Tag: Spirit

By the river, stories of being

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

Earlier in August, I took myself to a delightful place in the woods by a river, for a retreat time of rest and writing, wondering and wandering, reflecting and receiving. Something about the woods and water does so much to return me home to my soul, to the wild wonders both within and without.

I wrote so much and took so many photos of everything that struck my eyes and spirit as magical and mystical. As always, the hardest part for me is curating and distilling all that I want to share into one offering, a mindful morsel, accessible and absorbable! So – here is what chose itself, at least for this offering!

Note: for reading reference, the bolded words represent the start of a new stanza. Due to the quirks of my editor programs and the vast amount of tedious work needed to manipulate the formatting and spacing of poetry, I chose to keep it simpler and less stressful by choosing that option especially since the desired shape of each poem was preserved!

By the river, stories of being (a poem series)

By the river, a story of being

Right here, right now

no stories about me exist

I am

         my own story

We named water, water

We named river, river

We made stories about water

                                  about river

Yet the water, the river

what name does it have for itself

or – are they content to be

         to be in their existence

do they need to name themselves

                                                                    to be

Or perhaps, mayhap most likely

water just is

river just is

and its/their Is-ness

                           is enough

For me, could it be?

or do I need names

               my many names

      to convey my existence

           expressions of my existence

                  my manner of being

                  in this body, this world

     to send messages of all my ‘Who-ness’

     to not allow my ‘Who-ness’ to be

                  defined by others

     to say, I and only I

                  name my ‘Who-ness’

Yet – my Who-ness  is not the sum

                  of my Is-ness

                       my being-ness

                  my Is-ness is greater yet

                        beyond Name

I am

         my own story

The water is its own story

The river is their own story

And our existence, our Life, our Being

         our Is-ness, is

                enough

Our Who-ness matters

         yet greater be

         our Is-ness

*********************************

The water, the river is real

being named doesn’t make it/them

             more or less real

                         or true

              their Truth is beyond

                         their naming

My realness, my Trueness

       is beyond name, beyond

                   all Names

I am

*****************************

Naming matters

         names matter

         because they express elements

         of our Who-ness real and true to us

         because they express meaning

         highlight nuances, carry

         messages, and craft stories

         because they are mirrors

         because they are a matrix

                a latticework

               of shared, shareable

               meaning, Truth, Life

*********************************

Spirit of River

       my teacher be

       teach me to flow

                 and sing freely

                 as do you

Spirit of River

         my teacher be

         teach me your fluidity

         for I would be free

River Rocks

The rocks by the river

                     are just rocks

They are as they are –

                     truth in themselves

                              real

Yet

       just for this time

               they represented

                stories I told myself

                stories that I am surrendering

                                letting the river

                                                                take

They represented

           attitudes, beliefs, choices

           dead things

           that serve, have served, me not well

A choice already made

            to let dead things go

            to let dead things be dead

            yet sealed symbolically

            in giving them to the river

The rocks remain real, they remain

            true in themselves

            untainted, unmarked

            only for a moment

            did they carry representation

                                             of death

They were clean, remain clean

           it is only I

           who need(ed) cleansing

They were never dead

            it is only I

            who need(ed) resurrection

River and rock cannot give

            resurrection

            yet they can represent

            the gift I give for myself

A clean, real life

             flowing free

             actions, attitudes

             beliefs, behaviors

             calm, clear choices

             deep Love

             ever True

resolved:

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

I feel moved to share here a poem that poured itself out of deep aspirations and intentions that have impressed themselves on me during recent weeks. Sometimes I find that a very good way for me to help myself remember my aspirations and intentions is to write them down, allow them to assemble themselves into poem form. Perhaps it is also good to allow aspirations and intentions to be witnessed, to deepen their truth and help them (help the one who holds them!) to come into full bloom, or even to allow them to become light and warmth, bread and breath for some who witness them!

resolved:

I am resolved:
	to honor my belovedness and that of others
	to delight in others’ joy as if it were mine because it is indeed
part of mine
	to remember the light 
	to envision clearly the life I aspire to be in 
	to live with the mindful, peaceful energy
I wish to invite, whether it manifests in others or the world around me or not. If conditions in them, in the world, are such for it to manifest, then it will, and if they are not such for it to manifest, then it will not. And it is nothing I have done or is in my ability to control, no matter my desire or hope. But I can inhabit the energy of peace myself and it is a protection.

