Tag: peace

Turn the stones to peace

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Sometimes, the various thoughts and messages I think I’d like to share feel rather like a swirling nebula, and the question is, where are the stars?! Where is that cloud of desires, feelings, ideas, and possibilities coalescing into a star, a message that’s like a unified point of light, shining bright and clear? Sometimes, these days, the intention, time, and energy required for star formation (as it were!) are beyond me …. but I do what I can to keep the creation spark alive!

And that’s why it’s a gift to rediscover stars – writings and poems from past years that hold the essence of a message that remains relevant to my heart, that speak light to my soul again, that could speak light out into the world, perhaps. I wanted to share one of those stars here, a poem I wrote in November 2017 – a time when my heart felt like it had somehow become full of stones, but I sure didn’t want to keep carrying them and so I desperately sought a healing, freeing practice.

The stones that the poem speaks of are stones that any of us could be carrying in our hearts for whatever reason – we’re human, and these stones, these feelings, these emotional, psychological, and spiritual experiences, are a part of our humanness. But there is a way to see more deeply into these things, to see them for what they are (and are not), and there is a way to set ourselves free, to “turn the stones to peace”. It might be that we need to “turn the stones to peace” over and over and over again, to set ourselves free over and over and over again. At least, this is true for me – I find I need to return to the practice, partly because I seem to be good at finding stones to carry again!

It can be intense, challenging, sometimes exhausting work, but also such healing and freeing work – what lightness and light it can bring, that we then carry with us, wherever we go and to whomever we meet.

And drawing the lens out further: What if this were not only an internal practice, but a communal practice that we learned (re-learned) to share and do together – and found peace, became free, together? To carry stones no more to our own hurt and others’ hurt, but turn them to peace, be free. Be free to be love to ourselves and one another.

Turn the stones to peace

These stones
I have carried in my heart
Resentment stones
Envy stones
Loneliness stones
Grief stones
Bitter stones
Sorrow stones
These stones
I have carried in my heart

I reach
inside
and I gather these stones
I hold them in my hands
rest them on my palms
lift my hands up
feel the weight of these stones
I see the stones
outside my heart
I see them for what they
are
emptiness
perception not whole
truth
As I see them
for what they
are
they fall into dust
and from the dust
transform into doves
who take wing

Robbed of their form
and their weight
given a whole
truth
stones become peace
my heart is light
I carry stones there
no more
I am free

Redefining everything

/ Lanae / 2 Comments Featured

I’ve been feeling like my words have all been coming for me recently, echoing back at me … both reproachfully and hopefully!

All the various deep intentions I challenged myself to practice and to be …

Being mindful, practicing deep listening

Being an includer, practicing radical inclusion

To nurture belongingness for those who have felt a sense of not belonging

Being peace

Being stillness, being a healing presence

Choosing abundance

Living these words has felt painfully hard recently, feeling like I was failing to live my spiritual practices. And yet these words, these intentions have still anchored me …

In mid-October, I gave a reflection at my church home about choosing abundance and gratitude. How I learned to choose abundance, abandon the myth of scarcity, the one that said that there wasn’t enough and I would never be enough or have enough. How I’d spent years in poverty-thinking and I was done with that …

But even though I passionately declared myself done with it, I guess it wasn’t done with me!  I found myself mired, struggling to remember abundance or to have the strength to choose it, day upon day. And I felt like such a fraud … teaching what I was struggling to do/be!

And what I wrote recently about coming to see my life-mission as being peace, being stillness, being a healing presence? Certainly, there’s truth there, regarding that as a calling, but how it was presently showing up in my spirit?? Mmm, not so much maybe! Even when I published the post, I was thinking, my dear girl, this won’t ring right  … because right now, your energy, your spirit doesn’t match these words!

I certainly wasn’t feeling like I was a healing presence, because I definitely didn’t feel still or serene within. I was aching, hurting, grieving, feeling lonely, unsupported, burdened, overwhelmed.

