You might act as if you’re at peace with whatever happens now. However, the truth is that your attractions are pulling you strongly in two opposing directions and you don’t want to let go of either choice. Unfortunately, it’s time to stop living under the illusion that you can follow divergent paths for much longer. You are at a fork in the road and you must make a final decision before moving forward.
I can’t remember where I originally found these words, but when I rediscovered them in my files today, my heart pinged again, and I thought, OH! I have no idea why I first saved those words, but they resonated with me again ….
Inspired me to reflect further about letting go, about not living under the illusion that it’s possible to follow divergent paths … about moving forward in truthfulness, moving forward in and with Belovedness.
The last few years, my life journey has brought me to several forks in the road, forks where divergent paths met. Both could not be followed, and I had to learn to choose. I confess that at times past I have attempted to hold onto all possible choices, to hold on to an illusion that it was possible to reconcile contradictory paths … but I’ve learned to let go of some illusions!
Many things – interests, possibilities, or relationships – can be integrated into a clear path to follow, but truly conflicting paths cannot be converged into one harmonious way of living, no matter how hard or how sincerely you try.
I love the idea of a middle way – that whatever the divergent-seeming choices might be, there is another way, a way of both truthfulness and peace. I find myself now always looking for a middle way …
Sometimes this middle way is a way of understanding that what seems to be an either/or choice can be a both/and choice, where perspectives or truths that seem to be in opposition can actually be held together and balance one another. This is a beautiful path to see and to follow, a way of choosing peace, finding harmony. This is equanimity, in vision and in action.
Sometimes, the middle way is a way of moderation, sometimes a way of concession and compromise. Sometimes compromise is the path of truthfulness and authenticity; sometimes not. And when it’s not a path of truthfulness, it’s not really a true middle way, a way of peace or of belovedness.
Sometimes, what compromise means is a fear of committing to a clear purpose and path, a fear of committing to authenticity and vulnerability. Fear of claiming an identity, of taking a clear stand, making an open acknowledgement …
What is in stark contrast here is the desire to move forward in a direction of authenticity and vulnerability, but also to remain in a place or path of seeming certainty and safety! To be honest, or to be hidden or to hide behind silence … but is remaining in silence a path of truthfulness and authenticity, or a damaging, deceiving compromise?
And over the last couple of years, I’ve confronted that question in various ways, at deeper levels … and I’ve made some agonizingly difficult decisions to follow a path that diverged from the familiar and comfortable status quo. But this became a path of peace because it was a path of truthfulness and authenticity, of integrity and wholeness.
There’s something I’ve chosen to share in my everyday living, with friends and family, in my faith community, and now here … I choose this path of truthfulness because for me it’s a path of peace and of belovedness, because it brings a liberty that far outweighs any costs.
I won’t, I can’t, hide behind silence anymore. I choose to be authentic and vulnerable, though this is a risk both exhilarating and terrifying.
As I mentioned in my very first blog post, I am stepping out of the boat:
I am no longer afraid or ashamed to identify myself as gay, nor to stand in love and solidarity with all those in the LGBTQ+ community.
It’s also true that I would rather not pigeonhole myself into any one label. I am simply who I am. I am a person. A person with an interesting sexuality, yes, but my sexuality is only a part of me that doesn’t define all of who I am.
Yet, it’s an important aspect of who I am, and I had to learn to make peace with it and love it as a part of who I am innately, so that I could be whole, live in authenticity and integrity.
I have previously told my story of finding the gift of belovedness … the gift of wholeness and reconciliation. Accepting and embracing the truth about my sexuality is also an integral part of my story, of finding that gift of belovedness. I suffered deeply from years of denying or despising my sexuality, not able to accept or love that part of myself or to be a whole person …
But knowing all of myself as beloved, as deeply accepted and embraced by Love, helped me become whole! Helped me learn how to echo belovedness …
And so I send this echo of belovedness, this echo of truthfulness, into the world and hopefully into your hearts!