I am further resolved:
	to keep my spirit unfettered and unbittered
	to awaken
	to arise
	to emerge, from my fabulous fractal being
	to act, boldly, in conscientious confidence
	to water wholesome seeds and with great intention
and loving discipline return unwholesome seeds to the deep storehouse of consciousness
	to let patterns of thought and belief that serve only ill to go
	to release hindrances of spirit
	to hold lightly and lovingly to anticipation
	to see the flame of possibilities in ashes

I am yet further resolved:
	to believe in my kids’ wholeness and encourage their wellness, wisely
	to believe in my friends’ care for me, that they consider me
beloved, and that I am a good friend in my autistically authentic way
	to let go of friendships and connections not meant for me
	to understand that many will not/do not understand me, and that is
okay; they don’t have to. There is no universe-ordained contractual obligation that says they, or anyone, must, especially in order for me to be content or at peace. I release my bondage to any such expectation.
	to expect, however, to have my personhood respected and for people to understand that they don’t have to understand me in order to respect my personhood, my humanity, my dignity, to afford me the liberty to live in the peace in which they also wish to live, or to respect the potential of goodness in my character.
         to believe in the goodness of my character and to give it space and grace to bloom bountifully
         to be forgiving, for the health of my spirit; forgiving of pain I’ve caused myself, mistakes I’ve made; forgiving myself from carrying any burdens that anyone has attempted to place upon me.
        to remember defiance in the service of justice is not only okay, but blessed; may my defiance be mindful, fierce, and joyful
	to be repentant, to turn, return, retune to the harmony of the Earth
	to show kindness and shine kindness forth
	to live with intention and integrity
	to manifest abundance, for all, in all
	to live in the courage of my goodness
		     the goodness of my courage
		     the wholeness of my goodness and of my courage
		     the wholeness of truth and the truth of my wholeness
	to live in the holy truth of Wholeness,  in a whole Belovedness

We Continue

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

This year, with the passing of both my parents (Mom March 20 and Dad July 10), has brought me into an even profounder intimacy with mortality, impermanence, remembrance, and grief journeying with all the questions and textures those contain. Following their departures from this life, I feel too a fresh and fuller sense of ancestral responsibility – like a torch has been passed, and yet far more than that. In learning to travel through this new (and yet also ancient and shared) territory, I sometimes feel I’m stumbling, finding and learning the path as I go. As I seek to process, navigate, interpret, and integrate these ineffable experiences, thoughts, and feelings, I’ve turned to an old faithful friend – poetry (or, my old friend came to me to light my way).

There’s a story, an experience, from which the poem I share here emerged. During the week before my Dad’s funeral I felt a deep urge to drive up to Crawford where Mom’s parents lived and are buried, just to revisit some childhood places and go see their graves. While at the cemetery I wished I had something to lay on the grave but that time I had nothing. So, I spoke with the delightful florist (Bluebird Flowers & Gifts in Alliance) who made lovely creations for both my parents’ funerals and for Mom’s grave, and requested her to make an arrangement for my grandparents’ grave. The next time I was out to Alliance I journeyed back up to Crawford and placed the arrangement at their headstone.

So many graves that seem so lonely and unremembered, seems a strange poignance in that … and my heart is more tender to that these days.
I have vowed that while I live, every grave of my ancestors is going to be honored and not look lonely but loved and remembered. For me, it’s one small but deep part of both being a good descendant and becoming a good ancestor, carrying forth with respect and gratitude all the good in my ancestors, inviting healing where it is needed, and continuing belovedness.