It’s not been an easy year by any stretch … yes, there has been much blessing, but a profound collection of losses, and an accumulation of layers of grief and sorrow.
The specters of depression sprang up … anger, fear, shame, despair, loneliness. Self-pity, resentment. Seeds I didn’t want, didn’t want to water. They made it difficult for me to remember abundance, to choose it … and they’ve caused me to begin redefining what choosing abundance looks like, in different circumstances. How does one draw abundance from dark emotions? It’s a (lonely) labor of love!
And I’ve tried, oh, I’ve tried to remember abundance in this hard, valley season … if it was hard to choose it, at least to remember it! To remember the gift of belovedness.
I’ve tried to nurture my spiritual practices, and let them nurture me. I’ve tried to rest in this posture, difficult as it is (more of my words that came back to me).

In all of that, I think the theme of this year has become redefining! Redefining – and refining.

Redefining myself, redefining my spirituality/spiritual practice, redefining my intentions and expectations. Redefining abundance and what choosing abundance looks like.

Redefining even the act of defining things, learning to let go of my need to define things!

Redefining everything …

There was the divorce … and learning to live life as a single, working mom (while continuing grad school!). And I’ll not sugarcoat it – it’s been hard and deeply overwhelming. Yes, sometimes such a triumphant feeling to realize what I can do and what I can handle, but also – overwhelming!
And yet, so many big decisions to make on my own and so many responsibilities and obligations (like, managing finances alone!), and so much uncertainty, and so much on my plate …  and so little time!
The busyness and fullness of my life – on one hand, satisfying, and yet on the other, feeling like it robbed me of friendship and connection time.
A cold and searing loneliness confronted me.
And the voice of poverty told me that I didn’t have enough support, care, love, affirmation …. but oh, how it told untruths! I do know that, because the voice of abundance brought again to my heart the many beautiful things that dear friends have done for me, big and small:

  •                 the friend who got a family photography session gifted to me
  •                 the friend who organized a clothing drive for my children at the beginning of the school year (and the generous response to that)
  •                 the long phone conversations with one friend
  •                 the friend who sat with me as I cried in shock after losing my job earlier in the year
  •                 the friends who have picked up my son from middle school several times when I was working
  •                 the kind, loving words here and there that have added up to a sweet bouquet

Too, there was also the felt weight of withdrawal in some long-time friendships (from my past church), heavier in my heart as silences made the sense of emotional distancing more tangible. This weight has lightened, though.

Redefining friendships, connection, sisterhood, community … learning what my village looks like. It might not look like what someone else’s looks like, or the ideas that society and social media have given me, but it doesn’t need to! If I open my heart, if I see with different eyes, if I look right next to me, it’s there … you’re there! Friendships, community, sisterhood – they are for me just as they need to be for me for this season. And are enough, if I let them be!

And then there was my first girlfriend experience, and then a break-up. To be clear, it was a special experience, rich in many ways! I’m thankful for what I learned from her and the relationship, but the break-up really rocked me.

Redefining love-relationship needs and desires … learning to be content unpartnered, for now.

Then, I lost one job – but found another, one that has been good for me in so many ways. Loss = gain.

Redefining my professional value and competence. 

Hopes humbled and dreams deferred …  A niche that I had had the idea that I might fill, but became clear didn’t belong to me. Some dreams and passions that I had to say goodbye to, at least in the form I had envisioned them.

It turned out to be a long, hard goodbye, and it’s been hard to find the hellos that follow the goodbyes. Even though I know about letting go gracefully of that which is not meant for me, and that letting go of old possibilities opens up new opportunities, I still felt the deep sting of loss, all the way into my core.

And it shook me, badly, unexpectedly. It stirred up resentments and fears that surprised me with their presence and power. I think it showed the depth of my attachment to those expectations and ideas, too.

(So much for learning to practice non-attachment! This quote comes to mind: The mark of a moderate woman is freedom from her own ideas. Alas, I am not (yet) a moderate woman, then! But it’s a life goal!)

I’d made the mistake of attaching my identity to my idea of what my role, my calling was. I’d tied my sense of belongingness to it. So, I felt unmoored  … another loss, another grief. One I didn’t really receive with grace or gratitude, I tell you!

Redefining calling, role, identity. And – letting go of the need to be defined by them.

So yes, the last while, loneliness and grief have been familiar companions.  So familiar I simply decided to befriend them and make peace with them. (I think that’s how you draw what abundance and healing there is to draw from them, anyway!)

I know that this is the holiday time, the season of joy to the world and peace on earth, and it’s not festive to speak of loneliness and grief and sorrow – but these are also a part of the holiday experience for many, because they’re a part of the human experience.

