier path.

So, I’m learning that true belonging is about being … not about doing and not really about fitting in, but about being true and authentic to who I am wherever I am.

And the part of true belonging that’s about my calling? For me, that means understanding that my calling is not as much about doing or about being in a particular place or a certain occupation or job or belonging to any specific group or inner circle … it’s about belonging to my calling and being in my calling wherever I am.

So, when my belonging is rooted deep within, when my belonging is rooted in my being, when my belonging is rooted in being in my calling, then I will always belong … anywhere, everywhere.

Because my belonging is not dependent on place, person, or power. My belonging is in me … and so is yours in you!

And ultimately, my belonging is in Belovedness, in my belovedness …

** Below is ‘part 2’ of this post. I wrote it a while ago and realized it follows along so well with the first part of the post that I decided to put them together. So, a two posts for one kind of deal! Guess that’s what happens when there are no posts for so long! 🙂 **

I’ve always wanted to do big things. That is, I once thought I ‘should’ do big things. That I should be doing things, doing good, making differences,  being productive and accomplished – and yet I’ve struggled to feel like I was ‘doing’ much, or ‘doing’ enough.

All those people accomplishing great things. Realizing their potential. Helping people, changing the world in beautiful, remarkable, visible ways. I wanted to do and be like that, too – making a recognizable, beautiful, profound difference. A difference that felt tangible to me.

Was there pride in that? Of course there was pride in that – hello, ego! I wanted to be one of those people who made things happen, who was in charge of important projects, who was a driving force in deeply meaningful causes. And even if I wasn’t noticed or recognized, I really wanted to feel like I was a part of big things … and by big things, I mean BIG things!

I wanted to have a life’s work, a mission, a calling. I wanted to know what my mission was so I could be fulfilling  it. And I wanted it to be a great mission … one where I got things DONE, where I was DOING things, achieving things, helping people, helping people help themselves …

But now – I see a clearer vision of what my mission may more truly be.

I’ve come to understand that, for me, it is less about the DOING and more about the BEING. Yes, I’m still about the doing of good, and much – big things, small things, and all manner of things – does need doing. But for me, I think I understand that I’m not asked to do anything big or great. Neither am I asked to be great or to be acclaimed for anything …

I’m just being asked to BE. That’s all.

To be still and to BE …

 So, that life’s work? My mission? My calling?

In its purest essence, it is about being stillness, about being peace. About being stillness and being peace wherever I go, with whomever I am with, in whatever my work is.

Bringing and being a presence of peace, a calming, healing presence.

And it seems that maybe, just maybe, this is what I seem to be doing now … yes, that word, ‘doing’! I am doing ‘being’!

I am being stillness, being peace. (Or – at least – this is my purpose, even if not my consistent practice and presence, yet!) And I am learning to be at peace with this as my calling, however unacclaimed. It’s where I belong, where my belonging is.

And if what I do flows out of that, then it will be for good. Whatever I do, it will be done for good, for the greatest good.

And that’s really all I want to do … and isn’t it enough?

And isn’t that really what the world needs?

People being peace … and the doing of good, the doing of big and small things, flowing out of that peace.

Our peace inspires peace.

Being peace inspires peace.

Adventures in letting go, following the flow

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Today I followed the Spirit and went for a drive, to nowhere in particular for no reason other than to go for a drive. I had not planned on going for a drive, but I left the church and thought, I think I’d like to go to the park and sit by the water for a little while. So I went there and watched the sunlight dance on the water, little sparkles of sun flitting across the water as the wind rippled both water and light …

And then I decided I might sit somewhere else so the sun would be at my back, but when I stood up, I realized, Oh, I’m done here. Whatever I needed there, I had found – or it had found me – and so it was time to move on. But to where? Home? I didn’t know … yet.

But when I got in the van, it came to me – I know, I’ll go for a drive! And it was just me, and nowhere else I needed to be, and nowhere I was needed to be, so why not? (And how many moments like this are there for a mom of four with a full life … so if the opportunity opens up, follow it! 🙂 )

So I headed south out of town and down a county road, and just let the miles roll under my wheels. My window open and the soft, spring-smelling wind rushing in and ruffling my hair. The sunlight making the corn stubble gleam gold. The valleys and the turns in the road. Another world, it seemed to be. The sun and the wind and me.

It felt like one of those journeys you don’t know you need to be on until you are on it … and sometimes miss because you resist the whisper-nudge in your mind and soul that says, let go and just follow the flow of life, and see where you might go, just today, just for now. Let go and see where you go!

Sometimes, it is okay to go where you know not, to go without knowing yet where you are going, to let plans go and just go, to follow wherever your heart, your soul, follows the Spirit. A free-spirited following of the Spirit, a free flow …

Aimless? Reckless? My little adventure might seem a bit of both, but really, it was neither … it was an intuitive letting go, and it ended up filled with purpose and purifying peace.

It was like a driving meditation, instead of a sitting meditation or a walking meditation!

Because I found a rich stillness, a worshipfulness, and an exuberant liberty I could not have found, and the Spirit spoke to me in ways I could not have felt or heard if I had stayed where I thought I ‘ought’ to stay.

If I had resisted the simple impulse that said to me, Go, let go, just go? Then I would have missed the gift of the simple, pure freedom of just being, and just being with the Spirit as it was being with me … I would have missed what my heart, mind, and soul needed, today. I would have missed the lessons and the answers waiting for me on that journey …

To summarize them simply:

If it is a question of letting go, the answer is … let go!

Surrender to the flow of spirit in your life … wherever it may lead, follow with trust. It’s okay to let go of the need for certainty and control, to accept not knowing fully, and to follow without knowing. Find the comfort that there can be in uncertainty and impermanence.

If it is a question of loving, the answer is … Love!

Love hard, love deep, love whole-heartedly in a whole-souled way, love fiercely and fully … and if heartbreak or soul-ache comes from it, do not fear to grieve the same way. Be willing to grieve as deeply and fiercely as you’ve loved. Better the grief that might come from loving and losing, than the grief that comes from not letting go of fear and just loving …

If it is a question of being, the answer is …. BE!

Be free, be truthful, be love, be grace, be courage, be compassion, be peace! Do not so much act or advocate for change, as BE change. From the right being, the right doing will follow, the right change will follow.