 

We Continue

Someday
we will be
remembered
only by Earth and Sky
and Spirit Creator
but enough that is
and perhaps the truest
remembering
as it emerges from the truest
knowing
of who we are
and of what we are made –
the stardust and energy
and all atoms
that formed our bones and our flesh
and the spirit
that filled and enlivened us
When our breath is no
more
Breath, Holy Breath, remains –
a spacious wind through Sky skimming over
Earth – all is
known, held, remains remembered

These words arrived Home
to me, while standing in the searing summer
sun of Nebraska’s high plains
at the grave of my grandparents, who
gave life to my mother, whose body of earth
also rests now beneath the earth
I stood remembering, flowers of silk
brought to lay before the stone to show –
those who rest here are still remembered
As I remained remembering, my heart
wondering, how many living ones know
or remember my grandparents
Mildred and Mervil Reece
(parents of LaDonna (born still), Leila, and Dwain)
who remains who might yet pass by this stone
with memory of these names and perhaps their bearers?
My own memories move now in
misted time, incomplete images
some vivid, some fading to ephemeral watercolor
senses of their essence –
did I know them?
Grampa gone when I was four,
Gramma’s mind stolen away by Alzheimer’s long before
her body surrendered the summer I was twenty
her will ever fierce (here, a clear felt memory sense, threaded
in my spirit, this I know)
How well did (do) I know them, my ancestors?

Not like Spirit
not like Earth and Sky
know them – now
but I remember them living
and rings in me the bell of truth
that a time comes when I
no more in this form here will be
to carry memory of my ancestors
my grandparents, my parents,
a time comes when
no one remains to remember me
and when the time comes
no one remains to remember me
or those whom I remembered
Earth, Sky, and wind will
remember
Spirit Creator will
remember
and beyond remember,
remain knowing

We continue
in the Earth and Sky
in wild wind and stillness
in trees and rivers
in dew and clouds
in sun and storm
We continue in the breath of every living one
and in the breath and body of the Earth
We continue
and so we remain
and in remaining are remembered
by Earth and Eternity
even when human mind and history
have forgotten or knew not
We continue

exploring Embodiment and Justice: poems

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

It’s been a long quiet in this space, and it’s been a long year of seeking creative magic in whatever moment it might be waiting – a long year of feeling that in many ways, I was either too busy or too weary to be caught by the magic current. On one hand, I let go – or be – what I didn’t seem to have the energy for and made peace with what this season of life asked and allowed. But on the other, where writing was concerned – and particularly poetry – a seed of longing languished, like an ember who kept their light, for a space of time where no other call on my attention existed except creation. Unrushed, unweighted space to rest and play and be and see wonder deeply … and for wonder to flow freely through me in word form.

And I made space for just this a couple of weeks ago, when I went on a retreat to a tiny cabin in the woods by the Platte River. My hope there was to be able to focus deeply on a poem project I wanted to do to complete an Embodied Social Justice certificate program I engaged in, and rest from everything else. I had little idea before arriving of what these poems would look like, but trusted they would come to me – and come, they did, bless the muse and tree spirits!

I’ve decided to share them here, as in so many ways, they capture the essence of my journey and my inner/outer work over the last year so much better than I could express by any other means. But beyond that, these poems are also crafted to be like vessels for any reader to step into from where/who they are and feel themselves there, feel into themselves for the meaning present for them and their journeys. Read, enjoy, share anything that came up for you, if you wish!

 


Poetic Justice: An Exploration of Embodying Sexuality, Spirituality, and Environmental Justice

Beginning with Justice in my Body

I have stepped down  –
I must continue stepping down – from the throne
from the lofty place
where my self I ensconced, separate
thinking I dwelt in palaces
of spirit, Spirit essence
claiming
by self and flesh denying
Yet I dwelt disembodied
having abdicated my body
as my child self was taught was the holy thing
to do, as flesh and body, loving flesh and body,
they said earnestly,
kept human souls from knowing Truth
But this was a misunderstanding of a truth,
an unholy thing
for in so doing
I parted Soul from Body
and how could Spirit I know
in such a state –
with Creation how could I
commune? A soul denying
embodiment
or the pleasures of embodiment
is a soul out of harmony
with Creation
And where is the holiness of justice
for Body or Soul
without the soul being enfleshed
and the flesh being ensouled
And how can justice be poured out
in the world, except through Bodies
who are ensouled
and Souls who are embodied
How can justice be poured out
in the world, except through
Bodies that begin with justice
toward their own Bodies
in being present with all that is present
lived, experienced, sensed, felt, known
in the Body
these justiced Bodies move toward being
present with all that is
lived, experienced, sensed, felt, known
in the Bodies of all peoples
in the Body of Creation
in the sacredness of all Bodies,
the whole Body of Creation