Redefining the value and reality of grief and loneliness.

Don’t get me wrong, I do know joy still, I know there’s a place of joy deep in the center of my being; I know there’s light within! There’s still stillness …

Redefining ideas and expectations about being stillness, being peace, being a healing presence.

I have learned and am learning still that I need not judge myself for not always knowing equanimity and stillness. There’s no need to define myself by the presence or absence of any emotion or experience. I’m human – part of being human is feeling deep pain, experiencing grief, sorrow, loneliness, dark emotions. As I’ve written before (more words that keep coming back for me!) sorrow is a sacred part of belovedness. So is grief. So is loneliness.

Redefining my whole emotional experience.

Redefining my journey, my story.

Redefining everything …  refining everything. Being refined.

Further and deeper, learning to let some things be undefined … learning to let the journey and the experience be as it is, in this moment, this season!

 

 

True belonging, true calling

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Throughout this last year, true belonging, or belongingness, became a major theme.

Belongingness in the sense of finding the calling where I belonged – or in the sense of learning how to belong wherever I found myself, or how to belong to and in my calling wherever I found myself.

To learn how to belong wherever I was, in whatever situation I was in.

One of my life struggles has been feeling like I didn’t quite fit in anywhere, that I fit in a little bit in a lot of places, but not completely in any one place. That I belonged nowhere and everywhere, at the same time.

And it felt sometimes lonely. But, I’ve been learning that this feeling, this story need not be one of isolation, but one of liberation!

 “You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” Maya Angelou

That quote is found in Brene’ Brown’s new book, Braving the Wilderness, where she writes of true belonging and what she’s learned about what true belonging is.

As Brene’ states, true belonging is a deep spiritual practice of self-acceptance,  belonging to yourself in such a way that you can be who you are wherever you are – that you are able to present your authentic, imperfect self truly to the world. Even if that means sometimes you are standing alone in the wilderness, as it were, not conforming to the world. Even if it is not the easier path.

So, I’m learning that true belonging is about being … not about doing and not really about fitting in, but about being true and authentic to who I am wherever I am.

And the part of true belonging that’s about my calling? For me, that means understanding that my calling is not as much about doing or about being in a particular place or a certain occupation or job or belonging to any specific group or inner circle … it’s about belonging to my calling and being in my calling wherever I am.

So, when my belonging is rooted deep within, when my belonging is rooted in my being, when my belonging is rooted in being in my calling, then I will always belong … anywhere, everywhere.

Because my belonging is not dependent on place, person, or power. My belonging is in me … and so is yours in you!

And ultimately, my belonging is in Belovedness, in my belovedness …

** Below is ‘part 2’ of this post. I wrote it a while ago and realized it follows along so well with the first part of the post that I decided to put them together. So, a two posts for one kind of deal! Guess that’s what happens when there are no posts for so long! 🙂 **

I’ve always wanted to do big things. That is, I once thought I ‘should’ do big things. That I should be doing things, doing good, making differences,  being productive and accomplished – and yet I’ve struggled to feel like I was ‘doing’ much, or ‘doing’ enough.

All those people accomplishing great things. Realizing their potential. Helping people, changing the world in beautiful, remarkable, visible ways. I wanted to do and be like that, too – making a recognizable, beautiful, profound difference. A difference that felt tangible to me.

Was there pride in that? Of course there was pride in that – hello, ego! I wanted to be one of those people who made things happen, who was in charge of important projects, who was a driving force in deeply meaningful causes. And even if I wasn’t noticed or recognized, I really wanted to feel like I was a part of big things … and by big things, I mean BIG things!

I wanted to have a life’s work, a mission, a calling. I wanted to know what my mission was so I could be fulfilling  it. And I wanted it to be a great mission … one where I got things DONE, where I was DOING things, achieving things, helping people, helping people help themselves …

But now – I see a clearer vision of what my mission may more truly be.

I’ve come to understand that, for me, it is less about the DOING and more about the BEING. Yes, I’m still about the doing of good, and much – big things, small things, and all manner of things – does need doing. But for me, I think I understand that I’m not asked to do anything big or great. Neither am I asked to be great or to be acclaimed for anything …

I’m just being asked to BE. That’s all.