*********************

Embodiment – as taught by the Feather

I saw the Feather and the Feather
saw me, I know it did
because I heard it speak
without words
that it knew me –
a voice silent but a voice
clear, said to me – not that it,
this Feather, was mine
but that it was a sign
a gift from Earth to me –
Her Beloved –
I knew without thought telling me
accepting this gift was accepting
connection
beyond connection –
wild wordless wholeness –
Communion
into a Sacred Body

******************

Embodiment – as taught by the Snail shell

In the hot white sand by the
River, a Snail shell called
to me by my true name
/Spirit of the linden/
in a voice that spoke in spirals
silent, whirled into a shell house
The Snail, absent –
sand in their stead
where is the body; where is Snail’s
body; where is Snail’s spirit?
Oh, here it is, in the whisper
of spirals, in the sand hot,
in the sunlight glittering on Water
as it ribbons by sandbars
dappled with Water’s ripple-prints
Here – Snail’s body is here
engraved in Earth, in sand and shell
embodied in Water
enspirited in Air
remembered by the Trees
Ah, Snail is here –
Snail never departed
even though their flesh
is not in this house
of shell and sand
They are home – embodied
everywhere

*******************

Embodiment – as taught by the Trees

I am home here –
the Trees know me
When I say I am
Home
I mean, Home in my Body
this soft-shell house of stardust
spirit-ashes and water
that has become bone and blood
muscle and mind
moving as one
Tree bodies rise from stardust
too – rooted in Earth and Water
with sap-blood flowing in their veins
Emanating sinuous waves of bioelectric energy
they are stillness in motion
movement embodied in stillness
Trees – birthed in the forest by the forest
know themselves; they are
Home in themselves
They know Earth, they know Air
they know Water, they know Fire
they know humans and they know me
They know their stardust
and this I know – though I could not
justify my knowing by any logic
of knowing other than Knowing
itself – the Trees here know
my stardust
And they tell me – in voices like shimmers,
shirring leaf-sighs
one Soul to another Soul
to be only who I am –
because as a Linden tree has only the blueprint
of a Linden tree imprinted
in its Soul, and not an Oak –
though noble be the Oak –
so imprinted in me is a living blueprint
(responsive, adaptive
to the touch of nature
and nurture)
that my Soul longs to express
through embodied experience
because my Body and Soul desire
and deserve such justice
Trees know – because they stand long
see far
that justice which moves
through and from the root
of the Soul of one
is an emergent, exigent justice
As Trees connect and share through their roots
to counsel, sustain, heal, and nourish one another
so is the justice that moves through
and from any one human Body
who is Home
in themselves and in Creation
to all Bodies
sustaining and nourishing
one another’s joy
carrying Healing to
the wounded Bodies and Souls
drawing all Home together
A justice rooted in joy
with liberation and Healing for everyOne
all Bodies, the whole Earth Body
is a sacred justice, is
Home, Beloved Home

**********************

 

Embodied sexuality, enfleshed spirituality

In the Forest –
I dance with the Trees
swaying sinuously (I feel it
whether it would seem such
to any observer) with the Wind
as they sway with the Wind
in the bark-skin
or smooth weathered wood-skin
they are in
Spirit in skin
skin meeting Air
Air knowing skin
skin clothed in sunlight
I dance
my Body light (Light)
Spirit-infused
I dance
because I am Home
This is my Yes
to my Body
to the present moment
to the movement as it arises
from muscle and mind and more
This is my Yes
to my Body
to my Joy in my Body
my Yes here
gives birth to my Yes
to the Sacredness of Life
everywhere, everywhen
everyOne
My Yes here –
to embodied Joy
to enfleshing Joy
brings my Soul
Home

my Yes here
is my Yes to walking
in the world
with my Soul in my Body
as Beloved
and all Creation as
Beloved
which opens the space
unfolds the Path of Heart
to living toward all
as sacred
inviting a whole justice

my Yes to my Body
becomes a Yes to justice
toward Earth and all Her children

*********************

Yes to Pleasure

Yes to my Body –
appreciating the wonders of my Body
all of it is wonder
wondrous
marvelously created and recreated every moment
wondrous
simply to take joy in the Air
as it slides smoothly, silkily
worshipping my skin
nothing between me and the Wind and the Light
but an unashamed knowing
I am Home, delightedly Home

*******************

The Sensuality of All Things

I am overcome with the sensuality
of all things
the naked splendor of Creation
look – how artfully Earth has clothed
Herself, in frothy fronds of vegetations
how the Trees have adorned themselves
with leaves or needles of all shapes and patterns
in lushly infinite shimmering shades of greens
blossoms, sweetly, seductively scented
Ah, River, swathed in layers of ribbons and ripples
bright bubbly buoyant currents
caressing sandbars and driftwood
/Tree fallen to River’s charms – sun-bleached
her long Body arching above the eddies
foamy lace skirts gathering along
her length, River draping herself over her lover’s bosom
and Tree’s hand outstretched, bearing a garland
– and a cross – sacrament, or
sacrifice, are you, my time-toppled queen –
Perhaps you are both –
you are yet living, nurturing life
in your belly turned toward the Sun
green growing there and at your feet/

I am overcome by the sensuality of the River,
the Tree embracing as she would any island
in her Body
I am overcome by the sensuality of the Tree
her wide weathered girth
warm between my legs
(for you see, of course I waded out to know her)
as I sit astraddle her middle
my palms on the wind-smoothed sun-whitened wood
– hmm, is this a faint pulse, a hum,
an Om,
I feel? The Tree still singing –
an ancient enduring rhythm
Or – is it only my wishful Heart
feeling the rhythm (its own rhythm?)
Or – is it River’s rhyme and rhythm thrumming through
into me, my blood and spirit responding
with its own Song
Whatever truth may be here
this truth seems alove –
this Tree still knows Creation
Creation still knows her –
still sings to her –
Om – you are, you are –
And so I rest here, intimately blessed
while River teases and tickles my toes
with bubbling, crooning current
And I –
overcome with the sensuality of all things
the boldly bespoken sensuality
in-dwelling in all Creation –
I am brought into communion
with this sacred sensuality
and into a knowing
that it burgeons ripely in my own soul
brimming over –
My Soul insisting on experiencing itself
an unbearable wholeness of Being
Body and Soul and Creation,
One

**************************

Abolish Industrialized Egocentrism: Return to Reverencing the Validity and Sacredness of all Creation
or
A NonSaviorist Healing Collaboration with Earth and Creation

(Adapted from a rough draft journal entry essay, and perhaps best refined in that form to hold more space for the personal story context of these reflections.)

“We save what we love; we cannot save what we do not love”
How can we ‘save the Earth’
without loving and caring for even the smallest of living creatures
caring deeply about the effect of our way of living on them
caring about the violence done in supposed ‘innocence’ and ignorance,
without seeing even the lives of ants, beetles, centipedes, spiders
and other tiny creeping and crawling and flying forms of life
as valid and sacred, as much or more than our bipedal beings
Is that not where it starts – the greening of our souls
the greening of Creation justice in our souls
begins by seeing and believing, beloving, as valid and sacred –
minute but not a mite minor –
the lives of all organisms, no matter how small, visible or not to the eyes
(but becoming visible to the eyes of the heart)
by knowing their lives, their existence, their ecosystems are connected
to us and our ways of living that do violence to them, do violence to us

In the notion that we can ‘save the Earth’
by our intentions or actions, in our will or strength
the ears of my heart have begun to hear
echoes of a saviorist, human-centered tone
And as I ponder these notions of saving – of being a savior
resemblance rises to notions of possessor, conqueror, ruler
Even with best intentions of doing good
it seems we humans so often still
(desire to)
put ourselves on the throne
of nature (Creation)