To be still and to BE …

 So, that life’s work? My mission? My calling?

In its purest essence, it is about being stillness, about being peace. About being stillness and being peace wherever I go, with whomever I am with, in whatever my work is.

Bringing and being a presence of peace, a calming, healing presence.

And it seems that maybe, just maybe, this is what I seem to be doing now … yes, that word, ‘doing’! I am doing ‘being’!

I am being stillness, being peace. (Or – at least – this is my purpose, even if not my consistent practice and presence, yet!) And I am learning to be at peace with this as my calling, however unacclaimed. It’s where I belong, where my belonging is.

And if what I do flows out of that, then it will be for good. Whatever I do, it will be done for good, for the greatest good.

And that’s really all I want to do … and isn’t it enough?

And isn’t that really what the world needs?

People being peace … and the doing of good, the doing of big and small things, flowing out of that peace.

Our peace inspires peace.

Being peace inspires peace.

Own your truth

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

Recently I posted this story collection of three-word sentences on my Facebook page, inspired by a question that asked, what are three words you would tell your younger self? (And as I jokingly mentioned, most who know me know that I can come up with more than three words for almost anything – hence the story collection!!)

You are beloved. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are whole. You are free. Live in liberty. Live with integrity. Love whole-heartedly. Practice self-compassion. Give yourself grace. Acknowledge your pain. Embrace your suffering. Set aside shame. Be you, authentically. Be you, bravely.

Here are two more three-word sentences to add to that story:  Hold the light. Own your truth.

And that is precisely what I intend to do, not just in this post, in my writing, but in my living and being: own my truth, own the truth. Own the truth so that I can hold the light, be in light, be light.

This owning truth, living in truthfulness, is a moral, ethical, spiritual practice. Actually, it’s a love practice, even a self-compassion practice.

I have been inspired to explore what it means to own my/the truth, to live and practice truthfulness on an even deeper level by reflecting on the yamas, the five moral restraints or principles that form a part of the foundation of the philosophy and practice of yoga.

It seems that there is an image of yoga, at least in some respects, as consisting primarily of poses or postures, physical movements (asanas). And asanas are essential in yoga; but yet, a yoga practice that consists only of the physical aspect is a one-dimensional practice. (Could we say the same about life and living?)

The spiritual practice provides the deeper dimensions, the dimensions that give fullness and rhythm and grace to the movements – to life. These spiritual principles, these deeper dimensions, are not ones that stand in contrast to any faith or wisdom traditions, to any spiritual truths such as those of Jesus. Rather, they are in harmony with the simplicity and universality of the values of love, kindness, compassion, and graciousness.

All of the yamas are beautiful concepts and practices … such as ahimsa, which is non-violence. What does living ahimsa mean on a deeper level? What does it mean to live non-violence, to live love? That is perhaps another post!

However, the yama that is my focus right now is satya, which is truthfulness, the practice of truthfulness.

And no, this doesn’t mean the practice of brutal honesty … which often lacks compassion and tends to wound more than it heals. Wounding is not what honesty, or a practice of truthfulness, is about.

Truthfulness is about healing and wholeness, about compassion and grace. It is about integrity and authenticity, which are intimately intertwined.

Sometimes truthfulness requires silence, sometimes restraint of speech and/or action, sometimes bold words, a voice of grace and passion, in the face of opposition or misunderstanding. All take courage, deep inner courage.

And while truthfulness is about not lying, that is but the surface of it. Truthfulness is about a lot more than not lying. And not lying is about a lot more than not saying false or deceitful things. It’s about not taking liberties with elements of the truth, about not hiding weaknesses, perceived flaws, or mistakes in shame, about not avoiding accountability when you’ve done wrong.

Truthfulness is first an inward practice … truth in the inward parts, in the heart. It begins inside, becomes who you are, and flows out into all that you do … it becomes a constant companion and practice.

Truthfulness begins with letting go of self-deceptions and attachments to self-deceptions. With letting go of denial of truths about yourself. With looking deeply inward and beginning to know yourself, the best you can know yourself, for who you are, who you are becoming, who you are to become … not for who others have thought or said you are, or for who others have said you ought to be or ought not to be.