But what is most needful, what will save us, what will save Earth,
is to step down from the throne
to learn a reverent stewardship –
to re-learn this from the wise ones who have never forgotten
who have stayed close to the Earth and know Creation ways well
to repent and re-learn and return to our original closeness
the knowing and abundance abandoned in a rush to rule
rather than be in relationship with Earth and Creation
What is needful, what will save us, what will save Earth,
is stepping down from the throne
to take in and live a mindful humility
confronting humanity’s creation of an industrialized egocentrism
and examining our participation in it
and how a materialist, mechanized way of living
disturbs the peace of many living parts of Creation
doing violence and dealing death
while going about our everyday lives –
perhaps simply seeking to survive in an inequitable society
perhaps following social conditioning, attempting to fit in
or operate in the structures ordained and established
or maintain a home or make a living
to feed a family –
our participation in this paradigm perpetuates it
and perpetrates it on others
disturbing our own peace, griming our own souls

Stepping down from the throne
to touch the Earth again
opens the path forward
to walk with softer feet and humbler mind
heart and hands wiser in action
Learning how to mourn the violences done and how to repent
participating in, feeling, and beloving the sacredness of all living parts of Creation –
beloving ourselves and all peoples as sacred Creation –
knowing all Creation as living –
experiencing a heart-shift into the ‘greening of our self/our soul’ –
all needful to understand what it would mean to be in
harmonizing collaboration with Creation instead of discordant domination
We can learn, re-learn, to trust that when we do this,
when we step down from the throne we usurped
we are saving the Earth by trusting her to heal and save herself
We cannot be saviors of Creation; we can but become collaborators with Creation
with Earth, in the Healing
of our shared wounds
of our shared Web of life

May we awaken to this great Healing
May we embody it

Monthly Abundance Focus, March: Generosity

/ Lanae / Leave a comment Featured

This review of March’s Abundance theme focus is a little later than usual, and frankly, I seriously considered whether it was honestly the right time or relevant to be posting about an Abundance Project in the midst of a pandemic, topsy-turvy time of loss and grief. Well – and especially when the focus of March was ‘Money’, with the overall intention of financial energy care and changing my spirit toward financial abundance!

And I’m still questioning … but I’m going to share something for 3 reasons:

One, because continuity matters, for the sake of retaining some sense of healthy normalcy and incorporating what was helpful from old rhythms and structures into the new.

Two, because abundance still matters and is perhaps even more relevant, simply in a different way.

Three, because this theme focus is really more about generosity than finances or financial attitudes (well, maybe generosity is both a financial and spiritual attitude!) – and generosity of service and spirit matters, more than ever!

When there is much loss and fear and grief afoot, abundance and hope and grace are even more relevant – fundamental not only to surviving but thriving, to sustaining care and compassion, to moving through grief and yet inviting gratitude to be present where it can be found, to maintaining an un-narrowed spirit open to share and serve and trust.

Certainly, this year’s circumstances weren’t what I envisioned (how could I?!) – and yet, reflecting on it, what better time to have an Abundance Project? To have intentions and practices in place to ground and sustain me and stay in my heart and mind even when my energy flagged and my soul and body felt wearied and worn.

I’m not going to post the entirety of the action steps, because some of them got as turned upside down as did life and its structures and rhythms and just had to be let go. But the two which were my anchoring intentions became freshly, vividly relevant – re-defining what abundance can mean, needs to mean, on a deeper level, for self and soul care and communal care.

The mantra for the month was ‘Make money your servant, to help you serve in love’. And oh, how relevant was and is serving in love!

Some may remember that at the beginning of March I posted this on Facebook: My challenge to myself this month, which I am sharing here now to help me with diligence + accountability, is to buy nothing new this month, outside of groceries and household supplies! (One hope is that this helps with my book addiction ) I’ll let you know at the end of month how intention parlayed into accomplishment …

The challenge to buy nothing new or un-needed? It worked well – helped out by the practicality of removing non-essential store trips and utilizing online grocery shopping/order pick-up options, especially in service of public health safety. If, say, a splurge urge arose, I sat with it, to see what the need really was underneath the want and to give the desire a chance to dissolve of its own accord. Waiting helped me want less and fill the true need more. Wanting less helped me see I have and am enough already; wanting less helped me have more to give!

And in the middle of March, this: “Be generous. Do not budget generosity. Do not ever fear to be generous.”

These are words from one of my action steps in this month’s Abundance Project theme focus …. and today I’ve been reflecting just how appropriate they feel to me right now. Now is the time for abundant generosity, and to not give permission to the fear and anxiety that is present right now to pull us away from that or lure us into a fear-narrowed scarcity mindset. We *will* have enough together!

Now is the time for generosity of care, of compassion, of communication, of finding both creative and practical ways to reach out, serve, soothe, and help one another. To give without measure from what we have to give. To feed one another – not just offering food for the body but food for the heart, soul, mind, to share peace for our troubled spirits, be balm for one another’s anxious fears, to hold space for one another. All of this generosity is possible even with the physical distancing – physical distancing need not be, must not be, emotional or spiritual distancing!

We have an invitation now into deeper ways of practicing healing community, inviting Love to bridge physical and social distances and bring us together in a solidarity more powerful than fear, than any virus.

If the first intention is about understanding the true need under the want, this second intention is about an ‘abundance response’.

The two intentions fit perfectly together! I couldn’t have known when I was crafting my Abundance Project how right each month’s guiding focus and intentions would be, but they have been so attuned to the needs of the moment it could only have been Spirit, indeed. They helped me not get lost in a tempting fear-narrowed scarcity mindset. They anchored me in a more generous compassion toward my fears and needs and others’ fears and needs, and served as a compass pointing me toward abundance responses.

Abundance responses are exactly what is needed right now … to help us care well for ourselves and one another, to help us help ourselves and our communities deal with the suffering,  fears, and challenges* of this time and find healing together.

*Including parenting, which it just so happens I chose as April’s focus with intention to cultivate relationship with each kid, and spend quality time with them, and the mantra to “Love them as they are, so that they learn to love themselves into their authentic best selves.” Well! How much more fitting could that get, indeed!*

On becoming forty: Surrendered vows, divergent paths, transformed topography

/ Lanae / 2 Comments Featured

Sometime ago, in my wayback files, I found a forgotten collection of poems from my late twenties.

Seventy-seven glimpses into who I was at 29, windows and mirrors in time. Early days of motherhood, word snapshots of my first son as a baby, the changing seasons, world events, prayers, dreams, life lessons, my heart and soul.

And then, this poem. Reading it from the vantage point of 40 now felt so strikingly poignant and invited reflection… since the journey between 29 and 40 unfolded in ways unforeseen and unfathomed by 29-year-old me!

Becoming twenty-nine

And now –
I am twenty-nine
forty seems closer
more real
than it did at twenty
at fifteen
At fifteen –
I imagined twenty-four
but I think I could not
stretch my imagination more
and think of myself
who I would be beyond
Twenty-four came, twenty-four went
every year since
as though journeying into
a realm unimagined
And it seems to me
my true youth has fled
not that I feel old
but here – at this juncture of time
the limitless, or the illusion,
of limitless possibilities
has narrowed to a single road –
not even one I ever dreamed
I would walk down –
(the aisle as bride)
The future lies ahead now
with the simple choice
of living with the choices
that have closed doors
and opened but one –
ah, but let’s see how far the road
beyond it will go
and what waits along the way

Oh, what waited along the way!

That single straight road became a spiraling one with several forks in it, surprising crossroads where divergent paths met … and many new doors opened onto new paths, views, opportunities, possibilities.

Years before, I thought my life had narrowed to a single road and my path was set only to find myself drawn down an unexpected path.

Since I had felt moved to be in ministry work at 15, I had envisioned my life spent in that calling, a lifetime vow. But Spirit taught me to surrender that vision and vow … and at the time, it was painful to surrender what seemed my truest calling.

I had never dreamed I would walk down the aisle as a bride – no, I hadn’t.  Marriage hadn’t seemed a calling meant for me. But, much to my surprise, Spirit led me there, so I believed that’s where I would stay, always.

I never dreamed I would reverse that walk down the aisle; love bid me stay. But Spirit led me there, too; love bid me go.

And the profession vows I made in the fellowship I grew up in, I only thought then but what those would be for life. I dared not think otherwise … “My vows I have made, I cannot now go back.” I never fathomed leaving; love bid me stay. But Spirit led me there, too; love bid me go.