Truthfulness is a deep, vulnerable form of letting go of pretense, telling the truth about ourselves to ourselves and to other human beings, living the truth about ourselves straightforwardly and sincerely.  Letting go of the shame and the fear of judgment that often causes us to build barriers … and miss out on the connection that comes when we are most real and reach out in that realness to the realness in others.

Truthfulness is a heart and a soul willing to be seen and known, deeply, and to be, deeply … even when there is cost or loss that comes with it. Because the cost or loss that comes with untruthfulness is greater … the loss of wholeness and integrity of being.

But peace comes with truthfulness, with living in integrity and authenticity. Living in the light, holding the light, being light.

And in honor of satya, in honor of truthfulness,  my next post will shine light on a truth that has always been a part of my life story, of my journey toward wholeness and belovedness!

 

 

Being peace

/ Lanae / Leave a comment

May there be peace, peace, peace. (Buddhist prayer)                                                                                                                     May I be in peace; may I be peace. (me)                   

I know the blog has been quiet recently, but my life has not been quiet! The end of the school year always seems to bring a flurry of activity, tying up loose ends, bringing things to a close, and setting the stage for transition from one grade to another, one season to another …

Speaking of transition, my oldest son, A, is moving on to middle school! This transition moves a swell of feelings and thoughts in my heart, too … and in his.

But, even though the kids’ school year is drawing to a close, mine is not! Mine remains a steady flow of discussion posts, reading assignments, and research papers … and the hope and the rush to have as much as possible done before the days and hours are less quiet than they are while four munchkins are away at school.

And in all this, deep blogging inspiration has not visited often either …

So, the blog has been sitting on a back burner … not a cold burner,  just a gentle warm mindful simmer!

Now, you might be wondering what connection the quotes at the beginning have to do with anything so far! Here it is: these words, these prayers and intentions of peace, have been simmering in my mind while I’ve been busy.

Sitting with me when I sit, walking with me where I walk, going with me where I go. Present with me when I am reading, when I am meditating, when I am conversing, when I am hurting.

Specifically, the word ‘peace,’ the prayer and desire and intention for peace and to be peace, has been a gentle murmuring stream in my heart and mind throughout the busy-ness of these days. I’ve been holding on to these peace prayers as an anchor and a balm for my soul.

Because not only has this been a season of busy-ness, it has been of late a season of new and deeper spiritual questions, opportunities, sacrifices, changes, and choices … a time of inner struggle, discovery, pruning, growth. A valley season, perhaps. And valley seasons can sometimes feel so unsettling, so anxiety-making!

But in this valley runs a river of peace. That gentle murmuring stream that has been flowing through my days, through me. Bringing strength, bringing power, bringing rest even in the busy-ness, in the struggles.

And as I have sat and sought quiet in the swirl and swarm of busy-ness, of questions with hard answers or no answers, of intense, big feelings, often I have only been able to focus my attention on these words:

May there be peace, peace, peace.                                                                                                                       May I be in peace; may I be peace.

But it has been enough. Enough to help bring me to a center of stillness, or close enough to a center of stillness. Enough to leave within me that gentle murmuring stream, an echo of peace, of belovedness.

Enough to bring me strength and remind me that I am beloved.

Enough to help me remember to water the seeds of happiness within, to nourish the seeds of joy.

Enough to help me be present enough in my life, present with others, present with peace.

Enough to help me be mindful, even imperfectly. Imperfect mindfulness is still mindfulness! And imperfect mindfulness is okay, is enough. Enough to make a difference of peace, a difference of perspective, a difference of vision.

I have been astounded every time I step outside and the world seems so beautiful and bright, colors so vivid and intense, light so pure and clear. The green grass so green, the sky so blue and so boundless. And my heart becomes still and smiles. And I think, with wonder and awe, how can this be? In the midst of the rush of busy-ness, of challenge and struggle, of swirling questions, of deep hurts, how can this be? This sense of calm, this gift of beauty?

But I think it is the flowing and the flowering of these words coming alive for me, in me:

May there be peace, peace, peace.                                                                                                                      May I be in peace; may I be peace.

*********

My dear friends, may you too be in peace, may you be peace, whatever is in this season of your life. It is possible for peace and busy-ness, peace and change, peace and struggle, peace and pain to be present together!

And as we make peace and being peace our intention, we can be peace, peace within our own lives and relationships, and we can be peace in and for a troubled world.