And never did I think I would be free to accept and embrace my sexuality, my identity, fully and openly … there I had made a vow of silence and self-denial, what seemed a necessary sacrifice (though I was sacrificing my wholeness and well-being, a costly sacrifice indeed, because it affected all those in relationship with me, too). Self-denial that requires denying the essence of who you are isn’t healthy self-denial, but soul-warping self-denial.

But Spirit showed me I was beloved and free, and that loving the essence of who I am and living the truth set me free.

My 29-year-old self believed there would always be a familiar and safe topography along the road ahead: same vows, same faith, same church, same community, same friends, same marriage.

And the same inner landscape with its long angst-y dark night of the soul that I believed would always be a constant in my spiritual and emotional topography, no matter what unfolded on the path.

But then the spiraling road brought me the gift of belovedness.

And living in this belovedness and liberty transformed my inner landscape, then the entire topography of my life, opening up paths, perspectives, possibilities divergent from the familiarity of the known and expected road.

I embarked on a coming-out path and surrendered that vow of deep silence regarding my sexuality. For the good of my soul I vowed to walk and live in wholeness and truthfulness; Spirit opened that vision and vow to me.

For a while, I thought the outward familiarity of the well-travelled road might mostly continue as it was … that I could walk that old path and keep other vows in a new way, as a whole person.

Yes, I expected significant changes. Yet somehow I didn’t see some of them unfolding how or as soon as they’ve unfolded … I didn’t wish for the whole path and all its familiar safe topography to change so much so soon.

But as I continued to make choices aligned with the truth of my sexuality and my spirituality, those divergent paths, those crossroads, kept meeting me at every turn. And at every turn, Spirit, yes, Spirit, kept directing me down the less familiar path, into places and paths of surrender.

My spiritual topography kept evolving; my path kept diverging.

I laid aside belief in any ‘one true way’ teachings and yet found the Way that transcends all religious traditions, creeds, and doctrines, and is the essence of true religion: Love, the universal thread of truth and life.

I parted with dear friends, friends I loved. Left a church community I loved. Spirit bid me leave, but love remains.

Ended a marriage that even in its trying times was precious to me …. worth all of the 13+ years. No regrets, no bitterness. All is gift. Spirit bid me leave, but love remains.

Some might question how it’s of love to surrender a marriage vow; a good question.

But what if the vows come to cause the hurt of your own soul … and surrendering them for the good of your soul?  What if keeping the vows causes the hurt of others, of their souls … and surrendering them for the highest good, for all?

Then surrendering them is love. Surrendering such vows, if it must be done, is best done in Love, because of love.

I surrendered none of these vows without intense contemplation to know its rightness or without profound grief for the accompanying losses.  Because of love.

Not only for my own losses, but also for the losses some near to me felt keenly. For just as my earlier lack of wholeness affected my relationships, following a path of wholeness affected my relationships. To some, I seemed no longer to be someone they recognized or knew; the changes I experienced as good for my soul, they didn’t.

And so I know there was loss and grief for others because of the divergent paths I followed, and I knew (I know) the pang of it in my own heart. Because of love.

So now, my path and my life landscape, inside and out, looks so different than my 29-year-old self could have fathomed, indeed!

For all I’ve lost, I’ve found much, much has found me. I’ve found my wholeness, my mind and soul, spiritual abundance, liberty, Belovedness! New spiritual communities, connections, capabilities. Rich relationships, deeper perspectives, purpose. And realized: I never left ministry, it only returned to me in a new form!

I see more clearly now: there have always been divergent paths. There has always been surrender on the journey. Love in each choice. Surrender and love always interwoven.

Such a divergent path it has been and become and will be, always! And Belovedness now the constant in the entire topography of my life and my journey, always.

So, here’s a new ending, on becoming forty, and beyond:

The future lies ahead now – no,
is Now
with the simple choice
of living with the choices
that have closed doors
but also opened many –
A single path, yes,
but with boundless possibility
limit itself the illusion
and abundance the truth
Ah, now let’s see how far and where the road
beyond it will go
and what is present in the way
Now